Been married 5 months deeply love my husband don't think he feels the same, I feel trapped. What do I do?

Question

I know in my heart that he loves me, but I know that his past doesn't allow him to love me the way he should. I am 9 months pregnant right now and We were engaged and planning the wedding well before finding out about the baby. This is my second marriage, my first husband tried to kill me. I completed my counseling and now I have a much smarter outlook on life. I don't doubt that my new husband loves me. I just know that he has this need to be incontrol and sometimes he just doesn't seem to care what it takes for him to feel that. We married through the church and it is against my beliefs to just walk away or divorce. None of these signs where there before the wedding. I am starting to feel so worthless about myself meanwhile. What do I do?

I know that there is a huge chance that my hormones are out of control and I give a lot of slack for that. I have tried to talk to him and he gives me the same response everytime, "He knows", We have a lot of great times together. I am unsure what the exact reason is for his coldness. His mom passed away on his 14th birthday and his little brother passed away about 4 years ago. I know that that is a main reason. I have been by his side through everything. I know that he loves me because he chose me. He has 2 kids from 2 others and never did he even consider marriage, We had no ties and he was down on one knee. When he is great, he is great but when he wants to hurt me, he really can. I am more scared that one day he is just going to push me so far away, I won't come back.

I know that there is a huge chance that my hormones are out of control and I give a lot of slack for that. I have tried to talk to him and he gives me the same response everytime, "He knows", We have a lot of great times together. I am unsure what the exact reason is for his coldness. His mom passed away on his 14th birthday and his little brother passed away about 4 years ago. I know that that is a main reason. I have been by his side through everything. I know that he loves me because he chose me. He has 2 kids from 2 others and never did he even consider marriage, We had no ties and he was down on one knee. When he is great, he is great but when he wants to hurt me, he really can. I am more scared that one day he is just going to push me so far away, I won't come back.

I don't plan on throwing in the towel. I pray to god that we can get through this together and I truley do believe that we will. Since we have been together so many people have noticed a dramatic change in him for the better and I give so much thatnk to god for that. So I know that we are doing something right. I just really feel that I need his love and affection more than I need the diamond ring or the house. How do I get his heart not his possesions?

Answer 1

I have to say that more often than not your instincts are on the money. But there are always variables. Is this his first baby? I can't imagine anything in the world that could make a man feel like he is not in control than that. He honestly has NO control. He does not carry the baby, that end of it is in your hands. Therefore he may feel that he needs to take control where he can. It isn't very rational, but it does happen. You need to ask yourself if you can spend the rest of your life dealing with him and his issue, they may not be resolved when the baby comes and chances are they may get worse. I have been with my husband 15 years and we started off a lot like you, it has been a struggle, some good times and more bad. I chose to stick it out and prayed that he would grow up. I am sorry to say he didn't. I love him, but I wonder what life would have been like if I hadn't had to deal with his ever growing list of issues, and had time for other things.

Answer 2

I have also been in a sexless marriage for just about as long as you have been sexless. I've contemplated leaving too. My husband has a chronic illness as well and he also has a low libido (or testosterone) and he refuses to get medical help for it, so I am stuck all alone basically. I do love my husband, but I don't know how many more years I can go on living like this. Our children are younger than yours. They would be absolutely devastated if I left their father, which is why I can't walk away so easy. Also the fact that I still love my husband deeply complicates matters. Every day, my feelings are torn and I don't know which way to turn. Do you still love your husband? If the answer is no, then go now...while you can. But if you do, then by all means stay. Plenty of spouses still support their husband or wife even after they come down with self-inflicted medical problems (like lung cancer from smoking, liver problems from drinking, etc.). This shouldn't really be any different.

Answer 3

It would be interesting to hear what he has to say. You say he's cold... well, he has 2 other children to support plus one on the way. Maybe he's just stressed out and you're in a supersensitive state at the moment. He probably loves you, but maybe he's not showing it as much as you'd like him to. I'd say, cut him a bit of slack or talk to him about it. You both came with a lot of history into this relationship and it's only natural that there's some doubt and a period of adjustment necessary until things fall into place. Don't stress. Have your child and give it a bit of time.

Answer 4

if you feel worthless about yourself now imagine how you'll feel in a couple years. If you really want a marriage that is going to last the rest of your life leave now before you get yourself too deep in this thing. You don't need him and there are plenty of better guys who'll make you feel so much better about yourself. Dont marry him

Answer 5

Change is the Rule of Nature. When you are not happy decide it quickly don't Waite long the transition time will be painful.

Answer 6

Well to start with you should probably have a serious conversation with your hasband and how you are feeling. You also have to remember your hormones are like a rollacoaster when your pregnant, that's why if i were you I would talk with my husband about this.

Answer 7

Seems like some kind of fear from the past. get over with it. your husband loves you. He chosed to get married with you and have children, a real family.

You better worry about yourself and the baby since it is a very beautiful thing to bring up children in this world. Good luck!

Answer 8

You should first understand that your husband has an issue with being in control. Stop allowing that to make you feel worthless. Whatever happened in his past may have to take a back seat compared to what your past was like. If you can can rebound from that and offer him true love, then he sure has to step up his game. Also he could be scared with the wedding and the baby being due any day now. Give him the opportunity to make decisions about these issues no matter how important or how small they are. (in other words ask him what he thinks about......) this can build a mans confidence and shows them they are needed (in control).

After all it was you guys that made us men so sensitive in the first place.

Answer 9

It sound like, even though you feel he does love you (and in his own way he probably does), that he puts himself and his feelings first and is unwilling to open up to you. If this is the case, it may not be possible to change him and you will either have to move on or accept that he cannot reciprocate the affection you have for him or the desire to be close. I've experienced this.

Answer 10

Its your hormones...I would suggest waiting a while and see what happens.......You also might be geting depressed that happens when a woman is about to give birth and after...Don't make any life changing decisions right now..Wait