I am driving my husband nuts? or do I have a reason?

Question

WE have been married 1.5 years. Before we were married, because my husband thought that I was cheating on him... as he states, he cheated on me with three different men. I sent him money while working in colorado... so as to pay a bill so he didnt get into trouble on his law enforcement job... later finding out that he paid massage therapists to come over and give him massages while we were engaged... and I was waiting for him to transfer out to Colorado from Kansas. I never knew EVER until after we got married and 6 mos later, while pregnant, that he did this. I also found out that the day after we married he got online and had web sex with a woman. This happened almost a year ago. 9 mos ago, he then told other cops he works with that he would love to bone the CPT. Secretary. That also broke my heart. He said that he was just saying this being stupid and showing off. Never once since we have been married has he ever suprised me with a dinner, or done a thing romantic. I am getting....

I am getting deeply depressed. In sex, its all about him also, he has never done oral sex, and its all about his pleasure. He accuses me constantly of cheating. I am sick at heart over this. I dont know what to do. I love him... yet I hate him. I am at the point where sex is a chore, and I am thinking about other men, and I feel very sinful for this. I need help I think. He has never even bought me a gift. NEVER... except Christmas he bought me a coffee maker. I was heart broken. Our very first anniversary, we didnt do a thing. I am wondering if he is with me because of our daughter!

OMG! No not men... women. Sorry, mistyped. He cheated with three different WOMEN.

I DIDNT KNOW HE CHEATED UNTIL I WAS 9 MOS PREGNANT AND AFTER WE WERE MARRIED, AND I MADE A MISTAKE SAYING HE CHEATED WITH MEN... HE CHEATED WITH WOMEN. ALSO I HAVE 4 other CHILDREN FROM A PREVIOUS MARRIAGE. Husband is DEAD! That is why I am afraid to LEAVE!

Answer 1

OK, let me be blunt - while my ex (technically still my husband - we're separated) never cheated on me, I also thought that sex was a chore and hated doing it. While he treated me a heck of a lot better than yours, I had a hard time just dealing with that alone.

I really feel for you babe.

there really is no kind answer to this.
i would love to say 'chin up, it will all get better' - but it won't.
what he is doing to you is a form of domestic violence - emotional abuse.
he wants you to prove your loyalty (which he tests all the time) even though he isn't loyal to you. he does this to control the relationship and you.

firstly - you MUST go talk to a professional counselor or psychologist for their support and guidance. You're going to need it.

second you have to make the decision yourself on what you are going to do - stay or leave.

thirdly put that into action.

be strong and think of your kids and your own happiness.
stop thinking with your heart and think with your head.

welcome to your independence - freedom is a beautiful thing ;)

Answer 2

I am so sorry you have fallen into the syndrome with the lousy cop behaviour. Not all cops are this way, but , honey, I am here to tell you that it is a most COMMON behaviour, and I can't explain it.
Selfish to the core for self gratification is too familiar, and I am sorry to say that this may just be a MAN thing as much as a Cop thing.
WE women take too much effort, and the men, once focused on their own pleasure, have no energy left to spend with us AFTER - when THEY are happy and sated.
This is not a good sign that he is currently wanting to affair with someone else, and the gift lack is another thing that is a sign of a most selfish person--if you are an enabler and a care-taker, somehow, he will continue to eat that up with a silver spoon!!!
See if he will see a therapist, the Department has some marriage counseling available--but if he is too shy or ashamed to get help--then we need to find a way to get you some help--this is wrong, wrong, wrong, and you ought not settle for a roof over your head, and a pillow under it!
There is more to life than this.
Or, so I hear!

Answer 3

My husband and i have been married 20 years- we met in 10th grade in highschool. Your husband is being totally disrespectful to you as his wife and woman. He is being selfish and seems to only care about himself. The things he has lied to u about- well that makes it really hard to trust again Im sure! But making comments about other women he wants to bone- NO way ! Id kick my mans butt all the way back to texas on that one! My hubby would never dream of saying that around me or anyone else. You need to sit him down and tell him exactly how u feel. Pour out your heart and hold nothing back. If he loves you he will make a huge effort to become a new man for you. Take one night a week for YOU- take a hotbubble bath- get dressed up- do your hair and make up and go somewhere all by yourself. DO NOT even invite your hubby! Even if u just go to the walmart parking lot and sit there 2 hours GO! This will make your hubby stop and think. Appreciate u so much more. If he is not going to spoil u- spoil yourself a little. i know this has got to hurt you- my heart is with you. You deserve so much more than that. He is being a total A$$!

