Am I right, not to ask yet?

Question

My girlfriend of 4 years is bitching because I havent asked her to be my wife. I am 21 about to be 22 and she is 19. I am going to get my BA in Dec. and I just started my career as a project manager. I don't think we are financially ready for marrage that. She hasn't started college yet and works for minimum wage. We don't even make enough to rent in Orange County, CA yet she doesnt want to move. She says I've made her wait too long and she doesnt want to wait anymore. She says money doesnt matter and that she look for a better job ONLY if I ask her to marry me. I want to be able to support her and if we have a family and besides most marrages dont last because of financial issues. So am I wrong to not want to get married yet. Its not that I still want to go partying or anything like that its just the money issue.

Also I dont want even ask anymore because its like I'm only doing it because she asked and through a fit. I dont want my marriage to start off like that.

Answer 1

I think you should get on with your life with out her. If you think she is bitching now, just get married and then you will see bitching.

Answer 2

Well, no one is ever truly financialy set to be married. I got married at 20 and my husband was 21, I worked for a min. wage job at at the time. Now (2 years later) I work for a successful company and last year we bought a large 4 bedroom house and life is great. So you can see it both ways. I think it is wrong for her to bribe you into marriage or pressure you. The question is not money, the question is are you READY for marriage and will you be happy with her for the rest of your lives??? Having two working people in a household should be enough to suffice the bills, but what happens if you get married and she never comes through on her deal to get a better job. Plus, the partying does not have to stop due to marriage. I know I keep going back and forth on the issue, but marriage is a big comittment and should not be rushed. With her being 19 she still has alot to learn and grow. Think about every option I have just said and I think the answer will come to you.

Answer 3

Let me first state that I really admire your determination to be financially secure before getting married & taking on the responsibility. Too many people rush into marriage at a young age & do not seem to know what they are getting themselves into.
In most cases, I would agree that you should have proposed by now. After four years, you would either know if you want to be with that person or not. Yes, you could have a long engagement, but in some cases people only get engaged to string someone along, which I think is wrong.
In your case however, because of your ages it may be best to wait. From what you wrote, she also seems to be a bit emotional immature. If she is going away to college, it could change the relationship drastically. You could grow apart, &/or change your feelings for each other.

Answer 4

You are NOT wrong.

You have a good enough head on your young shoulders to "see" the future; and you want to get the finances in order first; and as an older woman, I can tell you ....that's the way it SHOULD be.

Most young people these days think just "for the moment"; and not for later on down the road / or of the consequences

DON'T let her hold YOU hostage by what she said ( I'll get a better job AFTER we get engaged ) That just shows she isn't MATURE enough emotionally to even think of marriage and commitment !

I really think that when you are just getting out in the world; you need to 'move on' where this girl is concerned. You've been dating her since she was only 15.... She still has ALOT of growing up to do....and you have way too much on the ball...and going in the RIGHT direction to be held back by her immature thinking.

She says Money doesn't matter... Well, all ADULTS know that money most CERTAINLY DOES MATTER ! That's your clue right there. Two can NOT live as cheaply as one.
And that doesn't even take into consideration ---kids when you least expect them.

GOOD LUCK on your future !

Answer 5

Personally, I think you may both be too young to get married. If you feel that you are not ready to take that step, then no amount of prodding by your girlfriend should push you there. It's important that your decision to commit to her be made freely, on your terms when you are ready. Despite what I've said, your girlfriend is looking for some commitment from you beyond what you already have together . Do you live together, if not perhaps getting a place together will show her your serious about the relationship and that you're ready to move forward with her. If you are, then perhaps getting a pet together will help. Raising and training a puppy together is great way to show someone you're in it for the long haul without putting a ring on their finger. It's also great practice for raising kids. Good luck!

Answer 6

We were engaged for a year and when our financial problems didn't subside we married anyway. It was rough when I was still in school and everything but we made it through. Now I know we can do anything together. How much do you trust this girl and your love for her? That's the real question. If you are insecure enough that your prepared to let her walk just because you're not ready to marry her than perhaps you haven't found the right one just yet and you should be a humanitarian about this and let her go so she can start to move on. If you can't bare that thought, its time to ask her to marry you.

Answer 7

You can get engaged without getting married right away. I'm sure she has heard people say that after 2-3 yrs in a relationship if the guy doesn't ask you to marry them then they never will. She doesn't realize that age does make some difference in that. Like I said, you can get engaged and have a long engagement. I fully agree with you that you both are too young to actually get married right now. You guys will probably divorce from marrying too young and the financial difficulties will seal the deal.

Answer 8

It is odd how she promises to look for a better job only if you ask her to marry you. She should be doing that for herself, not you.

Four years is a substantial amount of time to spend together. But it seems to me as if your future goals are in the works, and you are not ready to make that committment.

Try and talk with your girlfriend. Your concerns are legitimate. She doesn't seem to be willing to make any compromises, regarding finding housing that is affordable.

I am not quite in agreement with your statement that "most marriages don't last because of financial issues." Yes, finances do play a large role, but there are also other reasons as to why a marriage won't and doesn't work. Sounds to me your girlfriend is thinking only about herself, rather than looking at the big picture.

Answer 9

Run from this girl and find another. Your are both young and if she can't see that you need to be financially secure first she is still thinking like a child. You can give her a pre-engagement ring or promise ring. Do not let her force you into marriage. What will happen is she will accidentally on purpose get pregnant and decide that she can't work because she wants to be a stay at home mom and then life will really become horrible.

Answer 10

hmm are you for real? Not to insult.. but your girl is acting like a little girl. I'm 19 i would know. Keep waiting! you're making very mature and responsible decisions and you are thinking clearly. It sounds like you're both very much in love with each other, but that is not the sole reason two people should be joined in marriage , well i guess i don't need to tell you, but she needs a reality check. More time will not only give you more time to get your finances in order, it will give her much needed time to mature, and if she doesn't, then maybe marriage isn't the best route to go. If you let her control such a major life decision now, just imagine life when you're married! yikes! Hold out. She needs to respect your decisions too. But since you love the little tyke, talk to friends and family and find the right words to tell her.

Answer 11

You sound like the smart one. Now a days we tend to jump into marriage before being ready. If you are truly meant to be together till death do you part, waiting a couple more years will not hurt. As a compromise you could ask her to marry you and have a long engagement, say 2 or 3 years.