Do I end it then (Follow up question)?

Question

I asked any earlier question titled: "Differences to difficult to overcome?" And now I have a followup question. We both do love & care for each other very much but since our goals aren't quite in sync do you walk away from someone you still love very much? I'm really afraid of regretting the decision. He says we can compromise but really how do 2 people comprimise on what they want for their own lives? Thanks for the help.

A shortened version of my other question is he says he wants to be married but doesnt need to be and said he wants kids but doesnt think it would bother him if he didnt have any. He doesnt choose 1 way or the other. I want kids & want to be married, those are priorities in my life where in his life they arent.

Answer 1

Yes, you are in a tough situation. You need to decide whether your goals or your relationship is more important.

Sometimes it helps to imagine the end of your life, when you know you're about to pass on -- and to wonder how you would feel, looking back at your life, if you had picked your (1) goals versus (2) the person you love. Which would you regret giving up more?

I missed your earlier question. I would just encourage you to review your goals again and see if there is any as-yet-unspoken alternative goal that would encompass BOTH of your goals in life -- something you could both feel fulfilled following, together.

(Sometimes we have our heads set on something specific, whereas we could find the same fulfillment doing something different... and maybe that could be a meeting ground for you both.)

In regards to your partner's comment about compromise, I would just reaffirm your idea (I think) that any "fake" compromise will not work, if you are both serious about your goals. The one who sacrifices more in that regard might be able to keep the relationship up it for awhile; but if the goal is that important to them, eventually the depression and unhappiness will become too hard to handle. You do need to make sure that any compromise is one that both of you can accept and thrive under.

All that being said, life often has situations where you can't have everything you desire, and things are gray rather than black and white. Still, sometimes things become more important to us BECAUSE we have chosen and sacrificed for them ("Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also" is something Jesus said -- and whether you're a Christian or not, the words are still wise ones).

The things you love and value are partly that way because you have given things up for them. Maybe that will play out in this decision as well. Again, I would -- as the final litmus test -- imagine yourself at the end of your life, and determining which choice you would have regretted more.

-- Addition --- (after your explanation above)

So:

1. Marriage:
- He wants marriage, but doesn't insist on it.
- You want marriage.

2. Kids.
- He wants kids but doesn't insist on it.
- You want kids.

Well... I'm a little confused now -- you both are actually agreeable to marriage and kids. Is there another issue?

There doesn't seem to a conflict here, unless you mean he is ambivalent towards both marriage and kids and isn't sure about committing to either one.

If this is the case, then it seems like he is the one with the decisions to make. Can he live with the commitment of marriage? And can he agree to being a parent? (Because even if the marriage fails, he will always be a father, then and forever...)

Yes, to agree to those things will cost him some freedom, but in the end he might find he has gained much more than he has lost.

Answer 2

The problem is that once you are married there are no longer personal goals unless they pertain to your personal body. Being married makes everything as one so the both of you as a couple must come up with joint goals.

Answer 3

compromise is what life and marriage is.