we've had sex 5 times in the last 9 months...she wants to try, but i feel like its strange to have her work on "liking me again"....what should i do?
2006-07-12 15:11:32 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
we have no kids, and i dont think she cheated on me. im just concerned about trying to "make" someone have feelinds for me....that should be automatic in a relationship, right? thanks for the advice!
2006-07-12 15:22:38 · update #1
get help
2006-07-12 15:14:30 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Ouch.. that has to hurt.. being married to someone of whom you know has no (few) feelings for you or lost their feelings for you.
I believe your situation is far more common than meets the eye, except that most people won't come straight out and say it.
What you should do depends on whether or not you're willing to live / share your life with someone that doesn't love you. My personal feeling on this is that it must be very unfulfilling. It further begs the question what the point of the marriage is, if you're the only one doing the "loving". I also think that she's not inclined to have children with a man she doesn't love... and I suspect your sex life won't be much better in the future. Apparently this didn't just occur to her yesterday if you've had sex 5 times in 9 months.
You might want to find out why she's lost her feelings for you. Maybe it's something that's fixable. If it is, it'll take time. Feelings aren't something that's just switched on and off. If you find, after a reasonable amount of time and some help, she's not genuine, then consider going your separate ways. Otherwise you'll both end up miserable.
2006-07-12 15:47:12 · answer #2 · answered by scubalady01 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Definitely go to counseling! I know you are probably sick of hearing that. My husband and I went through the I'm not sure what I want thing, but I still want to try. We went through it about 2 years into the marriage also. Anyway, my husband was extremely stubborn, and refused to go to counseling. Eventually things went from bad to worse. He finally agreed, when we were almost done. It was the best thing we ever did for our relationship. Just a couple sessions can do the trick. It's like a wake up call.
I think every couple goes through a time like this in their marriage. Some are just too quick to give up! Then later in life they secretly regret it. We tend to look for the perfect fairytale marriage, and the minute things start to go wrong we throw it all away.
I'm telling you, it takes work to get to the part in your marriage where you can just relax and be happy. First you both need to realize that it takes 100 percent dedication from both partners to being their for each other. You have to learn what makes each other happy, and you both have different needs. Just keep in mind once you get through this, it will only make the relationship stronger. Sometimes there needs to be an outside opinion to make you see. Best wishes to ya...:)
2006-07-12 15:38:50 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well,if you love her,then maybe you oughta try and get counseling.However,I agree that you shouldn't have to try and make someone love you.But that may just be her way of trying to tell you or explain how she feels.It might not be the real reason or maybe she thinks she feels this way,but it is something else.Bottom line...Do you love her?Do you want to make it work?If yes,then give it a try.Set up an appt with a counselor or check with your local"District 19"services to see if they can direct you where you might be able to get marriage counseling at a discount rate,if money is an issue.If you feel strongly about the love issue,then go ahead and file for seperation.Maybe the distance will make the love and hearts grow fonder.Good luck!!
2006-07-12 15:33:10 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The first couple of years are the hardest in a marriage. You have to give her props for at least attempting to salvage the marriage. She may be having "buyer's remorse" after getting married. Give her time especially if you still love her. Do any and everything you can to salvage the relationship. If you've done everything you can do, and she still wants to walk, then let her walk. Don't try to stop her. Hold your head up high knowing you've done all you can do.
"You never miss the water until the well runs dry"
2006-07-12 17:23:52 · answer #5 · answered by Dee M 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well have you stoped to check you havent turned into a big slob and stoped working for her attention and love ?
Just because you got the girl dosent mean game over ..
you still have to smell good everyday , have good hygene , pretend like you enjoy helping her do the laundry or hate the laundry with her. (like you would have if you were just dating).
Dont ignore her , help her out around the house (do your part ) do some of the things you did when you were dateing , not to say you dont do these things , just be sure you are doing most the things and acting most the way you were when you were dating .
2006-07-12 15:31:15 · answer #6 · answered by insertstrawhere 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Lot's of things are strange, don't let that be a reason to not work on your marriage! If you still want the marriage you have to try. Don't think if it as she has "lost" her feelings. Think of it as she has misplaced them and is looking for them again. This is not that unusual and many, many marriages survive a downturn. Get professional counseling for some guidance and an impartial third party.
