I have a boyfriend of 11 years and we are having problems?

Question

I have a b/f of 11 years, we have a 8 year old and I love him very much but the last few years we have been so distant from each other.I dont want to be vague with my Q but they dont give you alot of charachters to write with. He wanted more sex from me, but I wanted more mental stimulation from him to give him the sex, I was miserable in the relationship and moved out in march and we both were hurting. We were suppose to start dating to bring back the spark but we got a bit distant. He claims that he wants to make it work and that he wants his family back but when we sit and talk he continues to get texts on his cell phone from other girls and I believe I have lost him. I got us a counselor and we are starting to go but could use some additional info from all of you out there. He says that this is my fault because I left, but he mentally left us while I was still living with him also. We say that we love each other but we are so distant.

I can take critisism without a problem....but
maybe I didnt make myself clear we havnt been dating for 11 years we were thick as b/f and g/f for 11 years and had a child together. I left in hopes it would snap something inside of him to be more romantic which would in turn give him more sex so that we could be happy. I do think otherwise when he tells me that these girls are just friends that he has met in the last three months and are giving him advice. Believe it or not I actually didnt think he was cheating on me until last week and we never had the chance to even date or get back together yet. I said that we were going to try to date in hopes that it would re-kindle a flame. 11 years is a long time and things can get stale. by leaving I was hopeing to get the romance but but it just plain backfired on me, as he took my leaving as I didnt want to be with him anymore and has gotten over the hurt and wants to move on. I am hurting because he seemed to just move on so quickly.

He did propose to me many many times. So dont say thre was no commitment. He still wanted to up until I left. I left after 11 years of living together (not dating) because I wanted to wake him up. I left telling him that maybe we could try to do things to spice things up or that maybe he would see that he is loosing his family that we created. He didnt want to do anything with the kids and didnt give me the mental stimulation that I wanted and that is why I left. He in turns says that because of the way I left he assumed it was over (which I never said that to him) I know that I hurt him, but I was hurting as well for several years it took alot for me to move and it was the hardest thing to do in my life. I want to make it work with him but I am afraid of the "party life" he is living with right now that he will choose this instead of his boring old girlfriend that has his child. Did I make since this time?

Answer 1

Good luck with the counseling sometimes it can really help a couple. At the very least it will help you as an individual. I totally understand what you are saying my ex became distant, i was not getting the emotional stimlation to keep up the sexual part of the relationship. I was miserable too, we walked around barely talking to each other and not touching each other. What guys don't understand is for girls the emotional part of the daily relationship is what keeps up sexually interested, we are wired differently plain and simple. It sounds like he is looking to place the blame, the truth is it takes two to make things work or not. If he was truly commited to making things work with you, then he would break all contact with anyone he met for the purpose to date or hook-up with. Hang in there, I feel your pain. :))

Answer 2

If after 11 years of "dating" and an 8 year old child, he's getting text messages from other females after a brief separation, then you need to ask yourself what it is that you expect from this man. He has shown you who he really is but you seem to think that by "loving" him enough, you can make him be the kind of man that you'd like him to be. Your best bet would be to accept that you have given him 11 years of your precious time on Earth, but another day would be too much. Dating for 11 years and doing all the things that married people do like have children and live together is a surefire way to lose a man. Why should he buy the cow when he's getting the milk for free?

Answer 3

Leaving probably wasnt a good idea IF you both still want to make it work, but, thats in the past, you cant change it. Now you need to just move forward, see if the counselling works. The thing that concerns me is he has other girls texting him, so that makes me wonder just how much he wants things to work. If he's sincere about it, then "ya cant sit on the fence"..... ya know what I mean? gotta be on one side or the other, givng 100% or nothing at all. Complete open-ness in a relationship is vital, no one will know what the other wants or needs, unless you talk.

Good Luck.

Answer 4

After 11 yrs...no commitment? And you brought a child into this world that is now 8 yrs old.

Trust your instincts.....You know what you need to do. Open your eyes woman.....you don't need this person in your life!!!

You don't really love this man you are in love with the idea of being in love.

You can be counseled until hell freezes over and the devil is standing there selling you an ice cream cone...Your relationship is done...so stick a fork in it and move on!

Answer 5

Oh come on, girl, you know good and well why your'e "distant". The man is cheating on you and has been for a long time. Now he's flaunting it in your face and you're whining about loving each other? You should have stayed gone cause it isn't going to change as long as you take that crapp from him. Get yourself a set of balls and stand up to him! He can only walk all over you if you let him do it. Blame yourself for his "distance".

Answer 6

I agree with the first answer, why dating after 11 years? Wow! Okay, other than that, he's a man. Men simply dont communicate their feelings with words, they communicate with touch. You need talk, he needs sex. This is actually very typical. I think counseling will do you both good IF you are both committed to the relationship.

Answer 7

the only way to get through this is counseling. Maybe the true question is why you are only dating after 11 years? Is there a lack of committment on either or both ends? Consider counseling, you both have issues...

Answer 8

The whole situation sounds like 12 year olds. "DATING" for 11 years. And you have an 8 year old? Sheesh. You guys need to grow up. m

Answer 9

Why did you not want to give him sex? I think it says alot about the partner you're with when you don't want to have sex with them. What changed after 11 years? Do you love him, or are you just comfortable with him?

Answer 10

THIS IS A HARD ONE..I BELIVE THAT IF YOU ARE MENT TO BE YOU WILL BE...

BUT I ALSO THINK IT IS USE LESS TO KEEP PUSHING A SITUATION THAT HAS NO SOLUTION...

IF HE LOVES YOU AND YOU LOVE HIM...TRY.....

BUT MAKE SURE IS LOVE AND NOT JUST THE FACT OF MONOTOMY...BEING USED TO EACH OTHER..

GOOD LUCK AND KEEP THE COUNSELING HOPE IT HELPS...

BEST WISHES..

HO HE NEEDS TO STOP TALKING TO THOSE EXTRAS (GIRLS) IF HE REALLY WANTS TO WORK N-E THING OUT...