Wife is freaking out !! Stupid internet!?

Question

i was SUPER SUPER bored one night and i went into a chat room. my wife found a chat archive, i started chatting with some girl and as soon as she started talking sexual and i ended the conversation, so she freaked out about this and started digging, she found some porn. then she went into my email and found that i had written to my ex, once.

ya so i havent had sex in over a month, maybe thats why im bored late at night and look at porn.

should i start going through her crap so she knows how it is, or what?? it's like she thinks i'm cheating.

maybe she's gonna start driving through the parking lot at work to see if thats where im actually at.

GRRRrrrrr!!!

my ex emailed me to see if i was still alive, i wrote her back saying i was married and what i was doing for work.....thats it.

if my wifes ex wasnt a convicted sexual felon i really wouldnt give a **** if she talked to him. as long as they were talking about the weather and ****.

i bring her flowers, make her dinner, wait on her hand and foot, pay the bills, do the dishes, wash the laundry, mow the lawn, walk the dogs....just so she can sit on her *** all day and watch TV and talk to her mom on the phone.

the no sex thing started about the day after we got married, so it has nothing to do with porn or chatting or the internet.

when i chatted with this ONE and ONLYperson, I stopped it as soon as it got sexual.

so your saying its ok for her to go through my ****....but i cant go through hers??

Answer 1

First off, I do not think that chatting with other people, regardless of there gender is wrong. My wife does it and I have no problem with it. The catch is, it must be platonic chatting with absolutely no references to sexual activity. If it goes in that direction, then it must stop or yes, I believe it is cheating. It does not have to be physical cheating, emotional cheating is just as painful... trust me.
Emailing your ex was probably a mistake. Unless there is a reason like children or you remained friends with her and your wife was okay with that, then you probably should have no contact with her at all.
In my opinion, as well as my wife's, there is nothing wrong with looking at porn. I personally do not frequent picture site, but I do enjoy reading stories people write.
Have you tried sitting your wife down and talking to her. Telling her how you feel about all this including not being intimate, and finding out why she is being the way she is. Maybe you guys are just having crossed signals. Maybe she is concerned that because you have not been being intimate, that you are having an affair. It could be so many things, but the only way to find out is to sit down and have a rational conversation without getting mad or screaming at each other.
Communication, trust, and love are the key components to any relationship. Show her how much you love her. Sit down, talk to her. Explain how you feel about her. I bet she will love that you took the time to let her know you love her and that she is the only one for you. Good luck

Answer 2

Sounds like you are really upset... you can hear it in your words... sorry that things arent working out however..... there seems to be something missing in the relationship. Do I feel chatting is wrong?............ as long as it do not cross the boundries of marriage. So far as porn goes... I'm a girl who likes to watch it so, it wouldn't really matter that much to me. However, i would suggest instead of sneaking around her back and talking/looking at other people, maybe you need to address the issues at hand. Like why you all haven't slept together in a month? What is the reason behind that... perhaps the problem is deeper here. Relationships and marriage grow old and tend to fall apart.. because people get comfortable and forget why they feel inlove. The setting and things you all do must be new and exciting. Not necessarily expensive... but exciting.

I wouldn't suggest going through her things that will just start and open another level of distrust in the relationship. I would suggest that you talk to her.... without arguing. I learned from a counselor once that when speaking to your spouse about a touchy subject.... write down what concerns you have and you two get together, set a time.. and a time limit for the talking period... and give yourself...15-30minutes per question. (does that make sense) this will allow you to read from what you have written and it will also allow you to be able to better express yourself, because if you get into an arguement the task would be off track. Don't argue, talk ... and say we are not going to argue about this... rather we are going to talk.. and go from there. Most relationships lack communication.... don't let that be the down fall of yours '

Good Luck!

Answer 3

Trust is a major problem in most marriages, and I am afaird this is a big one in yours. I would love to hear her side of the story. I don't think chat rooms are a good idea for any married person, they are a divorce waiting to happen. So, let's deal with the chat room first, a no-no. You can't find a decent chat room anywhere that the conversation is not going to turn into some kind of a sexual thing. I think your wife did freak, but she had reason too. She thought you were cheating, and she wanted to know for sure.
Then when trying to find out if you were messing around she finds porn and a letter to the ex. 3 strikes, bud...You need to talk to her if you want this marriage to work out. You need to apologize to her, yes you do, because she was hurt. She felt betrayed especially when she found out you were looking at porn and talking to the ex. She wants to be woman enough for you, but you showed her 3 times that she wasn't. So, consider her feelings, put yourself in her place. You said you didn't care if she talked to her ex, well most people have problems with that. I am glad you don't, and I am proud that you are asking for help with this instead of throwing in the towel. Please talk to her explain that you what you did and why you did it. Tell her if it bothers her you looking at porn-then stop! Respect her enough to compromise on the talking to the ex..Now, whether she forgives you is another whole story. And you have to be willing to forgive her also for sneaking around behind your back. Can you do this? Because she will be watching you, I know I would. I am sorry, she has been hurt before then trusted you enough to give her heart to you-she is protecting herself. I am not saying what she did was right, but I can't say it was all that wrong either. I hope it works out for you, you took the first step asking for help-now ask her.... God bless....

