He came home from work and when I woke up I saw him on the computer and I saw the reflection of what he was looking at on a frame that was behind him and I know it was porn. And when I came around the corner he quickly closed the window and when I asked him about it he lied right to my face and I told him I knew what he was doing. I didn't yell at him, but I did let him know that I was hurt that he lied to my face like that. I told him that we need to be able to communicate and that I love him, but he just got angry and brought up old situations saying that I was no good and that I was always bit@*ing at him. I told him that I was very hurt by his lie and that I couldn't understand how easy he could do it to me and that I'm sure he wouldn't like it if I did it to him. What should I do?? Am I making a big deal out of nothing or should i just let it go??
2006-07-12 05:29:45 · 25 answers · asked by Ms.BusyBody 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He's picking on you bc he was caught in a lie. Guys looking at porn is common, I'd be wondering how often he's doing it though. Is it a chronic thing or casual? If he's not also attempting to improve your marriage/communication and using porn as a diversion, that's not a good thing. He has a real live woman in the household - he should value that and work on the relationship with you. If you're really concerned that he's addicted to porn, you can get software that will show how much he's online and what sites he visits. That's a sad situation for a relationship to be in. Consider if he'll go to counseling with you or what you want out of a relationship.
2006-07-12 07:18:36 · answer #1 · answered by Lake Lover 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think people are making nothing out of a big deal. It seems that porn is only part of what she is dealing with. Apparently she has been assaulted by her husbands side sweetie as well. I decided many years ago that I did not need to fill my head with anything i would feel embarrassed to share with my mother, sister, wife and children. Porn has no place in my life. Some of you may be surprised at the number of men that find porn offensive. Many men do not make such a choice though and many women actually foster the idea that porn is normal and acceptable, it is neither. I have no answer. Keep up your counseling and keep up your faith. Meanwhile I think you'd be foolish not to be thinking of where you might go to get out of this situation. Hope for the best but plan ahead for the worst.
2016-03-27 02:33:47 · answer #2 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
His reaction was the defensive reaction of someone who was wrong, who was caught, and knows it. That is so stupid when guys do the wrong thing, and then try to make it sound like it's their wife's fault. And so many women fall for it!!!
Don't fall for it. He completely disrespected you by looking at it, and then further jammed the knife in by lying to you - thus threatening any trust in your relationship. The only thing that would make him more of a jerk is for him to get mad at you when you distrust him in the future. You might want to prepare yourself and him for this one. Tell him that since he lied to you, you're probably going to be suspicious a lot in the future (for a while - hopefully he will win your trust back and deserve it), and that's something he has to understand, and can't be mad about.
But really, you two need to have a serious conversation about why he's looking at porn. If he tries to blame you again, tell him that's complete bull (most guys get into this before they even know their wives exist, and would still do the same thing even if you didn't exist), and you want the real answer. In fact, probably the first five answers probably won't be the real answer, because the real answer is going to be something he won't want to admit: low self esteem, addiction, a warped understanding of sexuality and love.
This is something that obviously makes him lie, and that divides you, and is bad for your marriage. It's really important that you come to some decisions together about how you want to approach this, and that you can both get back on the same side as fast as possible. After all, you're supposed to be a team right?
Best wishes.
2006-07-12 06:14:01 · answer #3 · answered by daisyk 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should know this. Guys who are married look at porn for 3 basic reasons.
1. They are curious and that may initially look at porn to see what its all about on the net. This is just curiosity and is harmless if it is not prolonged or as long as it does not interfere with his real life.
2. Guys look at porn because they have a problem. They may enjoy the porn as an addiction and as a way to cheat without cheating (in their mind). This reason can be a real problem, especially if they spend too much time on the computer or if they spend money at porn sites.
3. Guys look at porn when they are frustrated and don't receive sexual gratification at home. Guys may want to be sexually active once or twice a week and their spouse may want to be sexually active once or twice a month. This can be a problem so guys turn to porn and self-satisfaction.
You are right and talking is very important. But, you also have to understand that if you are not satisfying your guy sexually, human nature will dictate that he'll seek other options. Usually if you show him you want him, show him he's desirable and you pay attention to him sexually and he'll have not reason to visit porn sites.
TX Guy
2006-07-12 05:49:44 · answer #4 · answered by txguy8800 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would say you should be upset about lying. However when it comes to a lie like that, its called self preservation. It is a lie to protect himself as well as you and your feelings. As far as looking at the porn,. Your husband is an adult and free to look at whatever he wishes. The concern should be why. If it is curiosoty, no big deal. If it is just something he enjoyes no big deal. ( you know you enjoyed Brad Pitt nude in Troy :-) ) . Now if the issue is because he is unhappy with something in the relationship that is the issue. Just keep in mind all men are voyeurs by nature.
