If my BF takes a vacation without me, should there be a time limit?

Question

This trip started as visiting 2 old, sickly relatives, 1 in Vermont, 1 in Minnesota – 2-3 weeks one place, drive to other & stay 2-3 weeks, then home to FLA. (Note: BF can work remote, via computer, so he continues usual Mon-Friday job – it's not 100% fun & games.)

I was supportive in planning this. I knew I'd miss him, but duty to family is important and he should visit these elders while his work assignment lets him do so.

But after 3 weeks in VT, he tells me he's not going to MN. But he's not cutting his trip short. In fact, he's adding 2 weeks (for 8 weeks total) so as to go hiking, boating, attend a festival, etc. (No change in the relative -- nothing to do with that.)

I'm feeling like this "family duty" trip has turned into a pleasure trip, and a BF who takes an 8 week pleasure trip without GF doesn't care much about the GF. We're over 35 & have been dating exclusively for 5 years. Anyone else's thoughts? Don't suggest that I join him in VT, I can't leave town.

I appreciate the answers, thanks, but a few have missed the main points. (1) I've never begrudged a 2-3 week vacation, even I can't go too -- but EIGHT? (2) This isn't a business trip, deployment, family duty, or other unavoidable asbence. This is something he's choosing freely.

Answer 1

I would be concerned as well.. Granted visiting relatives that are sick is one thing but it seems like he's completely taking it advantage of the situation. I would be very irritated if my boyfriend was gone for that long of a time span. Okay.. your relative gets it, you're there for them. But what can your boyfriend do that other family members can't who are right there. I think the two to three weeks was plenty of time and he should have ended this trip a while ago.

Answer 2

There's so many angles to this situation and you need to look at them all. So here's some points to ponder.

1. If you've been dating for 5 years exclusively and you're both committed to the relationship what's really worrying you?
2. You're not married so technically he should be free to come and go as he pleases (within reason). Same goes for you. There ain't no ball and chain here.
3. I get the impression that this is the first alone vacation he's taken since you've been dating?
4. Is he hooking up with friends while away or is he going to be on his own? If he's going with friends after fulfilling his duty, he may be just stretching his wings a little.
5. If he's hiking, boating and attending a festival on his own and going solo hasn't been his thing then I'd be wondering too. If it's his normal modus operendi then no worries.
6. Has there been anything else going on that may give you the impression that there's something/someone else going on? (mysterious phone messages, e-mails or bizarre behaviour). I'm talking about him hooking up with an internet lover (and the duty trip is his chance to check her out)?

The old adage applies: absence makes the heart grow fonder. It'll give him a chance to miss you, appreciate you and hurry back to see you.

If you have no reason to question or be suspicious, then you need to back off. If you rain on his parade and are not supportive of his 'bachelor fling' then it might just be the trigger that makes him rethink the relationship. I'm not saying you have to like it, let him know (calmly) that you wish you could go and then move on. Help him pack, make plans and whatever else he needs. Sneak a couple of love notes in amongst his toiletries and clothing so he'll know you're thinking of him.

Send him off with a big hug and kiss....no tears....tell him you'll miss him and ask him to call when he can (notice the word can....don't set times and dates so that he feels that he's checking in with the warden)

And while he's away don't mope and sit around the house wondering what he's doing. Get out, see friends, develop new interests. This is also a break for you too.

Besides you never know...this trip just might be what makes him want to come home to the love of his life and pop the big question.

Good Luck!

Answer 3

It sounds a lot like he's met someone else to spend a little time with...if he is visiting relatives, is it possible that he used to live there or grew up there? could it be an old classmate or old flame?

it sounds suspicious. but i've found with these kind of situations, you already know the answer before you ask the question. is he acting distant? do you feel your heart sinking when you're talking on the phone and it seems like he is rushing or not wanting to talk to you? are you the one always calling him? is he lying to you (do you catch him sometimes making up stories that aren't making sense)?

i could be wrong he could have just met a few guy friends and genuinely be having some fun boating and fishing. guys' brains don't usually work that well so he probably hasn't clued in that you might be hurting and feel left out.

i think you know best what's really going on so listen to your own instincts. good luck!