2006-07-12 15:17:55 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Agree with to try for certain period of time and that both of have to make a final decision on where you want to be going with this marriage. If she still can't get herself to have feelings for you after that time then bye in good terms makes sense specially if there are no kids. Don't push her to have feelings for you as you said this should be natural but she might be confused now
2006-07-12 16:32:52 · answer #8 · answered by hotdesersand 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dude, I am so sorry. I bet the thought of not loving her, even at her worst moments, hasn't even crossed your mind, huh? It's just so hard to understand, huh? It's just so hard to ask yourself what kind of miserable person am I that my own wife doesn't even love me anymore, right? Well, don't fall in to that trap! It's natural to think that way, but it is faulty line of thought. She fell in love with you for you. If you are like 99.99% of dudes, you haven't changed a bit so don't beat yourself up over this.
There is an old saying that goes, "TRY to put your hands on your head,"...meaning the word "try" is an excuse for failure; a defense mechanism, if you will, for someone that cannot live up to his or her commitment.
I'm not here to judge, but 5 times in 9 months is certainly a questionable number, especially for newlyweds. There is certainly something to that. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she is cheating because of that, but it certainly doesn't sound healthy.
I agree with you dude. I think it is strange to have to try and get your wife to like you again. Furthermore, now that she has done this, say you all work it out or whatever, are you going to ever be able to fully take your mind off of the fact that she might pull this again? I don't know if yall want kids or not, but if you do, are you going to be able to trust this girl enough to have kids with her and not wonder when she is going to pull this stunt and walk out with your kids? Are you going to be able to trust that she is not going to take you for half of your retirement, so ridiculous amount of child support that she wont spend on your kids, half of everything you have worked hard for, etc.? Certainly, it should not be about money, and it is not, but it is about trust, right? Can you trust this woman now? It's like you knew this girl better than anyone in the world, and with those simple words...its like you really don't know her that well at all, right? I'm so sorry dude!
Like I said before, I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that your wife is cheating, but check out the website www.womensinfidelity.com. It is not all about cheating. It's about women that do things exactly what your wife has done. It is horribly more common than any of us thought. Read the posts from the book and some of the forum posts. It has brought some clarity to many a man.
Are you all still living together? Have you all shared this with your families? Your friends?
As far as what you should do, that is the toughest question in the world. You are basically darned if you do and darned if you don't. If you totally bow down to her, kiss the ground she walks on, etc., it could either drive her away further or it could convince her to stay, but would she be staying for real reasons? I mean, that is not reality. You could do nothing; You could call her bluff, etc. Who knows?
Whatever you do, you gotta ask yourself if you are ever going to be able to fully trust her again, feel the same connection you had before, not beat yourself up over this, not beat her up, mentally, over the hurt she has caused you, etc.. If you can't fully forgive and, more or less, forget this situation, and you know if you are the type of person that can...then you have a tough decision to make.
Seriously, what kind of motivation did your wife have to say something so hurtful to you? If she really feels that way, isn't cheating, doesn't have some alterior motive, then fine. It is what it is. It just goes to show you that she only cares about 1 person, herself. She wasn't mature enough to understand the commitment of marriage. She probably jammed her parents up for a bunch of money on a wedding, etc. However, as bad as it hurts right now and will for a long time, better to find out now, before kids were involved. Seriously, after 2 years of marriage, she has already lost her feelings, crazy!
I wish you the best.
Stay Up Playa!
2006-07-12 16:03:40 · answer #9 · answered by Cing 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have 2 choices......you can want to keep the marriage together and give 100% to try to work out the problems.....or take a hike!
2006-07-12 15:17:33 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
dont even waste your time on her buddy..you deserve someone who loves you unconditionaly..not someone who is going to try and love you...whatever! the next time she wants a lil sex...stop right there...let her know you are better than that...apparantly she just wants you when its convenient for her. I wish you the best of luck with this...there are good woman out there.
2006-07-12 15:21:46 · answer #11 · answered by bobolcios 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