He's had 12 years to Clear it up! what do I do?

Question

Part II-My husband barely ever says no to his parents. It also seems like they are trying to "get in my head" as if they want control of me too! It's like they call all the shots (Where we go, what we should eat, and seemingly, how we should feel)! I can't help but feel like we can't truly have a holiday without them trying to dictate where we should go. They're always planning things for us to attend with them. When we invite them...they make excuses, unless my husband invites them to celebrate his accomplishments. That is good, but every time we go somewhere with them, it always seems like they have set me up for a bad time. I have told him not to invite them unless I'm going out, but he still tries to get me to go places with them. I never enjoy myself. I mostly don't like being around them because it seems like they "drop little hints" like they think I'm not cultured, or like they think I can't tell they are talking about me. They do it right in front of me!

Answer 1

My m.i.l does this, too. She says that you should only get married after you finish college b/c that's the smart thing to do, and you ruin your life if you get married before. She said this talking to my b.i.l, while I was sitting right there in the room. Me and my husband got married at 18, and we have never asked her for help. Her oldest daughter has gotten married, is over 30, and has asked for for a couple thousand dollars. If my husband were her favorite child, I could maybe understand the resentment toward me. However, she barely gives him the time of day. And when she does pay attention, it's only b/c she wants to see our son. I have learned to make smart comments right back. And I don't go around her very much. My husband has finally learned to stand up for me, and I think that's what your husband should do. Here's the truly ironic thing about her. She wasn't born in this country, came here very poor. Married a man in the services, and eventually gets rich off of him working. She didn't/doesn't like me b/c I was raised very poor. She always acts like I'm not good enough to be married to her son. What she doesn't realize is that it's not just hurting me, it's hurting the very small, fragile relationship that she has with her son. She also acts like I don't know how to raise my son, but that's a whole different story. I used to try to be nice to her b/c of my husband, so I would do things with her. I quickly stopped that b/c she excluded me. She never let me answer questions about my son, or my husband. She always took it upon herself to inform everyone, and half the time she didn't even know what she was talking about. As for being controlling, she pretty much forced her way into the delivery room when I was having my son. I say that you should tell your husband exactly how you feel, give instances, and tell him to take care of it, or you will. When I finally did this with my husband, he stopped it. Now she doesn't drop hints, just talks about me to her daughter. And next time they invite you out, tell them you already have plans. When your husband invites them out, tell him you're not going to be there, but have fun anyways. Call up one of your girlfriends and have a girls night out. Good luck!!

Answer 2

Oh man, thats gotta suck. I feel for you because I used to have in-laws who i couldnt stand either. by your description, they sound identical. always had to be the ones in controll, to dictate where we went and where we ate, that sort of thing. And get mad or be rude when we dissagreed. Just tellthem to stop being pushy, you married their son, not them. They are used to calling the shots so you are probably going to have to be rude and mean for it to sink thru. Do what you want anyway, so what if it messes up their plans, they would do it to you. Life is not about pleasing your inlaws, its about pleasing yourself and your husband, what are they going to do??? Force him to divorce you?? Cut you out of the will? Stop coming over?? Now theres an idea.

Answer 3

I agree with you. I had in-laws that thought, "What do they know? They're too young, or never lived." How are we to make mistakes and learn by them if they don't let us make the mistakes?
My mother in law used to tell me that I knew 'nada'. Everything they told my ex to do, she did. Followed everything. It got to the point I wanted nothing to do with her or her family.
What to do, what to do? Well, here's what I found out. You spouse needs to understand how uncomfortable you are around them. And, he not sticking up for you is very painful. Him not sticking up for himself.....that's another story. 12 years is a long time to wait for the respect you deserve. What the hell do they know what's best for YOU? I think you've earned it. No more little hints. Drop the bomb and be heard.

Good luck.

Answer 4

first talk to ur husband about ur feelings towards them. second u can even confront them urself. or whenever ur husband is going out with them just say no u r not going because of their attitudes. i don't know how much u love ur husband, but don't let his family treat u like a doormat.