I am preparing to leave my husband of 8(together 12) years who is verbally and emitionally abusive. He's a dr. jekyll/mr's hyde type. We have 2 children under 6 years old and he does this in front of them. Everyone else in his life thinks he's a great guy. my main problem is I don't understand why I still love him. I keep feeling like I'm going to have it harder than he is and he'll be happy and free. Please help! Anyone who knows, how is life after death? I feel like I've already died so much inside. His family doesn't want him to be with me and can't wait I'm sure until we "go our seperate ways" as his father would say. his father and brother has cursed me out and he sides wiht them. dDidn't take up for me at all. Said that hw sees why they don't like me because he doesn't like me either. Also, he hopes he finds another woman soon because anyone is better than me. He say that I am a worthless, stupid, freeloading, fat, sack of **** ***** and that he hopes that diabetes takes me out
2006-07-12 15:56:10 · 19 answers · asked by Veronique 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
The reason its so hard to leave is this.......you have been with this man for 12 years and in those 12 years put up with is abuse to you both verbally and emotionally........so its sort of like like a habit....once you get into it and put up with for so long its hard to break away from.
He has taken away your self esteem and broken you down and you see yourself as worthless and hopeless, but let me tell you something.......You are worth more than you realize honey. Those 2 kids of yours love you and not only for your sake but theirs you must take them and leave this situation. You deserve so much more than to be hurt all the time and made to feel bad about yourself and the kids deserve better too.......i mean if he does this to you who is to say he wont start in on the children.
YOU are NOT worthless, stupid or anything else he said......he thrives on the control he has right now and knows if he can beat you down far enough you might not have the strength to leave him.......he is nothing more than a coward and he doesnt deserve you at all.
Ive been in a similiar situation but I wasnt married he was my boyfriend..... Praise God that I got out before we did marry or something. He verbally and emotionally abused me infront of his family......it hurt something terrible and at the end of our two year relationship it got to the point where he basically didnt want alot to do with him and I was crying all the time and finally I had enough and walked away from him, the abuse and the relationship and im telling you its the best thing I have ever done for myself......I got my self esteem back, my self worth, my self respect and im very happy Praise God!
God loves you and values you so much....it tells us in the bible that we are worth more to him than any amount of silver, gold, jewels .........we are his treasure and He doesnt want you to be hurt all the time and to be made to cry........you are doing the right thing by leaving him and taking the kids...... its not going to be easy but in the long run you will gain so much more than you can possibly realize.
Good luck to you and God bless you and be with you......I will say a prayer for you and your children.
2006-07-12 16:27:15 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 9⤊ 0⤋
It's hard for the same reason kids will love their parents, no matter how abusive they are.
From the sound of it, it's high time you're getting out of it. There are sections full of literature as to why women won't leave abusive relationships. The short version is that it's sort of like a vicious cycle. Things go from good to bad to good to bad and "on average" you're not really really bad off, but you're not happy either. It's never so bad that you leave. Women many times suffer from low self-esteem, thinking they can never manage financially on their own, sometimes they stay because they think they'll never find another partner, some feel they have no identity outside their marriage, etc etc. Most of these things really exist in only in their imagination and are aggravated by abusive husbands telling them they're stupid, fat, uneducated, and so forth until they believe it. Some women believe that they don't get to see their kids anymore, esp if the husband threatens them by taking the kids away. All nonsense... but again, if there's no self-esteem or sense of self-worth there, then all good advice is lost and the women stay.
Seems you've moved on past that point. It's difficult to be in a marriage if the entire family is against you. That's another big factor actually that few people think about. If you marry, you marry the family. The marriage of a friend was ruined after 10 years of constant nagging by the family.
You'll probably be miserable for a short while, thinking about how you love him, but guess what... it's not reciprocated and you're doing the right thing. You will be fine. Find some strength within you to create a new life and never be afraid to try new things and meet new people. Things can be great and you're in control :-) Best of luck.
2006-07-12 16:11:51 · answer #2 · answered by scubalady01 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, you love him because he is the father of your children. You have been with him for 12 years and I'm sure there was a time that he wasn't like this. So you want him to be the man that you fell in love with. I was mentally abused by my son's father. Everyday he was saying the same things--you'll never amount to anything, you're a peon, worthless...i heard it all. I actually ended up pulling a knife on him (didn't hurt and had no intentions of hurting) but he mentally abused me so much that he just got me to that snapping point. That was when I KNEW I had to go. I just up and left one day while he was at work. Never to look back again. You can do it. It takes alot of courage, but it can be done. I am very happy with my current man. He treats me with the ultimate respect and my children love him. There is someone out there for you. And don't listen to that first guy who said you are just like him! You're not. As for the family, get out of that relationship and prove everyone wrong. Make it a point to have a better life for you and your kids. You all deserve it. Screw what him and his family say. They are the ones with the mental issues!
