i hate myself for cheating and risking my relationship.......?

Question

i'm unfaithful + yes, i'm ashamed. i used to say "i would never cheat." but i was so wrong. i'm looking for real advice of how to step away from my affair. how to stop it. please serious answers only, thanks:(

story is that the love-life with my boyfriend is quite unsatisfying. maybe for both of us. my boyfriend seems to be afraid of real passion. or we just don't fit together as lovers. the rest of the relationship is better than i could wishand we can talk about (almost) everything. but never been sparks. miss something. still this is no excuse i know. beliefe me, talking about what "you like" in bed doesn't always help. and second thing: my bf used to make me real jealous. he never had the right measure of how to treat a friend (girl) and not overdo it. he is very sweet and attentive BUT gives attention away too easily. he needed to know that he is adored. preferably by the beautiful girls... it's not only this. WE ARE MORE PARTNERS THAN LOVERS. i do consider my boyfriend

as the love of my life. but one day i just started to get unfaithful with my old love. first i struggled, then i fell in love and gave up emotional resistance. even though this love-affair is years past now, it made me realise there IS something wrong. after a break i was again with my boyfriend. but since the day i first cheated on him, i neither felt remorse, nor bad. i was faithful for 3 years after this first big mistake.

even worse, now, i kind of fell in love again. and i cheat on my bf. for the first time it felt RELIEVING to know this guy. and yes, my heart beat faster. but if i would have the choice, i would always choose my boyfriend!!! :( but this makes me so sick... i know i should end the other thing. this affair will never have a future. I CAN'T GET AWAY FROM HIM. it just needs a word from this guy and i'm going anywhere. it is strange. i know i do wrong. but i used to enjoy knowing him. i kind of loved and accepted this guy (he is

(he is a bad "player";) but suddenly+slowly, i start realising what i'm doing. YES, IT IS WRONG WRONG WRONG. i know. but how to act like it. how to act in the right way and forget him - because if i know one thing, it's the one that i do want to be with my boyfriend who i love like a lover, friend, brother and all in one! i never told him the truth about the old affair (we did break up then) because i didn't want to ever hurt him so badly. but i know if i continue this way,i will!

ah, yes..... before you start feel pitty for my boyfriend you should know he loves to flirt with other girls, to get adored, to feel he's loved and there were one, two situations in which i doubt heavily if he was as faithful as he always loudly claims he is. and i was so smashed when i found out little things he does :( yes. this gives me no legitimation, but might explain why this love affair does do me so good :( yes, it makes me real calm & makes me FORGET TO BE JEALOUS on my boyfriend

P.s. to "Fortunato" :-) it's not that by boyfriend doesn't want to commit. it's rather that he was afraid to commit in the BEGINNING of the relationship (we have been together 4 1/2 years, but even though i tried hard, we never made it to live together. he always indicates he's still a student - almost thirty years old though - still living at his parents) in the beginning it looked like he was afraid of committing too much, BUT NOW it's me being afraid!! i'm afraid of having a man being afraid of a sincere relationship. it's him now rather wanting it more serious ("kids and marriage"), but i can no longer believe his words, but i rather believe my knowledge. i think he is good in making up fantastic worlds and imagining the future, but he never prooved to me he really means it. i feel like he's still in search of himself. and being around him makes my life insecure but also fascinating. *sigh* but yes.. it's me who is having doubts now.

Answer 1

Wow. Thank you for all the details, they were very VERY good in explaining your situation. It sounds very rough, emotionally.

Well, I think you have a good attitude in that you do want to be committed, you do not like betraying someone who trusts you, and you are willing to admit to others what you are doing and the honest truth about how hard it is – you don’t want to "cheat", but you are finding it near impossible not to.

I think many people experience that in their lives. I don’t think your situation is bizarre in any way at all. It seems to be (as I think you figured out on your own) a natural consequence of the problems in your relationship with your bf.

It is also not uncommon for marriages to end up feeling more like “partners” than lovers. Some people are okay with that, while some others find that unendurable. I think there is that desire in people to make a very personal and intimate connection with someone, beyond merely living in proximity to each other.

It sounds like relationally, you are good friends (i.e., you call your relationship good because you can talk about almost anything – you are both open), but you have never really felt a sense of commitment from your bf. You do not feel as if you are personally desired and valued and considered special by him – the woman he is willing to put first in his life. (Is that right?)

It is not surprising at all to me that when some other man actually seems to value you and desire you – makes you feel as if you are special to them – that you respond. Who wouldn’t? It’s like a parched plant being fed water… you can’t help but feel the strong desire to drink deeply.

The whole way thought your post, I was thinking, “Why aren’t they married?” I say this because you (1) consider him the “love of your life,” (2) are relating to him as if you were married, and (3) are trying so hard to be faithful to him as if you were married.

