how do you get your man to get over the bitterness with an ex?

Question

he had a really bad marriage and 15 years later, he is still really bitter towards the ex. she cheated and she did this and that. when we got together, he had a lot of issues about his ex. we have been together for years and he knows that im not his ex, but i still get treated like crap because the ex did this and that.

Answer 1

He needs to see a therapist to deal with the unresolved issues.

Answer 2

Well, YOU can't do anything to get your man over his bitterness...that's something he has to do. He had a bad marriage that ended 15 years ago. He is still living in that pain. Why is he holding onto it? His ex is obviously not going to make it up to him. Nor can she ever.

I've seen a lot of betrayed spouses who don't move on. It seems like all they have left of the relationship is the hurt feelings. And that to them is better than having nothing left. Weird, huh? But they get to stay the victim, not really considering that they may have anything to do with the downfall of the marriage or that signs were there, but just ignored.

If he was the one left behind, he may not ever get over it. Abandonment issues are big ones to work through. He's trying to work out his issues, but with you instead of her.

But let's talk about you. Why are you staying with a man who treats you like crap? Does his cheating ex in his past history give him the right to treat you badly?

Answer 3

He's still in love with her, or rather what he thought she was, and is still angry that she can't be and didn't turn out to be what he wanted....and he is treating you the same way for the same reasons. He needs more help than you can give him---he needs some serious therapy to work thru those issues. You can't GET him to get over anything...he has to decide when he has been uncomfortable enough for long enough to seek some help. And therapists are really good at helping people sort out issues. 15 years is a looooooooong time to stay bitter, and a good chunk out of some one's life (yours) waiting around hoping the guy will "come to" .... Your patience is admirable, but...... Everyone has baggage -- it is that some just carry it better. Obviously in your eyes, he isn't even close to carrying it well, nor treating you well. In your place, most women would have long ago said, "get help, get a grip, or I am getting out..." Next question is why are you still there???

Answer 4

I know the same thing my fiance had a big problem getting over his ex after they were together for a few years. She hurt him badly. I could not take competing with her anymore. She would call and because he is such a nice guy he would help her out whether it was money or needing this or that. Well finally i had enough if our relationship was going to survive i had to say something. So I told him one day while we were driving that it was only making life worse by staying in the past. Yes it happened and even though it was bad it was a lesson learned and now i was there. Me not her and he had no right to compare. After all i am not to blame for a failed relationship. So i basically took every inch of strength and though i loved him and i wanted so badly for the relationship to work. I said "if you wanna live in the past, fine, but dont hold me back" if you dont want me as much as i want you ok thats hard but i will eventually move. The real problem is you cant."

He looked at me in udder shock. But it worked we did do some counseling not much but some. And i cant tell you how wonderful it is to now know he is fully committed to me.

I hope that my experience will help you out. Love is a hard thing to get over but you cant change the past you can only make a better future.

~Meg

Answer 5

Read your words over and over until it dawns on you how wrong this really is, "but i still get treated like crap because the ex did this and that."

15 years, and he's still not over it and you are suffering because of it? Honey, he isn't right upstairs. Do you know for a fact that the ex really did this or that?
Though its really beside the point.
The point is, YOU are being treated badly because he still lives in the past. Do yourself a favor capitalize your "i" and start respecting yourself and you'll see the truth.

Answer 6

Miss Meg is completely right on.

I doubt he really treats you like crap. If so, you wouldn't have been with him so long, right? You sound like you are upset and frustrated. Does he make negative comments about women in general?...is that one of the things that bothers you? When certain situations come up that upset him with you...is that when he makes comments you know come from the pain his exwife caused him? Am I on the right track? I can only imagine how frustrating and painful that must be.

Don't listen to these people that just say to kick him to the curb, that he is still in love with his exwife or he is somehow less of a man because what she did still bothers him. You love him, and you know that isn't the answer. Like I said above, the Miss Meg post is the way to handle it.

I am a dude that got dealt with just like your man. It hasn't been as long for me, but I find myself making generalized negative comments about women that surely are hurtful. The strange thing is I loved my dads mom more than anything. I have a wonderful mom and other grandma as well. I have many female friends that are great girls. I find myself talking to them, alot, about how miserable women are. The thing is...I forget that it could even bother them, because they are nothing like the kind of girls I am talking about. What I am getting at is that I respect women, but still it is hard.

It has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with his feelings towards his exwife either. It has everything to do with a horrible, life changing experience that he went through. Trust me, it has everything to do with the actions not with the person who caused them. They say that, for a man, having a wife cheat and leave causes a pain that only compares to the loss of a child. If you read expert accounts, divorce, loss of love, affects a man much more deeply than it does a woman. A man is amazingly more likely to commit suicide, turn to booze and drugs, lose his job, etc. following a wife's infidelity and leaving.

I write all that to get to this. Do what Meg wrote. Shake him up. Let him know that you don't want to hear it anymore. Tell him to take it somewhere else when he feels the need to bad mouth women. Also, I write this so you know why/where he is coming from. Forgive him! He knows not what he does. Put him in check; tell him how you feel. When and if he falls of the "wagon" do it again!

It is too bad that miserable women like his exwife have to put scares on good men like your man.

I wish you the best!

Answer 7

I've lost count of the number of times I've been left heartbroken since then, countless nights of sharing my tears with the pillow. The older i grow, the more vulnerable i've become. But life is not without its healing touch, in the laughter of loved ones, the kind words of a friend and the beauty of music. I do know that the heart can swell although its aching and still be whole even if it's broken.

Answer 8

Sounds like he's still got grief/feelings towards his ex. Sounds like he needs to confront his problems with her again or let it go already. Usually when people are treated like crap by other people, their relationships are affected thereafter to where they create drama because that's all previous people have given them. Sounds like you should also consider taking a break so he can get stuff sorted out.

Answer 9

i think that no matter what ur husband should never treat u bad...don't let him do it!...talk to him and let him know how u feel, i had a guy just like that n he couldn't get over that relationship, he was just making me feel like crap as if I was responsible for his past...men like that need professional help because they just belive that all girls are the same, that's why im telling u don't have to pay for his ex's mistakes.

Answer 10

You all need counseling. This guy may be divorced for a reason. Maybe he was nasty to the ex because she reminded him of the wicked step mother.?? Tell him you want him to go with you for help in getting on with his life.!!