Friend Issues?

Question

I have a group of friends that I have known for a while. About half of us are married, some of us have kids. I dont go out that often and what was a friendly convo on messenger, turned into (what i feel is an attack).

My friend just told me that she hates inviting me places becuase I always so no. She is trying to make me feel guilty about it.

What can I do to tell her that i have other priorities, without attacking her back. I have a family and I dont need to be going out.

I invite her places and she doesnt even call me back. Or, she will say she is coming and then doesnt show up.

Also, I have heard from other people that she has said bad things about me.

I am a complete pushover and totally unconfrontational. How do I handle this, but keep in line with my normal personality.

I consider her a dear friend.

Answer 1

I had somewhat of a similiar situation last year and it's "trying" to start up again lately....you have to be frank with them is all....otherwise they will walk all over you and you will only end up doing what they want....I was a pushover for years and finally I stood my ground and in the process I lost a few friends but ya know what?? I'm a lot happier because of it.....no-one has the right to attack me when I have done nothing to them except go out of my way to help out...they were never happy with anything I did unless it was with them....well...you said it...you have priorities when you have children and/or married....gosh, sometimes even when you have a (should I say it) BOYFRIEND!!
Yep, that's right, sometimes one of us meets someone that they are actually attracted to and really like/love...what should we do?? Give that person up because our "friends" don't like them?? or have a problem with them?? Well, ** NEWSFLASH**
our "friends" wouldn't give up their boyfriend if we asked them to, so why should WE?? also...how juvenile is it to get jealous of another guy/girl?? It's called growing up....I'm 36 and sometimes even at this age...the girls are still acting catty....I would be more than happy for my friends if they had a great family or boyfriend, why wouldn't I be??
Just stick to your guns and take a stand....believe me, it will make all the difference in the way you feel about yourself and them!!!
Good Luck to you!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 2

tell her that your family comes first, and you would expect the same from her if she had a family. And for this you should come out of your shell of being a pushover. But if the friendship must come to an end you'll feel better about it later.

Answer 3

It sounds like she is jealous because you have a family and she doesn't. It sounds as if you want the friendship to continue, but she doesn't sound like such a great friend. Just tell her what you said here, and try to make it to more of her events. If she blows you off again, let her know that that is not right either.

Answer 4

From what it sounds like, this "friend" (as opposed to your situation) is not married with kids though you never explicitly say that she's single.

So other people have said that she has been saying bad things behind your back? Other than yourself, does this woman have any other friends that are married (with or without kids) that she's been treating rather harshly? Or are you the only one that this is happening to? You may want to ask the people you've been speaking with this if you don't know the answer already. If she's been this way to everyone that like yourself who have priorities to attend to that come with married life and family, it's possible that she's feeling upset at not being able to hang out with everyone like what times may have happened in the past. That still doesn't give her the excuse to be rude and inconciderate, however.

If she has been just doing this to you and you alone, that would be a cue that maybe something else is festering under the surface besides your not being able to go out. As someone else said, it could be jealousy over you having something she would like. It could be something completely unrelated to you. Maybe she's having problems with work or problems with someone she's related to and you just happen to be the easiest thing to take it all out on.

Whatever it is, if it's just you that she's going off her rocker about, if you want to be non-confrontal about it, you are going to have to take it in stride that this isn't a friendship any more and either ignore her completely from now on (IM, phone, etc) or just tell her up front that this friendship isn't what it used to be anymore. People DO change over time and sometimes it causes large enough changes to do such things. Not always, but sometimes.


Now I'll jump sides and play devil's advocate:

Frankly, if I asked someone out for brunch or some outing and they turned me down EVERY time I asked, I might be a little peeved too, especially if that same person then expected me to be free when they asked me out for something.

Even if this person doesn't have a hubby/family, she probably hs her own plans/life/agenda/whatever you want to call it. Maybe from her point of view she feels that you are expecting her to always rearrange her life/reschedule her day to just hang out for one day or a few hours with you.

When she calls to ask you to hang out, all you comment is that you tell her that you have other priorities. While still on the same phone call, do you ever talk to her and ask her if there are any other times she would like to go out that might work better for the two of you? Do you two actually discuss over the phone/IM what you're schedules are like and what days/times you might have free time?

Okay, so the phrase "I have a family" hints that you have kids and 'scheduling' and 'kids' is practically an oxymoron. You may have to take a different direction/outlook on this going out thing. Instead of waiting 'til the rare time that you have a sliver of free time, *plan ahead* for the free time so you can make the most out of it. If need be, see if you can get a babysitter or a friend (or hubby?) to watch the kids for a little while. Just because you have family doesn't mean you "don't need to be going out" as you said. That's rediculous. You need to 'get out' sometimes, even if it's just a stroll through the park.

However, the above only works if both of you are willing to discuss what days/times you can get together. If all that happens is:

"Hey, can we get together Monday?"
"No."
*click* (phone hang up/IM off)

...there are problems in just talking/communication that you need to get over first. (You don't mention how you and your friend are in your non-face to face conversations so it's hard to judge how much you to have actually conversed using the phone or IM.) But if it's communication problems, then chances are it's out of your hands. Go look for someone else that has either a more tolerable attitude and a schedule closer to yours and don't expect much from the said "friend".

My appologies on the length. (I had some time on my hands today while waiting for the paint in house to dry.) While not necessarily all a possitive, hopefully it gives you some ideas/insights.

Answer 5

ignore...it..but do you consider her as a real dear friend???? see she is just jelous because she doesn't have a real family like you that is why she is saying bad things about you. Wouldn't you do the same if you were jelous about her? Please email me back [e-mail]
Thankyou

Answer 6

well if she was a really dear friend she would have underestand your situation.. avoid her for a while and be cool about it..