We have worked out our differences and have been discussing dates for getting married. But we are in our 30's and don't really want to scare him but would like to have a child before I turn 40. He has a child but the child was taken away by her mother and he doesn't get to see her and don't know how he would take it about having a child. So I want a suddle way to bring the subject up. Any suggestions?
2006-07-13 04:41:11 · 10 answers · asked by tasgilla 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You do not have to be subtle with men, and the longer you put this off the worse it will be. In fact, if you are too subtle, he will miss it or think you are trying to manipulate him. I have seen friends destroyed by this question because they didn't work it out before marriage.
Consider this - if a baby is unacceptable to him, you guys could go through years of awkward marriage before you discover this, and it may be too late for you when you figure it out.
Try this - and it's important to just speak calmly and matter of factly. "Honey, I want to have a baby before I'm 40. That gives us "X" years. Do you see that working out with your plans for us?"
2006-07-13 04:48:02 · answer #1 · answered by Steve W 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yeah. Don't be subtle. He is a man. I'm not sure you understand what that implies. Men are different than women. We don't like subtle. Nor do we like manipulation of attempts to steer us in a certain direction without our knowing it.
Instead, just start talking with him about it. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you want children. Also, tell him that it is a biological fact that you don't have long before you can't have children anymore. Realistically, you are going to have to have your children the same year you get married. Your fertility drops off between age 30 and 35. Between age 35 to 40, it drops close to zero. If you want children, you better get to it by age 35, I tell you what. Having children is important. And it is the man's responsibility to approach the issue in a logical way that makes everything turn out right. That means, part of being a man, is addressing your desire to have a baby and negotiating a workable compromise. In order to do that, you need to bring the issue up and insist on a firm plan for this. Because of your age, there is little room for waiting or planning. You either want children or you don't. If you do, you need to do it now. If you don't do it now, you've basically chosen not to do it at all. He will understand this if he is a normal man and seek to make this part of your life work. But, he can't solve the problem, unless you deal honestly with him and put all the cards on the table.
2006-07-13 11:51:40 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are contemplating spending the rest of your life with this man. You absolutely NEED to discuss this with him, don't you think? This is your life too, and your feelings count. If you think it will scare him off to know your feelings, you might want to reconsider marriage. You are not kids anymore so both of you should be able to talk about and respect each others feelings about all aspects of your future life together. It's the couples that avoid discussing these issues before marriage that end up in divorce courts. I don't think anyone has that goal in mind when they marry, but that is what happens if you don't agree on important things and at least are willing to discuss them rationally and with love.
I don't' know about being subtle...just make certain that the timing is good. Try approaching him when he isn't preoccupied watching a game or something, exhausted from work, inebriated or high on something, and that you won't (hopefully) be interrupted. You might want to shut the phone off. Then just casually mention that you've been thinking about something you feel pretty strongly about and would like to know what his feelings are. If he blows up and won't consider your feelings, I think the writing on the wall is pretty clear. The next move is up to you. Don't think you can change him. Too many women have tried and found this is to be incorrect thinking too late.
Good luck.
As far as the age pressure, you can quite safely have babies into your early 40's. The risks of problems during your pregnancy and potential for down's syndrome increases somewhat after 35, but it isn't absolute. There are tests that can be performed to determine the likelyhood of this. You would be considered a "high risk" pregnancy after 35 and monitored a little more closely by your care provider. Please don't feel too rushed. A stable home environment to raise a baby in is at least as important as Mom's age and the 9 months prior to it's arrival.
2006-07-13 11:59:33 · answer #3 · answered by nighthawk 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are thinking of marrying this man, there should be nothing you can't discuss with him. What if you became pregnant accidentally? Would he leave you? If he wanted to see his child, the mother could not prevent him because he could get a court order. Does he support that child? It seems to me that there were many questions you needed to ask before you got engaged.
2006-07-13 11:46:53 · answer #4 · answered by notyou311 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dear, if you have to ask strangers on the Internet for their opinions, then perhaps you need to work out more issues with your fiance. Marriage should be first, then baby. Not the other way around. Discuss this with him and see how he feels. If he's adamant about not having children, then you need to reevaluate your relationship with him. Only you can decide on where you want to go from there. I suggest premarital counseling. Good luck, dear.
2006-07-13 11:46:13 · answer #5 · answered by sacredmud 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you shouldn't be marrying him if you can't feel free to discuss it with him. In a good relationship, you should be able to feel like you can discuss everything with your spouse....and having kids is a MAJOR thing in life, not whether or not to buy milk and should definately be discussed before marriage. If he doesn't want kids and you do, maybe you're just not meant to be together.
2006-07-13 12:33:03 · answer #6 · answered by bluez 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
why be suddle? This is your life as well. How can you marry and NOT discuss children. Talk to him about it tonite.
2006-07-13 11:44:27 · answer #7 · answered by Mean Carleen 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i love kids, i wana have them after marriage.
and marriage is quite encourged in islam its like a halal way (lawful way)of having a boyfriend or girlfriend but its way better.
but i dont get why some ppl wait so long to have kids these days, and its not fair on the women she like to have kids and the man doesnt that kinda bad.
anways have a chat with him
peace
http://www.islamalways.com
2006-07-13 11:44:55 · answer #8 · answered by sabrina 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ask him if he would be able to raise a child at this point of time with u.
2006-07-13 11:44:58 · answer #9 · answered by dagirl10149 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sit him down and talk to im about it you never know he might want the same thing
2006-07-13 12:05:11 · answer #10 · answered by toria 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