How can I change my heart's desire-reasoning with my heart has failed-I prefer a partner type I can't obtain

Question

My heart is only attracted to large, curvy women, even though most of the women in my environment are such. This deep attraction to a type of woman that I have failed to meet in my day to day life (internet services have failed to help me in my area) causes me extreme angst. Mentally/rationally I have no problem dating thin or average appearance women, but my heart is not in it. I prefer the curvy voluptuous type with ample curves, and have done so since I was a pre-teen. Does the fact that my preference has been counterproductive to inner peace for decades mean that I have a character/psychological flaw - and my main question is how can I change what my heart prefers - reasoning has failed to change my heart. Any ideas appreciated.

My heart is only attracted to large, curvy women, even though most of the women in my environment are such. This deep attraction to a type of woman that I have failed to meet in my day to day life (internet services have failed to help me in my area) causes me extreme angst. Mentally/rationally I have no problem dating thin or average appearance women - I have dated many, I liked their personalities very much but I was not attracted to them physically - my heart was not in it. I prefer the curvy voluptuous type with ample curves, and have done so since I was a pre-teen. Does the fact that my preference has been counterproductive to inner peace for decades mean that I have a character/psychological flaw - and my main question is how can I change what my heart prefers - reasoning has failed to change my heart. Any ideas appreciated.

Answer 1

Listen, you are physically attracted to a certain type and this is very normal. What is not normal is not looking inside the packaging to the inner person, their heart and soul. If you find someone who posseses a beautiful soul, then the physical attraction will follow. Trust me this is very true.

I am mostly attracted physically, at first sight, to tall, dark, broad shouldered, flat stomics, and a dimple in the cheek. Does this mean I would never fall in love with a man who did not posses those outer attractions? Absolutely not. In fact, first husband (who passed away eleven years ago) was an inch shorter than I, weighed exactly the same as I did (at the beginning that is, I gained weight having his children) and it was his soul peaking out through his eyes which first attracted me to him. At first look he was not my "type". I still would occassionally see a man who possesed my "type" of looks and I would "peek" at him and admire him. But I never, not once, ever cheated. Nor was I not attracted physically to me husband. I was very attracted to him.

Physical attraction is made up of two aspects. First is the "type" of physical body most disired. Then is the chemical attraction factor, We all have pheromones which are attracted to certain other pheromones of the opposite sex. (If we are attracted to the opposite sex) These instant physical attractons are very normal and will occur without any efforts on our part and even with out trying to not be attracted. It is what we do with that attraction which is important. Many wrongly assume that if they are attracted physically to a person it means they are not "in love" with their partner any longer. They ruin a wonderful union on a physical attraction which will burn itself out in a short amount of time 95% of the time. If you do not act on that attraction it will go away in its own time. Acting on these attractions will keep an individual from ever sustaining a long term committed relationship. This is due to an inability to understand it is normal to have these attractions and you can just stay away from that person and allow the attracton to disapait. I see so many who do not understand the dynamics of a committed relationship or how attractions work. It is so sad to see these very unhappy individuals. Then there are those who just cheat on their spouses when faced with an attraction. This ruins relationships every single day. With the divorce rate at over 50% is it any wonder how many do not know how to be married or how to avoid acting on impulses? Just because a person is attracted physically to another does not mean you have to sleep with them.

I know have a finace who is two and one quarter inches shorter than I and is 20 pounds lighter. I am VERY attracted to him physically, but the first attraction was his soul. This man is beautiful in my eyes from the stand point of his heart and soul, and handsome from a stand point of how his inner attractiveness has created an outer attractiveness. Attraction can and does grow over time if a person allows it to. If I had turned from this wonderful man just due to the fact he did not posses my "type" of physical attraction in a man, would have denied me the love of this man who I so dearly love too. I would not know have such a wonerful relationship and a partner for the rest of our lives.

So, you are limiting yourself by putting such empathis on the outer package. Give yourself time to see the inner beauty of a person and the physical attraction will follow.

Listen, we all lose our looks eventually. We need to have found a partner who has inner beauty if it is to be a sustainable relationship into our old age. I think you need to consider that you are not allowing yourself to see the inner souls of these individuals as you are stuck on the fact they do not possess that ideal physical "type" you are instantly attracted to.

I think it would be easy for you to find a shapely, curvey woman online. There are thousands if not millions of normal figuared woman and somewhat obese woman and even obese women. You need to take your time in finding one of those if you just can not bring yourself to date woman who are slim or skinny. I agree that very skinny or very slender woman are not that attractive, nor are they really that healthy. But, that is the "ideal" woman are faced with being in society today. At least in our society in the Western cultures.

Look for the inner beauty first though and take the time needed to see that inner beauty. You should not just jump into a relationship anyway just on how a woman "looks". That is shallow and immature behavior. You are cheating both yourself and the woman involved. But, if you just simply can not find it in you to do this then by alll means stay shallow and find a curvy woman who meets your standards and then hope you will find inner beauty afterwards. So many find themselves with individuals they do not even life after they discover exactly how unattractive the person is on the inside.