Answer 4

Unfortunately you are in the same situation that thousands of men are in. The problem is that your wife doesn't have the same opinions about porn or chat rooms that you do. If she has never been in a chat room or viewed porn on the internet then all she has heard about it is negative. One suggestion is to sit her down and show her what you did. Go to a chat room and let her read the stuff people write. Show her that most of it is ridiculus and often funny. Let her know that you enjoy talking to other people and like giving advise to them to help them. Point out that when it became sexual with that women, you stopped the conversation. Also show her the porn pics. Let her know that you think it is interesting to look. Show her guys pics, she might understand that it is interesting! However, if she is very religious she won't look at this stuff with you. If she is unwilling to sit with you and look to see what you actually did, then you can accuse her of failing to be reasonable enough to see your defense. The key is if she is keeping the information to herself. If she has told her mother or family, then she has stepped over the line and created a slanderous view of you to her family. That crosses the line and could create a deal breaker if she doesn't want to attempt to resolve it. In the future when you want to chat, tell her in advance and invite her to sit there with you to get a good laugh. Good Luck

Answer 5

Dude, I'd say most guys at least check out the porn on line once to see what all the excitement is about and soon get bored. I'm not covering your butt, cause that porn stuff can mess up a relationship. But going in chat rooms and writing to your ex?? Come on, Man, we all know that's not the whole story. She has every right to be suspicious; but I don't condone snooping into your privacy. You've shown her she can't trust you anymore. YOU did this to YOURSELF ! Now, come clean and tell her you won't do those things anymore and prove it. If you love this woman, you'll have to start over proving to her she can trust you again and showing her alot of affection. Be prepared to grovel and beg. That's what you get for being selfish.

Answer 6

First of all, I go to chat rooms and chat so does my husband. We enjoy our friends, and people we meet. I chat to numerous men and he chats with women We have complete faith in one another, and no we do not save our chat archives. My husband also looks at porn, as well as he collects it. If i was so insecure as to be pissed over porn and chat, I would say maybe she is in the wrong marriage.
You can not control what a person thinks or what makes them happy married or not. To say the least . You want to stay married . Explain to her, that she herself is the one you appreciate sexually, intellectually, and for ever after. That you enjoy porn for the naughtiness, and as far as chat. It is no problem, after all, you didnt respond to the girl sexually.
and far as calling your ex.. hon she is called "ex" for a reason. And I dont blame her for being pissy about that. Obviously she is feeling insecure otherwise she wouldnt be questioning what you are doing, let alone having problems sexually for a month. So, find out what is wrong. Dont treat her like this is how she wants to be. Find out why she is, and work with her on her feeling more supported by you :) good luck, and a happy marriage to you both

Answer 7

The girls are on this one. Writing ex without telling your wife, bad move. Chatting, although good for boredom, will usually come back to haunt you as you now know. Looking at porn...well you are a guy after all and lets face it, you're prolly not gonna get the sex you want anyway (you bought her a ring didn't you?). Makes you wonder... whats the real reason prostitution is illegal?
Oh, good luck on the romantic idea, like thats really gonna work.

Answer 8

So why exactly did you email your ex?
Do you have kids together?
If not, then yeah there should be no reason for you to be emailing her.
How would you feel if she was emailing one of her ex's?
And yes, it does feel like we are being cheated on when you find out your husband has been talking sexually with other women and when you look at other women and think about sex.
Get over yourself and think about her feelings.
Maybe if you were a little nicer to her and maybe a little more romantic maybe you WOULD get some sex from her!
Try bringing her some roses, or even just ONE!
And tell her how thankful you are for having her....
SE WHERE THAT GETS YOU!!

Answer 9

Most of the women I know would freak out in your wife's situation.
Looking is technically not cheating, but triggers jealousy since that means you find other women attractive while being married, therefore, one day you might get a lover...Besides makes automatically think a woman that is not enough attractive as to keep her husband 100% satisfied....

A wife wishes to be the last woman unless filing a divorce...

Do not be surprised that finding you "chatting" over sex would not trigger a furious attack of jealousy and disappointment

How would you feel putting yourself in her place?

For more info, get the Cosmopolitan and learn something about the female way of feeling what you consider is a nonsense.

Answer 10

I suppose you don't think you're wrong! You are in the wrong and owe your wife an apology for:

1. Chatting is a no no!
2. Porn is bad too, it makes your wife feel like she isn't good enough for you and that will lower her confidence which means no sex!!!
3. Any contact with your ex is wrong! EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT!
4. Don't be so ugly about your wife!