Answer 4

ouch, i feel for ya. first off most men these days talk the talk but dont go anywhere with other women in your case you seem to know for a fact that he has .... a man accusing a woman of cheating is two things at once one its his way of turning this into a you thing and not really about the truth of the matter and the other a man that lobs accusations and insults at his wife is a man who wants to dominate his spouse if she has a lowered self esteme she is more volnerable to his dominance and when she is on the defense as she would be she is easly dominated. my mother taught me( a guy) that a woman can get a man to do anything she wants him to do if she knows how. there isnt enough room to give the explanation but it works ..... ask my wife lol . you have a child and with that most people would say leave him ( not i ) i would say move him out of your house and refuse sex with him and tell him he must live with you and your child when not at work or asleep and you must know where he is at all times. after dinner tell him to go back to his place if you should want to call him in the middle of the night he better be there if this man really wants his marriage he will beg and beg all the while you stick to your guns and demand your marriage and child be first never have sex during this seperation or you will be back to square one.... sounds drastic i know but is your child worth it? is your marriage worth it ? are you worth getting your man to love and cherish you like a wife should be... marriage and sex is fun if you love to be married like my wife and i do.... seek counseling for you dont worry about him yet learn your own tricks of combating verbal abuse and how a man can lower a womans selfesteem so easily good luck

Answer 5

why did u even marry this guy. He just does these things to you and yet he even say's that your cheating on him. You know the accuser is the person who is doing what he is accusing you of.
I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this and I would get out of this relationship, for your benefit and your child's. You deserve a better life, and I'm sure you could find someone who will be there to love and Cherish, you and be faithful to you. Not just for himself but also for you. It takes 2 to make a marriage, not just 1. I wish you the best, God Bless.

Answer 6

You have a good case for someone who needs more than what she's getting.

And i'm not sure if your husband is gay b/c you said he cheated on you with 3 different men...but whatever - i think he's got some trust issues.
One who is hard to trust is often one who has problems trusting others. Hence, the fact that he "thought" you were cheating on him.

Why did you two get married? I'm just curious.

I think you should express your concerns with him. And if he doesn't want to make you feel better, then what DOES he want with you? ya know?

Answer 7

Sounds like your husband is not ready to commit, and may never be. He's not treating you like a man treats a woman he's in love with. Believe me, no matter what you look like, how old you are, or what "baggage" you have, there are PLENTY of guys out there that would be willing to treat you right. By staying in this one-sided relationship, even with child, you are not doing yourself, or your child any favors. Do you want your child to grow up witnessing this behavior, and experiencing all the stress that comes with it? One of my friends, a 33 yr old woman, left her husband of 15 years, with their 1-yr old daughter in tow. It was hard for her to leave after such a long relationship, but his behavior started out similar to what you've described of your husbands', and only got worse as time went on. She is MUCH happier now (after a tough, but rewarding, year after), and has already found a VERY nice and handsome man that treats her extremely well and loves her daughter as his own. Trust me, a relationship built on lies, cheating, and general disrespect is NOT worthwhile. Why spend your ONLY life to live with someone that mistreats you and fills you with suspicion and resentment? It's your choice! Good luck!!

Answer 8

Only you know what to do...from what you have written, it appears you are finally waking up and smelling the coffee. Having a child with someone is not a good reason to stay married.
There are two sides to every story, but even without hearing what he has to say about you, his behavior as described by you, doesn't demonstrate that of a good husband or a happy future together.

Answer 9

First of all he cheated on you with a man, secondly he had cybersex with someone he didn't even know and thirdly he treats you like crap. Get the hell out, don't look back and find someone that can love you for who you are. He can still be a daddy to his daughter but you don't and shouldn't put up with that ****. Once a cheater always a cheater.

Answer 10

Am I reading your question correctly? Your husband cheated on you with 3 different MEN???????

I read your question 3 times. Maybe you should read it a few times....I think you're missing something.

This guy obviously has serious problems. Has sexual orientation issues. Is narcissistic, self absorbed and.......look, bottom line...............what in the name of god are you doing with him???????

Get him into therapy. Or get away from him and get yourself into therapy. But first, get a blood test. My god. And ask yourself, why did you marry him in the first place?