What should I do? I am a terrible person....?

Question

I am 21, and my husband 24. I have been with my husband for 4 years, only married a few months, and we have a little girl. He has put me through hell, but we are working on it. I thought everything was going along well...but I cheated. I feel terrible. I love my husband, that is why I took him back. Now, I know that I am a terrible person, a cheating whore, a slut, all of that, so don't waste my time stating the obvious.
My question is, what do I do? I feel so guilty, but I don't want to tell him just to alleviate my feelings of guilt. He will be devastated, and never trust me again. I know that is what I deserve...I just don't know what to do. And, if I do tell him, what do I say so that he knows this is not who I am, that I love him, and that it is not going to happen again?

P.S. I don't need to hear, "once a cheater, always a cheater," and how I am a tramp, deserve what I get, etc. Obviously, cheating is not something that is a part of who I am, or I would not be worried about what it is I need to do. Please don't waste my time. I know that I am a terrible person, did you not read the title of my question?

Answer 1

You need to stop girl, what is wrong with you. If you cheated and you don't think you husband can handle it, and you want to stay with him. You need to ask God to forgive you and then you need to forgive yourself. Stop acting sad and crazy. Get your relationship together, focus on your family and try not to make the mistake again. Let some time past and get each others love and trust back. We all have to pay for our actions and I not saying try and get away with what you have done. I saying make things right with what you got.

Answer 2

You're not a terrible person first of all. Good people do bad things - it doesn't mean you're a bad person. If you were truly a bad person, you wouldn't feel guilty.

Clearly there are some things going on in your relationship, some serious issues. You mentioned he put you through hell. Whatever that involved, this current situation may have something to do with it. Relationships are fluid things, everything that happens within it has repercussions - negative or positive.

You said you took him back. That means you broke up, presumably b/c of something he did? Perhaps cheating was a way to 'level the playing field'. That way you can say to yourself you're no better than him and so why shouldn't you be with him? Or maybe part of you wants out of the relationship...and this was one way to do b/c you know he'll leave when he finds out. It sounds weird, but its a form of rationalization that helsp us when we're trying to make sense out of a senseless situation.

In my opinion, you will need to tell your husband what happened and let the chips fall where they may - then sort it out from there. If you want things to work out with him, you'll both have to come clean and start over in order to build up trust again.

In the meantime I'd encourage you to see a therapist to talk to so you can sort out your feelings of guilt and shame and anger.
All the answers are within you, a good therapist can help you find them.

Answer 3

Go read the July Cosmo if you can find one. There is an article in it about things that worked for your mom's generation might not work for you, or something like that. There's an article about cheating and if you should tell or not and they say if you made one cheating mistake and it was a lapse in judgement, that you shouldn't tell because it will hurt your partner just to clear your conscious. I don't particularly agree with that rationale as if he ever found out you lied or omitted the truth, you'd look like a big ol' liar. But only you can decide in your heart what is right. At least you know you messed up, and that's more than I can say about 1/2 the people in your situation. Find that article and read it and hopefully it will give you the insight you need to do what is right for you. Good luck.

Answer 4

No one is a terrible person for making an honest mistake and you certainly are not a whore or tramp if this was a onetime thing. I think you need to ask yourself why you did this in the first place. You didn't mention what the problems were that caused your breakup in the first place but I'm guessing that he was unfaithful or unattentive to you or both and possibly this triggered a little bit of revenge or getting even. You both need to re- examine your relationship as it does not sound or feel like it is built on trust and love. Go to a consellor, both of you together, tell him/her your feelings and see if this helps. If either one of you is not willing to do this then I think your relationship is actually over already. Hope this helps, Gary.

Answer 5

If you really want to be with him for the rest of your life- don't tell him ever. Deal and suffer with your guilt but don't hurt him any further. Instead focus on your relationship and most importantly-never cheat on him again. You both were very your when you started your relationship and usually these relationships do not last very long because people never had the opportunity to see what else was out there before settling in. But if you believe that you can make it work then go for it.

Answer 6

I wouldn't tell him up front. I would try like hell to get your marriage on track. I agree with most people....seek counseling. If the two of you go to church...talk with the preacher for counseling. This at least an alternative before dishing out money for counseling. If the two of you don't go to church.....you might discuss going together. I would not start going out of the blue, he might sense something is wrong. After having to go through counseling myself, I would have to say the biggest thing that needs to be worked on is COMMUNICATION. If you love each other, then talk. Explain to each other your feelings about him putting you through hell and what you can do to change things....not just you, but both of you.

Another thought is that, if the "hell" he put you through is abuse, then there is no need to stay in the relationship if you don't feel safe. "Because I love him" is no excuse to put you or your child in that situation again. Seek help whereever you can get it....friends, preacher, hot line.

Answer 7

It is who you are though. You cheated, plain and simple. Trust in a marriage is the most important thing, by violating it, you rock the marriage to the core. This is the guilt you are feeling.

Of course, you don't mention why you had the affair- there is always a reason. Think about why you did it and reflect on that reason. It is the key to what you need to do from here. If somethig was/is missing to your marriage, it's not going to repair itself. You two must repair it, otherwise you will cheat again.

Good luck.

Answer 8

First of all r u 2 in church bc a marriage isn't going to survive without God. Ask God to forgive you n bc u 2 just got back together give it some time. Wait until u r r really doing good n it already shows how much u love him n then tell him. Also continue or if ur not start praying every night bc it makes a big difference.
God Bless u 2.

Answer 9

I suggest you two start counseling. You could tell him in there. Say that you want to do better and the reason why you did it. It will take time to build the trust back, but eventually, you will. I really don't know what to tell you. If you do tell him, then he may say he never wants to see you again. It all depends on if you can go through life with this guilt. If not, then tell him and go from there.

Answer 10

Don't tell him. It would be too much for him to bear. It's a good thing you feel so bad about it though because, you won't do that again. Seek counselling or talk to a really close friend. You need to work through these feelings, bottling them up is not doing you any good. And, stop beating yourself up over it....you made a mistake, let it go and move on. You're a good person, remember to tell yourself that.