know any Rodney Dangerfield quotes or lines?

Question

TGIF! whats your best Rodney Dangerfield quote for the day?

Answer 1

You know my Doctor, Doctor Vinny BoomBots... I called and told him I had a bad case of diarrhea. - He put me on hold!
A girl called me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
A hooker told me "Not on the first date."
Are you kiddin'? I know I'm ugly. My mother breast-fed me through a straw.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
I found there was only one way to look thin. Hang out with fat people.
I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I joined Gambler`s Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don`t make it.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I said to the bartender "Surprise me." He pulled out a naked picture of my wife.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
I told my doctor I wanted a vasectomy. He said, with a face like mine, I don't need one.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous— everyone hasn't met me yet.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't born a boy I'd have nothing to play with.
I was so ugly... When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother!"
I was such an ugly kid— when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice— I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I'm ugly I'm tellin' ya. My proctologist, he stuck his finger in my mouth.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom...
It's not easy being me. When I was born the doctor told my mother "I did all I could, but he pulled through anyway."
Last night I was making love to my wife and nothing was happening, so I said to her, "What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?"
Life is just a bowl of pits.
My family was a bunch of drunks, when I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
My uncle's dying wish: he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
My wife isn't too smart. She has to reach inside her bra to count to two.
My wife is ugly. She's so ugly that when you look up ugly in the dictionary, there's her picture.
My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
That's the story of my life, no respect, ya know?
The other night I told my kid "Someday, you'll have children of your own. He said "So will you."
The other night I woke up and my wife was saying sexy things. I looked over and she was on the phone.
When I tried to kiss my date goodnight she pushed me away. I said "Is there someone else?" She said "There must be".
When I was a kid, I asked my Mother for a Bubble Bath, so she brought the water to a boil!
When my wife has sex with me there's always a reason. The other night she used me to time an egg.
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me...
With my wife, I've got no sex life. The dog keeps watching me in the bedroom so he can learn how to sit up and beg. I told him to watch my wife so he can learn how to roll over and play dead.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly. I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
You know the best part of having kids? ...making them.
I'm so ugly - My mother had morning sickness - After I was born.


Even with his death, he got in a last laugh... the epitaph on his tombstone is "There goes the neighborhood."

Answer 2

Rodney Dangerfield Lines

Answer 3

My wife was such a bad cook the flies took up a collection to have the hole's in our screen door fixed !
I was such an ugly baby when I was born the dr. slapped my mother !

Answer 4

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.”- Rodney Dangerfield - i like this one ...lol

Answer 5

I know I was an ugly baby. When I was born, the doctor told my mother "I'm sorry. I did everything I could, but he pulled through anyway."

Answer 6

*tugging at collar* I tell ya, I don't get no respect. When I was a kid growing up I was ugly. So ugly that when I was born, the doctor slapped MY MOTHER! I tell ya. No respect.

Answer 7

Did you know that the Dentist and the Manicurist got married, now they're fighting over tooth and nail......hehe!

Answer 8

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Answer 9

" Last time I saw a pair of Jugs that big, two hillbillies were blowing in them "

Answer 10

I get no respect