this one is not totally done but yeah
First one......
your eyes are like deep dark oceans of pain. your smile makes me want to kiss u in the pouring rain. when i hear ur voice it brightens up my day. when i see ur face all of space seems to be erace. when you reached out for help i was always there. you cought me as i was falling right before i hit the ground, and then you brought me back up.
Second poem.....
my love, we disturbed the peace. our hearts burn in the flames. our hell awaits for us to be dead and oh so gone. our lives fade away. death kills over. we fall into a slient sleep. when we're heart broke in our coffins i'll wait for you, my love, we'll be dead and together, forever.
2006-07-12 18:42:17 · 8 answers · asked by vampire666 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
Honestly, they could use some work.
There's really no structured rhyme scheme or meter to speak of, so the poems rely soley on the content, which isnt too profound. Much of the stuff in these poems is pretty typical. It might be interesting to try using some figurative language to convey your message (but nothing TOO out there).
I do however like the line "we disturbed the peace". It sounds pretty catchy and has like a double meaning (like that figurative language i'm talking about).
Another thing you might want to be careful is is throwing in rhymes randomly without a pattern. Some poets can pull it off, but usually it just doesnt sound very good.
This is all intended to be constructive criticism, so don't take it the wrong way. The more you practice poetry, the more naturally it will come to you.
2006-07-12 18:57:45 · answer #1 · answered by Steven B 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your not bad you have some potential
you should experiment with spacing word usage and synonyms.
also work on spelling
I definetly think that if you love poetry you should keep it up, but like any other art form you should have some very good influences. read lotsa poetry, find a style that apeals to you or lotsa diferent styles than find the others you like best amongst those styles read their woorks find out what they do that you like and see how you writing develops.
2006-07-13 01:52:58 · answer #2 · answered by tygerphlyer 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the 1st i find two issues with:
-y do u want to kiss specifically in the rain?
-the second sentance first discussed u helping him, and then him helping u without any break. its odd
its decent though, even though those two things make u seem a bit desparate for rhyme
i just dont like the second its like a bad attempt a a cliche
2006-07-13 01:50:59 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
well, quite ok,, good start, but kinda messed up at the end, try not to make rhymes too fancy,. just say what you feel,, you're kinda suicidal.. hmm..
2006-07-13 02:35:25 · answer #4 · answered by raca 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Uh...the first one sucked.
Uh...and the second one really sucked.
( just some contructive critisism )
2006-07-13 01:53:02 · answer #5 · answered by CraZyCaT 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oyee cool!!
2006-07-13 01:48:25 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I thought taking LSD was illegal so why do you still do it?
2006-07-13 01:46:09 · answer #7 · answered by ? 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
They are ok except for some misspelling. Thanks for the good reading..
2006-07-13 01:47:09 · answer #8 · answered by Art The Wise 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