2006-07-12 05:38:33 · answer #5 · answered by NIKK F 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
TXGuy had some good points.
Your husband lied because he was embarrassed to admit he was looking at porn.
He yelled at you because he was embarrassed about being caught in his lie -- now he REALLY lost face. Anger is a typical reaction to embarrassment. (Another would be withdrawal, out of shame.)
At that point, probably the most constructive thing to do would have been to back off for a little bit until he got a grip, then ask him what a good time would be to discuss things -- so that you can understand what he was thinking, and so that he can really understand what you felt like when he lied to you.
There's also an "impersonal" vs. "personal" thing going on. Men tend to stay impersonal, women tend to become very personal.
Likely, he wasn't thinking about you when looking at porn; it was completely impersonal to him. When you caught him, it immediately became a personal issue, and you pushed it further in that direction by starting to talk about how hurt you were by his lying -- i.e., you perceived it as a direct offense to your relationship and to you, whereas he probably was only lying to stay out of trouble and save his pride, NOT to hurt your feelings.
This is a pretty common dynamic in male/female relationships, from what I have seen and experienced myself. The man will do something thoughtlessly or carelessly (or hoping that it simply will never come to light); and the woman will react as if the man's actions were purposeful.
What usually happens is that the man gets really mad, and the woman gets really hurt, emotionally. The woman's instinct to resolve the emotional issue coupled with the man's reluctance blows up in their faces.
Anyway, my advice would be this:
1. Do understand that his lie was not necessarily a repudiation of you, and that his porn-surfing was not necessarily a rejection of you.
2. He does need to understand that, while he might "compartmentalize" his behavior as something separate from his relationship to you, his lying to you was VERY personal and hurt you in a real way. You are not overreacting; he did not mean to hurt you, maybe, but what he did DID hurt you. Any time he lies to you, he is putting some distance there, and it really feels like a rejection of your relationship to you.
3. There could be problems in your marriage that are leaving a space for porn to fill. It's far easier for a guy to view porn than to deal with emotional problems in his relationships; he will be tempted to use it as an escape valve.
4. Get some space from the incident, until you can talk about it in a calm, open manner. Jumping into it right away will usually just blow the whole thing up. Set a fair time to discuss it; try to act normal until then. When you talk about it, be frank, be honest, but be calm; and remember that you are there as much to learn about what he's thinking/feeling as you are to express your own thoughts and feelings. If you two can't come together on this, then it was a failure.
5. For your part, you should constantly be conveying that you are not trying to control your husband's behavior but are giving him the information he needs to make better decisions. (Guys react very poorly to feeling manipulated or pressured.) On his part, he needs to relay to you that, even if he has different opinions, he cares about you as a person and respects your feelings and takes them seriously.
I wish I could give you more specific advice. Basically, it's about attitude and consideration. You do need to address the issue, it's important for him not to lie to you; but you should avoid making it into a cataclysmic mistake.
2006-07-12 06:19:09 · answer #6 · answered by Jennywocky 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ok i cant tell u what u should do but i can tell u what i would do and say. if i found my man looking at porn(with out me) and he lied about it...i would not be mad about the porn but about the lie...for me there is nothing more horrid then a lie...i dont care what u have done just dont lie to me...being truthful is what keeps a relationship going no matter what the problem is....but the porn is no big deal...its just porn...he cant touch it and he cant f@ck it....
2006-07-12 06:16:53 · answer #7 · answered by butterfly 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well just like any normal male, it's normal for a male to watch pornography and sometimes lie about it. In my opinion, you need to explain to your husband that this gets to you. It's not exactly something you should get mad at because there are bigger and better problems in this world. Don't let something this minor get to you and get you angry. If you have anymore concerns, please email me and I'll be happy to assist you!
2006-07-12 05:44:42 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is disrespectful for him to lie to you about anything, and then to try and justify his behavior adds even more disrespect! You arent over reacting. If you consistently ask him to be honest and he refuses, it may be time for counseling. Or maybe, you should consider leaving the relationship. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.
2006-07-12 05:40:07 · answer #9 · answered by Simplystunning 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he was looking at porn, he should admit it.
I have a feeling that you & your husband have more serious problems than the porn or the lie.
Good luck.
2006-07-12 05:39:31 · answer #10 · answered by carl l 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