How do you leave your spouse when she won't accept that it's over?

Question

I have been married for almost ten years. We started dating off and on 14 years ago. I have become very unhappy over the last couple of years. Without going into the details, I told her I wanted a divorce about six months ago and again about 6 weeks ago. Both times she broke down crying and begged me to go to counseling. We have been in counseling for over a year already and I just don't want to be in the marriage anymore. I am to the point where I am ready to just move out and have an attorney contact her.

I know it sounds stupid, but I still care a lot about her and seeing her fall apart really hurts me. I can't seem to bring myself to do this because I know how much it will hurt her.

For what it's worth, there has been no abuse, cheating, etc. on either side and we have no kids..

Answer 1

Simple. you have to get tough and get your stuff and go. I went through it and the only way to make it certain is to make up your mind,,and do it. No point in staying in something that makes you miserable and wasting what should be the start of a new life. Best of luck,,,it aint easy

Answer 2

There's no gentle way to do this. If after a year in counseling you still want out of the marriage, then you need to work on getting it done.
Try to go for an amicable divorce. It will be less stressful and cheaper. I'd recommend that you see a mediator who will discuss with you all the issues that you have to resolve (division of assets, liability, retirement, etc.). The mediator will write a draft Property Settlement Agreement and if you both agree, sign it and then file a petition for divorce. The PSA will take a while to do and the process will probably drag on for a year and it'll be hard, but better than having a long drawn out fight that will only result in the lawyer getting rich at your expense.
However, I would retain a lawyer to do the filing of the paperwork and to ensure everything is done correctly. Don't let the lawyer talk you into an adversarial process. Just tell them what you're interested in.
If this is difficult while you're living under the same roof, then move out. It's probably best while she's not home or else there will be a lot of tears and drama. Leave her a kind note and explain.

Answer 3

Well it sounds as if you've tried everything..and unfortunately u wont be able to make a clean break untill u do move out.. Im not for divorce, but since you dont have any kids it does make it alittle easier.. and the fact that you have tried which is more then most men would do.. my advice to u is to tell her that you want to move out.. and get your own place.. since u do care for her greatly maybe time apart MIGHT be what the doctor ordered if the marriage has even a slight chance.. and when that chance is squashed and your happy to be out on your own, then it will be easier to totally detach from each other.. its easier to get over a broken heart when u dont have to face whats causing the broken heart every day, and she needs to heal..and right now she cant heal while seeing the man that she's loved for the last 14 years everyday .. You need to be strong for the both of you at this point and just do it.. move out of the house.. u seem like an upstanding guy that wont just leave her high and dry even when u move out as far as financially.. u seem like u'd make sure everything is in place so that she doesnt end up on the street.. but she wont ever get over it if u keep staying because shes crying... GOOD LUCK... just make sure u stay being a "MAN" and handle things right..

Answer 4

You have already done the right thing to go to counseling.

Still is not working out and you need to move on.

Breaking up is hard and there is no way of sugar coating it, I understand that you care for her but lingering around for the rest of your life being unhappy is the only consecuence when you subcummed to her tears.

She will get over it. She already know that you want to leave and that you tied to make ammends.

Avoid confrontation, pack your stuff and leave when she is not home. Get a place on your own and leave a note saying that you care for her and wanted to separate in amicable terms and that didn;t wanted to prolong this any longer. tell her that you will not answer herphonecalls and that please not to interrupt you ate work, Tell her that this is for the best and that you wish her well, taht they are not ill feelings and that you could only be friends as the romantic relationship has died along time ago,

Also, tell her than from now on all of the contact should be thoughr your attorney. For experience I am telling that if you countinue to talk to her and feel sorry for her etc. then you will prolong this even more ..do you want to do this for the rest of your life????? Cut all communication and even file for legal separation stating that contact shoudl be limited to legal stuff though the attorney.

She will cope, get over you and find a life of her own. good luck

Answer 5

the longer you put it off the worse it gets. You just have to be honest with her. Even though you have told her that you want a divorce she has not seen actions of this, so she probably thinks there's still a chance to resolve the issues. I believe that you should let her know that there is no hope of fixing your marriage and separate from her by moving out. give her time to adjust to living on her own then contact the lawyer. The also another suggestion is to limit the amount of time spent with her, other wise there maybe some communication which could lead to more problems. Good luck, with your dilemma.

Answer 6

Obviously died! If your spouse leaves you for someone else, its probably for the best. They do not love you in a way you deserve, and believe me, will find some day with someone else. Its sad, its hard when someone leaves you, especially at first, but it is always for the best. If you really do love them, then let them go. You want them to be happy and you won't be happy with someone who isn't in to your relationship 100%. If they died, they are gone forever. If you believe that is better, you are the most selfish person in the world. Thats the same ideals as, if you aren't with me, you can't be with anyone else... scary possessive! If you really loved them, you want them to be happy, with you, or someone else. Move on and after you find happiness with someone else, you will know that I'm right!!!!!

Answer 7

This sure is a predicament but in reality, there is no way to leave and not hurt her.

There must be a reason why you are no longer happy. Once you know why you need to sit her down and explain why. Especially where she can see no reason, it must be difficult for her to understand, she seems satisfied by your marriage.

If you have already decided that the only thing to do is disolve the marriage gently but firmly let her know that it is over. Explore the options with her- honesty and remaining civil or it will eventually become frustrating for you and this could actually end horribly.

Explain that you are trying to avoid worse hurt in the long run. This is never easy so be gentle.

You can also try printing these answers and let her know that you are at your wits end and need her to understand. Let her know that you need her help to end this amicably.

Answer 8

I completely understand your situation, as I have been in the same one for a while. I have gone through the discussions, the attempts, the work... trying to improve the relationship.

I have also asked for a divorce, and my husband breaks down. It is so difficult to see him that way, and how he explains that he cannot live without me, that I just cannot leave. The love we have, and the obstacles we have overcome all seem worth trying again when I see him this upset. I do realize, however, that things will not change - but possibly get worse.. as they typically do.

As advice, I'm not a really wonderful one to speak through experience.... although I know what I would like to do.

I would like to establish with him that I am leaving, and simply go through with my plans for once. I would like to have the strength to overcome my tendency to break down and give in. I would like to be realistic.. instead of wondering how things could be.

Seeing someone you have spent the majority of your life with -- breaking down, pleading for you to stay, to work on things.. to give them "one more chance".. is probably one of the most difficult situations you can be in, (in a relationship).

I simply hope you can have the strength that others do not. I would do whatever it takes to improve both of your lives, and it sounds like separation is the only way of doing so.. whether it be a trial separation before making the decision, or a divorce.

I truly wish you the best, and hope you are able to stay strong.

Answer 9

Man if u have no problems with her it is a pity to destroy a marriage that lasted so long before a divorce maybe...the love u felt for her or she felt for u or both fade away try to bring that love back and if that doesn't work I don't know explain to her that this relationship is going nowhere and it must end .

Answer 10

Maybe counseling isn't the answer. Try getting God in the midst of this thing. He can make it knew and better than it's ever been. Trust me I've just come out of a similiar situation. He can work miracles just put your trust in him.

Answer 11

If you truly cared "a lot about her and seeing her fall apart really hurts me. I can't seem to bring myself to do this because I know how much it will hurt her" it tells me you really don't want this. You are just too lazy to actually put forth the effort to fix the marriage. You obviously don't want to follow your vows which I am pretty sure included "Until death do us part". If you want to be a good husband, you'll go to counseling and actually try to make it work.