I Cheated on my husband 3yrs ago. He's still angry...what do I do?

Question

At the time of the affair my sister had just died and he didn't even accompany me to the funeral. I guess I can say I was being selfish because @ the time, my 5 yr old was in school and he wanted to stay and make sure she didn't miss schoo. Anyhow, he could have still met me. He opted out. Anyway, he was staying out late, claiming he was at work, he never calls to check on my or see how the children may be doing...his attitude is as long as their with their mother their fine. He never compliments me and I'm always by myself, with the acception of the children (we have 2 girls now) He didn't make me feel sexy he just always wanted to jump on me. I'm not into anal sex and that's what he keeps pressuring me about. He has a way of making me feel guilty. I've tried but it is very, very, very, very painful and I thought sex was supposed to be enjoyed. I don't know how much more of this I can take and to top it off, he has this young lady calling him off the hook & he's an up coming minister.

Answer 1

This is a tough one.

It breaks my heart to see this happening particularly within the church. Yet another reason why unbelievers mock Christians and who can blame them, really.

I am not sure if I can give you an answer here in a public forum because I do not know all of the factors involved and NO one should presume to give you an answer without knowing all the facts. A good pastoral counselor can look at your marriage as a whole. There are so many things to consider.Again, my intention is not to give you an answer but help you look at a few things.

If you were my client, I would begin with the following:

1. What is your relationship with the Lord? Your spouse's relationship?

2. What level of physical involvement did you have before you married (often there is lingering bitterness regarding this)

3. Did you have both parent's blessing before you married (this sounds foolish but it is something most people don't think about). Did your parents approve of the timing of your marriage?

4. Is this your first marriage? What about your spouse?

5. How are your finances? Do you agree about the way money is spent ? (This is the number one cause of marital strife). Are there any wrong priorities that are putting pressure on the family/couple.

6. What is your support system? Who do you call on for spiritual support (prayer,fasting,counsel)?

7. What have you determined as the purpose of your marriage?If you don't have a vision/mission statement for your marriage it will falter.

8. What steps have you taken to protect your marriage from adultery? There are specific ways to avoid this?What safeguards are there in place?


Often times I see that the problems couples want solved are only symptoms of root issues and that the couple wants to solve the surface issues only (such as adultery,unforgivenness, abuse) and are not willing to do the difficult work.Very few people choose to keep a marriage together because our society says you can quit if you are not happy and actually applaud divorce.

In my experience, I have only met one or two women who gave it their all and relied on God to save their marriages. For these women, God was able to completely restore them and their marriages. One in particular is married to a physically abusive husband who cheated on her several times with prostitutes. Talk about a tough situation but they followed good advice and made it work. These two are in ministry today helping other couples reconcile.

There is hope if you choose to save your marriage. That is your choice. If you do choose to do so, DON'T give up!

Blessings to you and your husband

Answer 2

it seem like yur making excuses for cheating, I apreciate the fact that you felt lonely but if you're truly faithful, you'll never think of cheating. He have all the right to be mad at you, and loosing faith in you, his Trust was betrayed and his heart broken, it takes a long time to mend those things.

As of the way he's treating you right now, and pressuring you on sex, that's not right either! you're a married couple, sex shouldn't be such a big deal anymore! and you should be comfortable while yur intimate, he shouldn't be making you feel guilty, if he is, there's something wrong.

YOur marriage seem really messed up now, and if there continue to be so much tension, maybe there should be no marriage at all. If it's just not working out, just leave.

That's just my point of view, it's really all up to you, wish you the best of luck and God Bless

Answer 3

The only reason you feel "jealous" or "insecure" about the attention he is receiving from the other lady is because of YOUR past unfaithful behavior. Someone who is trusting and secure in their relationship would not care that another person is contacting him.

If you hav not tried counseling then I would advise it. otherwise, you two may be doomed to lives of insecurity and distrust.

Do not give in to his guilt trips. Do not feel bad about yourself for something that happened so long ago. Once a cheater always a cheater is NOT true, but it does bring a huge amount of insecurity to both people involved in a relationship.

Best of luck, and get some help, if not with him, then at least for yourself.

Answer 4

I can understand why you cheated. You did it because he sounds on the abusive side. He is not supportive of you enough with helping with the kids, when you have a family crisis. He has women calling at all hours of the night (BTW does she know you are married? Tell her not to call anymore!! Tell him also!!)

After 3 years he needs to let it go. That is too long to be making you feel guilty.

You need to ask yourself. Are you happy in this relationship? Do the good times outweigh the bad?

Why don't you do some counseling... you are in church? How about with the pastor? It sounds like you two really need help to resolve your problems.

Life is too short to be unhappy if you can do something about it. Good luck sweetie.

Answer 5

You should try marriage counseling, Dr. Phil even! If that don't work, or you just don't want to spend the time and money, just go to a paralegal, and get a divorce, because, it sounds like to me, your marriage, is down at the bottom, and up is the only way to go. You want to be happy in life, and not struggle. You live only once. Don't make it a waste. Take your children, and live a little. Best Wishes!

Answer 6

No one should force you to do any sexual act against your will. I think anal sex is very wrong .. your muscles were not make to have thing up there only to come there. I think he maybe having an affair and I would leave this relationship as soon as possible and seek out the one that will make you happy and respect that anus is for deification . Run for you life . Remember Aids

Answer 7

While I can understand and even agree that cheating is wrong, everyone makes mistakes. You had your reasons and while they do not excuse your behavior they do eplain it. If your husband has known about this for some time and continues to be upset by it you need to sit down and have a serious talk, explain to him taht while you understand you were wrong he has chosen to forgive you, with that choice, comes the expectation for him to let it go, he has to leave it alone. While I know taht he may feel extremly hurt, you are still with him and this has not happened again, you have chosen to be with him to this day which shows that you do have a love and commintment to him.

Answer 8

No REAL man of God would act that way toward his beloved wife and lover. Not right. He is a bad boy, and does not have the right to punish you--God has already forgiven, but Mr, Preacher -Man won't let you forget.
This is ABuse, darlin' with a capital A!!!
I can identify with everything you said about the treatment from this man, and lack of manners and more you have not written--go to a women's center for some counseling, you need to find out how to get out on your own before he does any more emotional, mental, or physical damage to you, please get help.

Answer 9

You made a mistake, I did the same. My now ex never forgave me. It destroyed our marriage. I know what your feeling, but it gives us no right at all to cheat. We just make stupid mistakes that cost us a lot. If he hasn't forgiven you in 3 years, believe me, he's not going to forgive you. Sorry, but your marriage is over from the way you once knew it. It will never ever be the same. It's eating at him, you cheating. Accept responsibility for what you did, try to forgive yourself because he's not going to. He is responsible for the way he is reacting and what he is doing with the other young lady now, not you.

Answer 10

apparently he can't learn to forgive and forget. i dont blame you for cheating with how much of an @ss he's acting like. sounds like he has a girlfriend on the side too. why put up with his $hit anymore? leave him. you may have cheated but that was in the past.what happens in the past needs to stay in the past. he dont need to be an @ss for something u did 3 years ago. if you havent cheated on him since then apparently you proved that you arent gonna do it again. if he cant accept what happened 3 years ago then leave him. your happiness comes first