So what has been keeping you from tying the knot and making things official? Based on what you have said about your bf, I would suspect that he is the one dragging his feet You would marry him in a heartbeat (am I right?), but he doesn’t want to make the commitment.

(If that guess isn't true, ignore the rest...)

That’s a sad and lonely place to be. But if I am right, then it is basically the root of your problem: You are committed to your bf, while he is unwilling to place you in that special place of value and importance in his life. He’s basically taking advantage of the benefits of being married, without being willing to show you he is committed to you and binding himself to the task of really valuing and loving you above other women.

Marriage both makes the other person feel valued (“they are willing to stick with ME, they chose ME!”), and it also helps the married person to love their spouse more, if they take the vow seriously. If we bind ourselves to something or someone and sacrifice much for them, we can't help but value them even more.

Your bf, I think, has never done this. You love him and value him more than he does you. Your heart knows it and is seeking value in relationships with other men.

I know you love this guy. But you are not married. This will continue to drag out until you either chose to find a man who actually values you enough to openly commit or until your bf buckles down, decides you are worth his focus and attention, and makes you the “special women” in his life and stops doing the playboy routine to stroke his own feelings.

I wish I had a different answer for you, because it forces you to make a very big, very hard decision.

You are not married to him in reality. You feel as if you are – because you were willing to make that commitment – but he is not married to you in his heart. You are in pain because you are acting as if he did feel that way but he doesn't.

Ultimately, you know you want a guy willing to value you. It hurts for it not to be this guy you have loved so long, but you are settling for less and merely letting the pain drag out by living in this situation.

If you are to have a real relationship, something has to change. It might be you, leaving and finding someone who will value and commit to you without reluctance.

I'm sorry about that, and it's hard to take such a big risk by moving on in life, but it might be what needs to happen. I think ultimately, assuming your bf never changes, you will find more fulfillment with someone who is willing to commit.

Take care, and just take things a bit at a time.

Answer 2

If it bothers you so much and you are so ashamed and feel guilty then you know it is wrong why continue to do something that is hurting you mentally and emotionally? If you can't stop go see a counselor and get some help.It's only going to get worse,because if your BF don't know he will find out nothing good ever comes from doing something that is wrong.
commit yourself to getting back on track with your BF if the sex is not that great then maybe you need to innitiate some other sex positions or bring some whip cream to bed or buy a vibrator some men like the feel of the vibes on them while having sex with you.Thre are ways to get through this and to get out of your rutt you just have to decide Do I really love my BF and do I want to be with him long term 3 years is a commitment and how would you feel if he was cheating on you? Are you still having sex with him?? If so I hope you love him enough to use protection with the person/people you are cheating with.He does not deserve to be given any kind of STD because of your unfaithfulness.Please Get help.You talk about everything except your sex life try bringing it up and discussing the problems,initiate sex at the most inopportune time,example when he is driving on the interstate give him head who knows maybe the excitement and risk of truckers being able to see you and what you are doing will turn you both on and you might need to find a side road somewhere and get it on. Don't give up if you want this relationship to work.

Answer 3

WWWWWWWWOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!! Where is your boyfriend during all this "cheating"? Yes, you are able to admit that this wrong and so was I in my single years. If you are committed to your bf and he 2 u. Why do you do it? What satisfaction do you get from your lover? 2 wrongs dont make a right. Good philosophy, at your jealous times when your bf sends you into a jealous fit is this when this is happening? There lies your answer, your bf is doing things that make you jeallous and instead of owning up to the fact that you are jealous you lash out by secretly making him jealous and satisfying other needs on your own. AND ITS NOT RIGHT, ITS VERY WRONG. If that is indeed your case. If you cant discuss, other things with your bf besides intimacy there is a problem, a very big one to be thought through and discussed. Also, as for the affair, if you take the time and energy u use to "CREEP" into your relationship with your bf guess what. that affair will diminish to nothing. This is the easiest way to explain a way out, unless ur lover is one of spitefulness that will take every opportunity to ruin what u share with your bf? Furthermore, r u happy with ur bf and the realtionship u two share? Compare all the good and bad with bf to ur lover, which one is outweighed/outnumbered? And last but not least factor in all of ur ages, nowadays everyone seems to jump in head first instead of heart first. Where are either of these relationships gonig to stand(good side/bad side) in adulthood?

Answer 4

This is a hard position, I know exactly what you are going through, but I also have a one year old with this man. I have never cheated, but boy the thought is always there. The truth is unhappiness comes in all forms. Sex, believe it or not, is a big part of the emotional connection you have with your partner. It's on TV, in magazines, it's everywhere, and you will definitely notice when you don't have it, especially when you have had good sex. It's a choice of how important it is to you. But the cold hard truth, you have to stop cheating. It's not your boyfriends fault that there is no sexual chemistry, and he shouldn't be betrayed because of it. You must tell him, because you do adore him, and you think he is a great guy. Remember happiness is a two-way street.