2006-07-12 16:17:24 · answer #3 · answered by QDPie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some ladies suppose insufficient if they're on my own. You'll be one in all them. If you end up placing onto a character that makes your life worse than what it was whilst you have been by myself(if you happen to ever are alone), then you will have the challenge with yourself- not anybody guy. This is the recipe for achievement- Be glad with your self and you'll attract other like minded folks. If you're miserable being on my own, then you're going to appeal to different depressing humans. Like personalities appeal to like personalities. In the event you doubt this, walk into any Walmart and watch the couples there. Why is it rough to become independent from? When you consider that you haven't transformed. You're combating your self, not him. Interior battle is probably the most intricate approach to head through. Be the individual that you want to draw, and you're going to now not latch onto abuse. Until you yourself are a self-absorbed abusive jerkoff, that is. Just right success. Do not die.
2016-08-09 00:40:04 · answer #4 · answered by thieme 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Been there, done that"! My husband also raped me. He was an alcoholic and (found out after we married) a druggie, too. These men "control" you and appear (to outsiders) to be so wonderful.
It IS very hard to leave. I still loved my husband. But I knew inside, that this was best. After 3.5 years of trying to get him to go to counseling, I gave up. He said "I" was one the one with the problem! When I made my decision to leave, I stated to him, "You're right, I'm the one with the problem - YOU are it and I want a divorce!
When it was over, I was a worthless, fat, good-for-nothing person b/c he drilled that into me.
Messy and financially destroyed a few months later, I AM a survivor and have never been happier.
You need to go to counseling (I went to a Psychologist AND my religious outlet. Your children WILL be better off, believe me b/c they are seeing/hearing all this going on and they could turn out like him! Of course, I know now that I AM worth something, am a good person and never deserved that sort of treatment.
Get involved in groups, like the local Jaycees, a divorce support group and your children's school or sporting events. This will help you become more social, realize your self-worth AND you never know - you just might meet an incredible man who WILL respect/love you!!!!!
You WILL be "okay", I promise. If you want to talk, contact me! There's a lot more to chat about!
GOOD LUCK!!!!!
2006-07-12 16:10:33 · answer #5 · answered by penwrite5 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ok hello, First off yes its time for you to step up and learn how to live a inner peace of freedom.. When you walk around daily with heavy stones on your shoulders and feet. Its time for you to lift the stronghold this man has caused in your mind... You have to be tired of being tired to be able to be free without looking about.. Its a big world out there waiting on you to just take a piece.
He might have loved you but he doesn't love you like a man should love a woman because you would not be sitting here reading this.
No one can keep you in a cage unless that is how you want you life to be.. Hold your head up we all make mistakes, its not the end of the world, its nothing wrong with starting over. You have to know your somebody and you have to know if you can get one day of peace the next day will follow behind that you have to keep praying for strenght so you have continue to strive upward.
Never look back, he will be alright sometimes people use words to keep a person where they want them.. Once you pick and and do you he'll be calling you telling you how sorry he is.. YOU have to be a woman and for once take a stand in what you want in life.. Your walk is not going to be easy! You might cry everyday but the sunshine will come one day.. This is a storm that you have to walk threw.. Find a support group that will give you strenght you will needed it and always keep praying for strenght and shelter in your time of struggle
2006-07-12 16:12:00 · answer #6 · answered by M M 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You really need to get out of there for the kids and your sake. You may be in love with him but remember this killing you inside . Its not gonna be easy at first but have faith in yourself. Dont listen to him when he is cutting you down. You need a positive attitude. You can do better than him. Just get you and your kids stuff and go to a shelter they can help you also. No women should Ever have to take any abuse either verbally or emotionally . Dont worry about his parents or anyone else in what they have to say its none of there business its between you and your husband. I wish you best of the luck.
2006-07-12 16:36:29 · answer #7 · answered by ice 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
From what you have said on here, is reason enough for me to leave and feel good about doing it. If for no other reason, do it for yourself, get your self respect back, and get a normal life that you deserve to have. You deserve to be happy, dont stay there and take that kind of abuse, the first step is the hardest, but the second & third is a piece of cake!
There really IS life outside of an abusive situation, there is also help out there too, as I think others have mentioned in here, you have our support. You owe it to you and your children.
Just do it!
2006-07-12 16:03:26 · answer #8 · answered by Humor me.. 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let me tell you something. Pray long and hard and ask God to forgive him for all the wrong and pain he has caused you. And ask God to show you the way because those children don't need to see that at all. And the bible says when you marry you live your family behind and gain another one. You are his Wife and nothing or no one should be coming between that. Take your children and go. Life is too short. And I want you to know that I will be praying for you and your family..... and I want you to do the same. God Bless.
2006-07-12 16:16:07 · answer #9 · answered by KeKe 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its difficult to leave because you cant see your self as an independent person. Build up your self esteem (he has been shattering it down abusively), and you''ll be able to let go.
It will hurt of course... it always does as this is a man you were committed to, sacrified your life for and trusted your life with. It HURTS. No one can tell you what to do. You have to make the choice you can live with.
But looking at things, you must get your act right and build yourself up to expect a time when he shuffs you off...
God Bless you for your patience, and may he guide you through these difficult times.
2006-07-12 16:34:56 · answer #10 · answered by Sheila 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