Why do I have a hard time complimenting people?

Question

I find it most difficult and most repercussion-bringing with my own husband and kids.

Answer 1

It's not a big deal if you're sparing on the compliments in general. But you ought to try more with the husband and kids.

In the case of your family, you probably figure that your love and goodwill toward your husband and kids should be obvious and taken for granted, and it seems redundant or insincere or attention-grabbing to state aloud what should already be perfectly clear to you and them. In that sense, it's understandable that they would be the hardest to compliment, since they should already know best how much you love them.

Just keep in mind that people are different from each other. Different people prioritize differently. Some people are shy and some people are popular. Some people need spoken feedback and positive strokes, and some don't. Try to meet the needs of your husband and kids half-way, even if you don't understand those needs. Forced compliments may sound insincere in your own ears, but social skills are all about doing something that isn't natural to us in order help society run more smoothly. Think of it in terms of working on your social skills.

As for being "repercussion-bringing," I'm not sure I understand what you mean. Are you saying that the lack of compliments is having negative repercussions on your relations with your family? Or that you fear future negative repercussions if you start dishing out compliments randomly?

If you fear future repercussions, then sometimes people have trouble making a needed change in their lives because they fear that the change is a slippery slope. They're afraid that yielding one time means yielding forever and getting pulled into increasingly greater concessions and compromises. But change doesn't have to be like that. You can make small changes and then wait and see the result before you proceed with other changes (if further changes are necessary).

In other words, tell yourself "I'm going to hand out a few compliments today. It's not a slippery slope, it doesn't obligate me to anything further, and I can stop if it gets too awkward or brings undesirable consequences."

Certain small, routine interactions with people scare me because I worry that I’ll get sucked into a bunch of uncomfortable obligations. But I remind myself that “it’s not a slippery slope” and that I’m obligated to the other person only as far as I choose to obligate myself to them.

Sometimes people fear even small changes because they worry that small changes will obligate them to bigger changes further on, and in turn that brings up the fear of the unknown. Remind yourself that you're in control and you only need go down that road (the "change" road) exactly as far as you want and no further.

Would that help address the problem of "repercussions"?

Good luck!

[Added later:]

Here's a fun link concerning basic social behaviors (see below). Once you're at the website, click on the links ("Positive behaviors" and "Common miscommunications") until you get the idea how it's set up. The "Common miscommunications" are the most instructive parts.

It's an instructive site because it shows that social skills are learned and do not necessarily come natural. You *learn and practice* behaviors in order to be more effective in social situations. Everyone has their personal strengths and weaknesses, and no one is perfectly adept at *all* these very basic skills. You in particular just need to learn to compliment, just as another person needs to learn to project a positive image or practice more active listening.

http://www.firstimpressionsconsulting.com/pages/tables.html

Answer 2

Most likely because you are afraid it will come out wrong and then you'll feel foolish. Think of it as making someone's day rather than a compliment. Nothing makes a person feel better than for someone to notice they are wearing a new outfit or new glasses maybe they just got a new hairstyle. Start simple, with you have a nice smile, it lights up the room. I like your dress it is very becoming. Leave your husband a little note in his wallet for him to find and simply say, I miss you, can't wait till you come home, "smile; you are loved." He will smile all day every time he thinks about it. I love to compliment people it makes them feel good and in turn it makes me feel good. You have a beautiful heart so now go out there and use it by lavishing compliments on everyone but be sincere, if you don't truly feel it don't say it. A sincere compliment is the best thing you can do for someone. Smile, and have a great day!

Answer 3

People compliment each other in different ways. Where one person might say something like "you don't completely suck", another might say "you're the most awesomest person since Jesus", but both could mean the exact same thing to these different people. It's like the age-old question "do I look fat in this?" - are people supposed to answer honestly or complimentary? Similarly, is the glass half empty or half full?

Those who would tend to the former are more worried about sounding insincere or sarcastic and want to give an accurate critique/appraisal of what they see, even if it's pessimistic. Those optimists who would tend towards the latter often expect to be taken at (much) less than face-value, with the understanding that they don't necessarily mean what they say, but that they're trying to make the other feel better regardless of reality. The way you are is the way you were brought up, but there is no right or wrong way to be. You don't have to feel bad for feeling uncomfortable complimenting others when it doesn't seem right to you.

If your husband/kids expect flowing compliments all the time but you feel uncomfortable with what seems to be too much, just let them know that you're trying to be as honest as possible; that you don't want to lie to them, even a little white lie; that you don't want their high-expectations to be dashed when others are less caring, etc. You want them to know how you really feel, not just making them feel better about themselves. You want to help them make the right choices in what tie to wear to the big meeting, etc., not always merely support them. You want to be active, not just passive.

Answer 4

It's a confidence issue. Sometimes people think you're fishing for compliments yourself, or you're worried about crossing a boundary, or you think they might take it the wrong way. As for your husband and children, not really sure. For some sad reason we can criticize intantaneously, but have a hard time saying nice things. You may not have been given enough attention for your good qualities when you were growing up so you lack the social skill to acknowledge others.

The best thing to do is force yourself. Don't get all sappy, but smile and say "that's terrific" or something. Good habits are as easy to create as bad ones.

Answer 5

You may simply be an honest person. People aren't perfect, after all. If you see them as they really are, it might be rather difficult to say anything terribly positive. Most good flatterers are good liars.

You may be self-involved, and resent good qualities in others, as competition with your own self-esteem. Or, you may simply not be terribly interested in them.

Perhaps, if you can determine a very good reason for complimenting someone -- say, they obviously did something very well, or they obviously need some emotional support -- you could actually practice complimenting them, as you would a speech or public presentation, to make it easier for you. I don't think this would be dishonest. Simply, self-disciplined.

Answer 6

She concept in the starting up, valuable guy. With the emails , the image being printed out , she is operating for the hills. women like compliments, yet that's overkill. there is not some thing incorrect with the compliments, it really is in common words the way u approached it. Simmer down, take disguise, if she seems for u, than per chance it really is hard for her to settle for compliments. If she is going bye-bye than locate yet another attractiveness yet relax.

Answer 7

I grew up with a mother that was very controlling, and she never had anything nice to say to me and my siblings. Never any compliments, we were only mostly told what we were NOT doing right. Does this sound like you? How often do you tell your husband and children that you love them? My mother never told me. That is the best compliment of all.

Answer 8

What is so hard about it, say something nice and stop thinking so hard about it. Maybe you dont want to sound fake, or unsincere. If that is the reason then I just would do it anyways, you never know who's day you might brighten. Does it feel good when you dish out compliments?

Answer 9

Are there hints of jealousy or unhappiness in your own life? Giving a compliment actually makes some people feel good. You should try it, starting with your kids.

Answer 10

Same problem here.
I like 2 keep my mouth shut, it's only when It's open, that I seem 2 upset my family.
I have a tough time seeing the good in people if they're basically not trying hard enough, when I am.