Answer 5

I think you don't love him as much as you think. Love is actions, not a feeling. You have to choose to love someone every day and every moment. It seems to me, that at some point the growth of your relationship stopped and became stagnant. Unless the relationship is continually growing or changing for the better or at least the same level, it will die. My advice would be to get some counseling or just break up with him and don't tell him you cheated. No reason to hurt him even more. It sonds like your problems go beyond sexual issues, I think it still bothers you that he flirts and it bothers you less now because you are getting attention elsewhere. The fact that you have no remorse about it tells me a lot. I'm not chastising you for cheating, but it seems your relationship is dead or on life support. Good luck to you.

Answer 6

Girl, you are crazy! However, let me just bask because while I was reading your question I was living bi-curiously through you! I have an ex boyfriend whom I adored but was cheating on from time to time but I didn't let him know I was unfaithful! (I was in the military and so was he, the pressures to cheat are there) So, after I got out the Army he went to the Air force and the relationship dwindled he basically just cut me off. Didn't return calls changed his cell number and etc! He never told me it's over! So here I am in another relationship still wanting him sexually (the sex was the best I have ever had)! I compare my new bf to him all the time and he doesn't do the things my ex did to make me feel special but he is faithful and has a great job! I want to find my ex and cheat so bad!!! However I know that my current relationship is best for me! And my current relationship I have been completely faithful 2 1/2 years and counting! I would never cheat on my bf I have now! All I can say is girl, do you!

Answer 7

My advise would be to stop and do some serious thinking....No guy should want to be 'adored'....and if he wants that...hes setting himself up for a lifetime of broken relationships. You don't seem to be satisfied with either relationship...You said that he doesn't have the real measure of how to treat a girlfriend...yet, he is flirting with girls...so my guess is that he DOES know how to treat a girl...or he is at least trying by flirting with them. Don't put up with it...you deserve respect...and you also deserve to look at yourself in the mirror and like and respect who you see. End it all and get a better outlook and handle on what you want in a boyfriend and get to know yourself a bit better...You need to feel good about yourself...don't cheat on a guy but don't cheat yourself out of a happy life by 'accepting' whatever a guy gives you in a relationship...keep the 'bar' high...and you'll feel better for it.

Answer 8

*sigh* wow-- you got a lot going on. first of all, it's a start to @ least realize and understand what you're doing isn't good-- and it's really awful-- but it's also good that you said the whole story. you weren't trying to make excuses-- you were just letting us know what was going on.

when i was reading what you said about your boyfriend-- i thought the same thing you said later on-- you guys are more PARTNERS than lovers-- and most ppl may not realize it, but there's a HUGE difference that lies there. passion makes up a BIG part of a relationship-- because it's more than just love-- and it's far stronger than love too-- along with any other emotion put into a relationship. if you guys don't have that passion, then that relationship is 50% gone already. i'm not talking about sex as passion-- but i'm talking about the love that's stronger than love that two people have for one another. it's great that you are able to talk to him about everything and communicate with him about everything-- but if you can't "communicate" in bed-- that's a pretty hard hit for a relationship to take, and i understand why you went back to your ex. you NEEDED that "attention" you weren't recieving in bed-- and believe me girl-- just talking about what you like in bed wouldn't cut it for me either! lol.

it's good that you've cut this off but it's bad that you've gone back. i think you need to get rid of BOTH of these men. none of these two men are suited for you. as much as you think they are-- they aren't. you yourself said that this affair has no future. that's a BIG BIG sign. that means STOP STOP STOP right now! (i'm sure you know this though-- lol) there's a man out there who truly does exist that'll fit your needs completely and whole-heartedly. and like i said before, these two men are -not- it.

i would say try to make it work with your current boyfriend-- but it also seems too me that he wants the attention of other women more than he does from you-- and that's a HUGE no-no on his part too. i think you really need to move on from this phase of your life, and find someone new. but DON'T jump into another relationship for a LOOONG time.. maybe a couple years-- because you need to make sure that you've put this unfaithfulness behind you for GOOD. when that right man comes along, you should have ZERO chance of screwing up-- cheating--anything. you should be COMPLETELY with him and he should be the exact same way.

you really need to end this-- all of it-- and believe me, i know you can do it. you'll be fine hun-- this is just a really rough patch in your whole life, and you'll make it through. good luck and the best of wishes sweetie!! take care!!!

Answer 9

how can you say you love him too much to leave him....you already did, as soon as you cheated on him.....there are too many questions in thsi to answer all....but once you were with another....you left him.....it is sad that you are thinking all is okay, and nothing is different...it is....you are no longer with the one you love

Answer 10

If u can describe beautifully then u can also take decision vcoz u hv a great mind. so think and solve