Best of luck in working through this issue and finding a wonderful partner for life.

Answer 2

This doesn't quite add up, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt for now and assume that you are serious. There is nothing flawed about having a certain preference, but that doesn't mean that the perfect person for you emotionally will match your preference, either. Since I cannot imagine where you are that you simply cannot meet women of the body type you prefer (around here, we literally see them all), I have to assume that they are out there, and either you need to go different places, or you're projecting body type as the problem when in reality there is something else preventing you from meeting someone to whom you're attracted. A little more critical self-examination might be a good place to start; and I don't mean in terms of your body type preferences. Physical traits have a strong influence over initial attraction (especially in males), but any kind of healthy, long-term relationship has to be grounded more in the emotional connection, anyway. So, if you absolutely cannot find a woman of your ideal body type (most men probably never find their _perfect_ ideal), maybe you just need to be a bit more open-minded going in. It sounds like you've tried that some, but just because the first (or second or whatever) woman didn't make a strong connection with you doesn't mean the very next one won't. Feel free to continue to seek the body type you prefer; but remember: Any healthy long-term relationship will be not be based on just physical attraction, anyway.

Answer 3

I think that there are a lot of factors to consider. First of all, it is important to realise that looks are *not* everything. You should be looking at the inside, not the outside. If you talk to people, you may find yourself surprised at at what you find in someone who doesn't happen to be well-endowed in the chest or rear.

Second of all, please remember the difference between curvy and voluptuous women and very obese women. If you are attracted to very obese women, you will only be promoting an unhealthy lifestyle for the woman involved, so this is something that you might want to consider.

Third, I don't think there is anything wrong with being attracted to curvy women. The simple fact is, you want a woman, not a woman who looks like a girl. Large breasts, hips, and rears are characteristics that many men are attracted to. Just becuase the media promotes the idea that grown women are supposed to be underweight or ashamed of their curves, there is nothing to say that you need to fall into that mindset as well.

Answer 4

I am not understanding something. If "My heart is only attracted to large, curvy women, even though most of the women in my environment are such. This deep attraction to a type of woman that I have failed to meet in my day to day life (internet services have failed to help me in my area) causes me extreme angst. "

What is the problem if most of the women in your environment meet the physical specification that "your heart desires." It sounds though you are in a target rich environment and therfore should not have angst.

Why change it? Your preference is your preference and you have tested your character for psychological flaw by dating outsides the physical parameters specified and confused yourself into believing that you must change your heart. That is not sound.

If it is really your heart then, Let your heart be your heart. You really do not have any control that little piece of flesh in your chest when it comes to Love or the iIlusion of Love.

If you are using only your attraction to large,curvy women as your only criterion, and not considering other internal things rooted in character, then you should be angry with yourself for missing out on the important part.

Explain ,"preference has been counterproductive to inner peace for decades mean that I have a character/psychological flaw." How??

Your preferences are yours, like what you like, the way you like it . The odds are in your favor to get the contents with the package of your choosing.

Answer 5

My taste for women is a bit on the voluptuous side too.
I have my theories about this but It's hard not to notice your anxiety about this issue.

I don't think it's a character flaw. Our taste for women might be shaped / affected by many things including media.

Curvy bodies appeal to us men, but like taste for food, the sweeter or saltier the food the tastier it can get. So we might have lost our appreciation for subtlety on this issue and only voluptuous women appeal to us and are satisfactory enough for our animal urge / hunger.

Also large women may subconsciously represent warmth protectivity reproductivity (big breasts) and a rather strong stance instead of fairy like hoovering girls :)

Anyway my thoughts are generally based on sexual appearance on this one.

When it comes to your doubts about yourself, I believe there's nothing wrong with you and you can stick with your taste for such women.

About meeting one such woman, it's just luck / faith, keep looking and I'm sure one or even many will come up your way.

Good luck

Answer 6

If your heart tells you to be attracted to large, curvy women, then who are you to argue with your heart. I don't care what your mind tells you, you will never be happy with a thin woman. Maybe your mother or someone close is a large woman. My husand's mother was tall and weighed about 225. He married me and I am short and overweight,but he loves me for who I am. We have been married 37 years and are happier and more in love than ever. There are so many overweight peopel in the US right now, you should have no trouble finding your dreamgirl. Good Luck..

Answer 7

You sound like a chauvanistic pig! You never once mentioned that you were concerned with the value of a woman's "inside" qualities. As long as you are totally hung up on looks and appearance (despite the fact that your prefered appearance is counter to what is now culturally desired) you will always fail to be successful in relationships.

In simple words, grow up!

Answer 8

i think you should try dating women that are thin or average woman and TRY to change your heart

Answer 9

Wha????? You can't find one on the internet? Wait longer than 2 minutes.....

Answer 10

so you like fat chicks?