We've been best buddies for 6 years now. Though we see each other only during the summer (living in different coutries) we're always in touch and every summer it's me and him hanging out together almost everyday. He once told (we both quite high on alcohol) me that he loved me and would never do me any harm because of that. He used to have a girlfriend, but is single for 5 years now. We never even kissed, but hugged and slept in one bed (without any sexual contact). I know that I'm terribly in love with him, but cannot risk losing him altogeher if i confide in him my secret affection. When I'm upset at him he would come and hold me in his arms. Last year he said that I shouldn't be looking at him in a nightclub like that (I smiled at him). It was pretty painful. I am afraid he just knows what I feel and tried to take distance from me. This summer we again hung out together but this time I did my best to show self-restraint and tried avoiding bodily contact with him. What should I do?
2006-07-13 07:53:05 · 14 answers · asked by Nick 1 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
I really feel for you on this one my friend. I have been with my current partner for almost 4 years now and I am very happy, but before that in college I was a sucker for falling in love with friends. Three times in fact, and each time it was excruciatingly painful.
The first time it happened was very similar to your situation. I had been good friends with this guy and he was a very honest, open, and emotional guy. We used to have intense conversations, hugged frequently, talked about what "love" is....etc. I eventually told him I liked him hoping that he wasn't exactly straight as he claimed, and it unfortunately tore our friendship apart and made it very awkward from that time on. Eventually it fizzled, and I have no idea where he is now.
The second time my friend happened to actually be gay, but he had no interest in a relationship with me. It was very hard to just be a friend with him and not pretend that every time we hung out we were actually going out on a date. That friendship ended on a very ill note eventually. We made our peace, but the friendship still eventually ended.
By the time I had the third encounter with liking a friend, I had learned from my mistakes. This one was VERY straight and was most definitely a doomed situation. He became one of my closest friends eventually, and we became extremely good friends. During that time it hurt a lot, but I was determined that this time I wouldn't say anything to him. Eventually I fell in love with my current partner and my crush fizzled. I am now happily in a relationship, and I am still very good friends with my friend. I am grateful in the end that I did not say anything and make it awkward between us.
I know this is a little different than the responses you have been getting, but what you really need to do is evaluate if it is worth potentially losing this friend by being honest with him. If it is indeed worth it than you owe it to yourself to say something. If the risk is too great, than maybe you shoud concentrate your efforts on looking for other potential love interests.
I hope this helps. Good luck!
2006-07-13 09:07:02 · answer #1 · answered by Bob 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is a difficult thing to deal with. I know I delt with a similar situation back when I was first coming to grips with what I probably am in that I had a huge guy-crush and I thought I was behaving oddly. He however didn't notice it and after a while I realized nothing would come of it. Then one night I just decided (I was completly sober) that I would just admit why I had been acting strangely around him. It was hard to say, I stammered heavily and just said that I had a crush on him but that it was over and I apologized for acting odd. He said for whatever reason "had that affect on people" and was fine with it. I know for me, I felt hyper and wanted to puke badly even though nothing came up from it.
From all of this, what can be said? A decision needs to be made and if it seems to be that he could be the kind of person who is understanding I would say something about it. If you're going to do so do it in a place of comfort and try not to rely on anything like booze since messages might be mixed. It's a bold move to do this and is not easy by any means. The thing to be aware is however that there could be a lot of hurt if he reacts in a negative manner and yet it's possible something could lead from it. Either way it's better to do something that to needlessly speculate because at some point only regret can come from not doing anything. Godspeed on this one, at least there's possibility and if anything you've already had some good times.
2006-07-13 15:04:41 · answer #2 · answered by tryoutcle 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your situation seems so tragic and painful. Given that men in American culture are typically quite restrained in any form of physical affection, your friend's behavior suggests that he has special feelings for you. The problem is knowing what those feelings are. He might truly love you, but only as a brother. If he does feel that way, he may feel betrayed if you suggest a more intimate relationship.
On the other hand, how can you ever find out if you do not ask? This, of course, not only exposes you to the risk of rejection, but to the outright end of your friendship. It would appear you are between the Scylla and the Charybdis...or the between a rock and a hard place.
I have been in this same situation albeit with women. I make great women friends and then, when my feelings grow, I have to decide what to do. Inevitably, if I share my feelings with them, I have been met with rejection and I have lost their friendship. If your friend has not made a clear indication of interest in more intimacy with you by now, then you should accept him as he is and let go of your desires for him. Treasure him as your best friend, but find someone else to be your love.
2006-07-13 15:34:38 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Does he know that you prefer guys is the first question. If he doesn't then you've got to be subtle. Love is a strong word too, don't use it to him, as it would be like trying to crack an egg with a sledge hammer if that makes sense. Have you considered taking him to a gay bar? If he tells you that he doesn't want to go because he's straight, you can always tell him that you didn't know that it was 'that kind of bar'. Don't come on too strong, and make sure you find the right moment. I just want to add, that long distance relationships are really tough whatever the situation.
2006-07-13 15:01:01 · answer #4 · answered by Monsieur Friendship 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First let me say, unless you ask, you will never know, unless of course he makes the first move. But as this does not seem to be the situation, you need to be up front and honest with him as well as your own feelings. Being good friends at first is a plus, makes for a much better relationship. Myself, I have been with this guy now for about 3 years, however, I have known him, and we have been friends for about 14 years. When he first approached me, I was surprised. Yes we had sort of flirted at first, but as far as I was concerned, we were just friends and I did not want to do anything to ruin that. But then, the more I thought about it, the more I thought what better way to start a relationship!! As of to date, We have been together 3 years, and are getting married June of next year. I say, hon, if you want him...........tell him!! What have you got to loose?
2006-07-13 15:08:22 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should ask him if he's gay first. Though he may wonder about you or feel slightly insulted, it's better for you to find out. And don't worry about the club thing. Cause you guys were in just that, a club. He may have not wanted people to know or think you were together. And you should tell him how you feel. If he rejects you, his loss. And just be glad you live in different countries.
2006-07-13 14:59:58 · answer #6 · answered by Ti 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He probably feels the same, but he thinks that doing anything about it is a bad idea because you two live so far away. If I were you, I'd say something, kinda hint that you'd be interested in something more. If you've known him for that long, he wouldn't react badly and I'm sure something like that wouldn't ruin your friendship.
2006-07-13 14:55:46 · answer #7 · answered by psykhaotic 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No he probably DOESN"T feel the same way - or he would not have said you shouldn't be looking at him 'that way' - but he probably does know you have feelings for him. And he obviously has feelings for you as a friend and would like to maintain the friendship.
You are welcome to tell him how you feel just don't expect he will have the same feelings - but more than likely he will be understanding and you will not loose your friendship.
2006-07-17 13:31:53 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you have not already told him you are gay, then tell him, but do not mention yet that your are infatuated with him. Tell him you are gay EARLY in your next shared time of several weeks or months. Then you can see what will develop.
If you have told him you are gay, then something would have already developed between you, if he feels attracted to you.
And if he is straight, then (sorry) you will just have to forget about any possible romance or hot times with him.
2006-07-14 00:35:10 · answer #9 · answered by fall2005buseng 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your close friendship will last forever as way things are now.
If you love him let him live his life, a life that you are in.
Someday, he might see that your love for him is real.
But, if you scare him away he may never have that chance.
2006-07-13 15:07:35 · answer #10 · answered by Christian Chaplain 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