what should I do? (abusive relationship, children involved) - seriously considering leaving husband?

Question

we've been married for 12 years and he's becoming increasingly emotionally abusive. The abuse is mostly aimed at me, although he does yell and swear at our two children (ages 7 and 4 1/2) more and more often now. (and, in fact, he claims that is my fault b/c I am "too soft" in my disicpline.) The problem is, the children still adore him because he is extremely immature and impulsive, which I guess makes him a good playmate (puts him more on their emotional level). They really hang on everything he says (some of which is belittling me and what I tell them to do) and enjoy his company very much. I am afraid that they will resent me for taking them away from their daddy if I leave with them. I don't know how to explain the situation to them, how to get them to understand without bad-mouthing their father. I don't want them to hate him, but I also don't want them to stay in a situation where they are being abused and learning awful patterns and habits. Please help!

Answer 1

I am in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage also. Together 12 years, married 8. He is like two different people. One is sweet and the other is horrible and hollers and calls me names and gives me the silent treatment(which is also abuse). I am in the process of preparing to leave. It is very hard. You're worried about the kids resenting you, they are kids, they will understand more when they are older. I think that they will appreciate you getting them out of that environment. I used to feel that way too, but recently my 6 year old daughter came up to me and said" Mommy, I thought that a man is supposed to love his wife and make her happy, but daddy gives you such a miserable life". That really got me to thinking. I don't want my kids to grow up and be abusers or think that it's ok to be abused in any way. So please think this over and hopefully you will be making preparations to leave. I don't know if I will divorce right away, but I will definitely leave and seek child support and go from there. Email or IM me if you want to talk further. Maybe we can help each other through this. Lots of love to you!

Answer 2

I think you know what you need to do. Stop looking at the past and look at the present, the man is ABUSIVE! It doesn't sound like he wants to change or if he even believes he is doing anything wrong. Honestly, you would be doing yourself and your children a HUGE disservice by staying with a man who does not have your best interest at heart. You say that he is emotionally abusive...what stops him from turning physical?

You do have 12 years of marriage to look at, so divorce may not be the immediate option. Instead, I suggest that you all separate and seek family counseling and anger management (well for your husband). If he refuses, then you need to do whatever you can to make sure that you and your children are safe. I hope everything works out! :-)

Answer 3

I am very sorry you are in this situation. I grew up in a physically abusive household, my parents would fight all the time. However I was not hit. But it really hurt me to see my mom get hurt, I felt that I should have protected her. I think it would be best for you and your children to leave. Even if they get upset now and even if your husband tell them things in the long run it woulf be the best. Being a parent isnt allways easy, but you allways do whats best for your children. And dont sell yourself short you dont deserve being treated like that. You are a human being, and I think overall you will teach your children self respect. I hope everything turns out for the best good luck!

Answer 4

Abuse is a cycle that keeps rotating and repeats itself. It can get worse if not councelled or worked out. Your husband is controlling and manipulative and is using the kids to side with him and make himself to be the good guy. He will continue to belittle you until you can stand up for your self and say Enough Is Enough! Have you seen that movie with Farrah Faucet The Burning Bed? Or that movie with Angela Basset What Love Got To Do With It? And the other one with Jennifer Lopez Enough? These women had somethin in common. The all went through a severe abusive and near death experiences in their lives and feared for their lives in one way or another and it did affect their children. The children still loved theri mother. Yours still love you. These movies may have been based on a true story or made up. But abuse does occur all through out the USA and even in other countries. So, yes you need to take the stand. The move to defend yourself and your safty for you and your children. Contact a local abusive womens shelter, there should be one for you, if not contact a very close friend that you know that you can trust and won't say nothing to your husband or contact a local Church and they may be able to direct you. If not any of them, contact the Police. Dont let it get so bad where a life is nearly lost and act now or as soon as you can.

I too, was abused and my life was threatend and my children too. I went to a womens shelter and they protected me and kept confidentiality. They thought that my life was so threatend that the establishment paid for our tickets out of town to another womens shelter that had a more secure facility. They councelled me and even though I was there I was still frightend thinking he would come after me and the kids. He even had his close friends looking for me to see if I was there and they tricked me and they found me and I had to disappear again. I hired a lawyer and placed a restraining order on him. Me and the kids are fine now and I am happy now in my marriage. I too have been married 12 years this past the 9th and we are doing great.

So, it is up to you to make the right choices. I will keep you in my prayers. Be safe and think wisely for your safety and your children.

God Speed upon you.

Answer 5

Your children will NOT RESENT YOU for taking them away from their ABUSVIE FATHER !!! in fact, they will respect you even more ~~ because you STOOD up for what what right for yourself and them...You have a responsiblity to PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN.....he is harming them as well EMOTIONALLY, IF THEY ARE WITNESSES TO YOUR HUSBAND'S ABUSIVE WAY. With time, the odds are that they will grow up to be just like him ~~ because they are being permitted to live with it. Please leave him - he's a jerk. There's alot of men out there who do not abuse women in ANY MATTER. Stop being a victim ~ and become a survivor. A crisis center can help you . GOOD LUCK

Answer 6

Even if the abuse is not usually toward the children, they are seeing that as an example. If you stay in that situation it is likely that your children will repeat that pattern when they are married and in relationships. You need to make an ultimatum and then leave. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children.

Answer 7

your kids could resent u more if u stay. and worry that your son could grow up to do the same in his relationships. you dont have to bad mouth the father follow your gut.i left my first husband after 4 years he was beating me its not easy nor matter what the abuse.

Answer 8

Leave is only the issue that you have, yes your children might hate you at the beginning but would you rather having them acting like him when they are grown up or responsible adults.

Answer 9

Please get them out of that situation. Not only your children, but yourself. My parents (whose situation sounds similar) stayed together for us kids, when we would have rather had them split up. You definitely don't want them to grow up learning from their father. Get them away while they're younger. While they might resent it now, they'll understand when they're older.

Answer 10

u answered ur own question abusive and ur kids.they want resent u unless u keep letting daddy do what he wants.