How can I change my heart-reasoning hasn't worked-I am attracted to a partner type I've failed to connect with

Question

My heart is only attracted to large, curvy women, even though most of the women in my environment are such. This deep attraction to a type of woman that I have failed to meet in my day to day life (internet services have failed to help me in my area) causes me extreme angst. Mentally/rationally I have no problem dating thin or average appearance women - I have dated many, I liked their personalities very much but I was not attracted to them physically - I realize this lookism may not not be fair my heart is not in it - in fact, I actually dislike the bodies of skinny/average women. I prefer the curvy voluptuous type with ample curves, and have done so since I was a pre-teen. Does the fact that my preference has been counterproductive to inner peace for decades mean that I have a character/psychological flaw - and my main question is how can I change what my heart prefers - reeasoning has failed to change my heart. -I dont seek judgement so much as possible corrective course of action.

Answer 1

Move.

Answer 2

This doesn't quite add up, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt for now and assume that you are serious.

There is nothing flawed about having a certain preference, but that doesn't mean that the perfect person for you emotionally will match your preference, either.

Since I cannot imagine where you are that you simply cannot meet women of the body type you prefer (around here, we literally see them all), I have to assume that they are out there, and either you need to go different places, or you're projecting body type as the problem when in reality there is something else preventing you from meeting someone to whom you're attracted. A little more critical self-examination might be a good place to start; and I don't mean in terms of your body type preferences.

Physical traits have a strong influence over initial attraction (especially in males), but any kind of healthy, long-term relationship has to be grounded more in the emotional connection, anyway. So, if you absolutely cannot find a woman of your ideal body type (most men probably never find their _perfect_ ideal), maybe you just need to be a bit more open-minded going in. It sounds like you've tried that some, but just because the first (or second or whatever) woman didn't make a strong connection with you doesn't mean the very next one won't.

Feel free to continue to seek the body type you prefer; but remember: Any healthy long-term relationship will be not be based on just physical attraction, anyway.

Answer 3

Hey, I know there are many "large and curvy" women out there who would appreciate a guy like you. (You should have them lined up by the droves outside your door, considering you might be a rare breed nowadays.)

No, you're not crazy. You are attracted to whom you are attracted. Would you be crazy if you just weren't jazzed up by redheads or brunettes? No. Some physical characteristics just won't float your boat.

If a skinny woman happens to be frustrated with you because you enjoy her personality but just don't "gel" with her in that respect, well, that's just life. She can't change this part of you.

I think you do need to decide what you are willing to live with. Can you love a skinny or average woman, or will being in a relationship with one always leave you pining away for someone else, to the point where you cannot make an enduring relationship with her?

If it's the latter, you should be looking for large women and not setting the skinny woman and yourself up for heartbreak.

It really depends on what you expect in your relationship and what you prioritize.

Caveats:

* I know that, over time, when you get close to someone, the affections can shift from the physical to the person themselves -- you love them and want them because you have already been devoted to them for so long. So maybe over time you could be attached to a woman whom you don't necessarily find "physically beautiful."

* If you're in a marriage, that commitment takes precedence. You need to find a way to connect with your spouse.

Answer 4

Well, in this day and age, thats probobly a good thing... Society is getting "bigger" everyday.. Except in Hollywood where they have forgotten how to eat... No, you don't have a character flaw... You just have a preference.. Personally I want a dark haired, dark eyed, hot sexy guy... Thats been my "preference" and it is how I judge who I would like to get involved with.. but recently have been hanging out with a really sweet and funny blonde haired guy... I think that our minds can be changed, esspecially if there is a click in our hearts towards a person we didn't expect to have one with...

Answer 5

The heart knows what the heart wants so just find the one that makes YOU happy and stop trying to change if your heart doesn't want to change.

Answer 6

You can't change that, and it isn't anything worth worrying about. It's not sick to like large, curvy women. If you have any desire to try to change this "fetish" then you need to seek therapy.

Answer 7

chubby chaser, relax and find someone you want to be with, dont stress