Answer 4

I would suggest that BF has more than family in mind, honey. Sounds like the 8 weeks will be spent with another woman. He might be seeing relatives, but usually people don't stay that long with a relative for a visit. You'd better get your nose to the ground and find out what is really going on cause you're not getting the whole story.

Answer 5

The question is DO u trust this guy? because if u do and u have no doubts then u just let him enjoy that time maybe he really needed that time to himself. If u have doubts and u think there is something more then u have to trust ur instincts. Well if u cant leave town then dont follow him. Plus i wouldnt suggest u follow if he didnt invite u. what i would suggest is for u to talk to him tell him how u feel about this whole thing and dont hide anything because communication is key in a relationship and no one will never know how u feel unless u express urself. Dont do it with anger or arguing just tell him simply how u feel about him having all this fun without u and why he would want to all that fun without including u. Let him explain to u how he feels and why his doing all those things maybe there is a good reason.
Anyway whatever it is i wish u luck with your relationship and i hope ur a prayerful person because i would suggest u pray for ur relationship as well

Answer 6

You can't leave town? Then you have a problem, It makes me feel that he is making up for all the good times that he is not having. Remember he is doing a whole lot of things. And he may feel that he is missing out. Sounds like he is a good man. Well I would let him have his fun. Because you are sure he loves you and you are sure he will come back but not as fast as you want him to. I am not trying to smart or cruel. But this whole thing sounds so harmless.
You sound like someone who does not like to travel or maybe you have responsiblities, let him have his pleasure trip if that is what you feel he is doing, because you make things sound like you will never be going anywhere or having fun with him anyways, because you are stuck in a town that you cannot leave. Listen to what you wrote you sound as if you can't go no where but expect him to limit his fun. It is like buying a child icecream but allowing he or she only 3 licks and throw away the icecream. Now i can see a problem if this is a everyday yearly thing but it is not. Let him have his vacation.

Answer 7

If you can't join him then what else are you proposing, he not enjoy himself because your being as selfish as you feel he is being...so if its going to be one way or the other what do you expect him to choose...of course its going to be opportunity..and he most likely would prefer you to have joined him but as you mentioned you can't leave town...no fault of his. Providing he still provides quality time, when your schedule allows, I see no problem he taking extra time from sickly relative visits to extend his visit to enjoy some of the time while he is there...so I suggest you accept such decisions and find a way to be able to join him if this continues to occur while he is away..good luck.

Answer 8

I think he is being very selfish. Are there other factors? Is he alone or does he have anyone with him? That could make all the difference in the world. If he went with other family members or friends I don't think it is as bad as it seems. Although, it is pretty unthoughtful. If he went alone and wants to spend two more weeks somewhere I would have to wonder who he met. I hope that's not the case. Best of luck to you.

Answer 9

certain try to be worried, i know this isn't what you needed to take heed to, yet be worried.. 4 years of a courting? and he will yet another females u . s . a . and spending a week such as her! i'm sorry, i know this isn't what you needed to take heed to, yet you deserve way more advantageous than this and that i don't think of it is okay. per chance spend your time with your people, and your guy acquaintances besides. have relaxing even as he's away. provide him area.. Your purely going to ought to attend till eventually he receives back to work out if he acts in a unique way. do not tell him your worried about it, because then he will know your mad about it. and in case you men have a fall out, he ought to do exactly it because he's annoyed at you. i'm sorry, i wish I helped. Anna.

Answer 10

I think that BF maybe just taking some much needed vacation. As long as he calls you on regular basis and you are not getting any vibe from him that he is up to something shady then let it go. When he comes back, give him some lovin. Guys hate female who are naggers. So play it cool, call him only if he calls you. I am sure you are just overreacting