What is the process of children talking to someone like a judge or advocate about their father & stepmother?

Question

My 2 daughters, ages 12 and 14 are getting to the point of not wanting to spend time with my ex and his wife due to the fact that they tell their "evil plans" to the girls about they want the girls to live with them, taking away certain special occasions from them and I (especially me to piss me off), talking badly about me and my husband (my ex has gone as far as calling him an ahole to my 14 year old which upset her), etc, etc. It has gone as far as his wife saying that I am brain washing them.
I am getting tired of them talking to the girls like this and frankly so are the girls. They are too young to be stressed out. Everytime they are over at their apartment, him and his wife are arguing/fighting about money in front of the girls...even when I am talking to the girls over the phone. The girls end up going outside just to be able to talk to me.
They are so emotionally upset and they do not like seeing the way they treat me and they don't like how my ex and his wife treat them

By the way, we live in the state of Oregon and they live in the state of Washington. The divorce was made in the state of Washington and he has a jerk for an attorney and they get the judge they ask for every time and get what they ask for every time.
I, however, do not have an attorney due to the fact that there are no attorneys in the county that I need to file in that will stand up to his attorney or judge. I always get "conflict of interest".
I am stuck.

Just to mention...I never talk bad about their father...only the girls do. But I tell them that it is wrong and he is still their father and calling him names isn't going to help them. I tell them that they need to share their feelings with thier father. He needs to know that you are angry/hurt.
They are afraid of talking to him. They do not want to make him angry because he has a temper and is very controlling.

Answer 1

Once your child custody has been decided (and it looks like you have primary custody) it's hard to get things changed. In my case, I stipulated how disputes would be settled right in the custody agreement. So if new problems come up I have a way to deal with them - first between us, then with a mediator and finally with the courts. But if you don't have such an agreement you might remember to add one if you do go to court again. Unfortunately, you can't control what your ex and his wife say. And bad mouthing you or discussing money problems won't sway a judge to prevent visitation - it isn't endangering the child (too many more severe problems out there I'm afraid). But, you asked for real suggestions:
1. If your agreement includes medical insurance (that hopefully he has to pay for), then let him know (by letter that you keep a copy of) that if the children continue to be so bothered after a visit you will start taking them to a psychologist. Then the psychologist's impressions can be used to support your case if needed later. And it should help the girls too.
2. Take the free Oregon class on Parenting. If you file for divorce in Oregon, you have to take it. It will definitely provide you with some ideas on how to deal with this issue - from people who help mediate these same issues every day. Ask your local court house or an Oregon attorney for the specifics on who holds classes in your area. You might ask him to do the same in Washington, as they have similar programs. If he refuses and you've shown the good faith effort and taken it, this will also help your case if you do go back to court.

Bottom line is if you walk the high road, it will work out OK. The kids are learning the type of husband they shouldn't marry and that alone may save them from a bad marriage someday. Just keep talking to them and help them to live their lives without his negative influence. And it is important that they know their dad - the good and the bad.

Answer 2

I filed for a modification of visitation. The judge granted an exparte order stopping visits, while awaiting the hearing. (that doesn't happen often, but daddy is a junkie and our daughter has a protection order against his new wife - also a junkie). The judge then orderd that "the child be available" for him to interview at the next hearing. I got accused of brainwashing too. Get a good lawyer, be honest and don't talk bad about the dad and stepmom in front of the girls. You can also talk to the lawyer about requesting a guaridan ad litem for your girls. My daugher is 13, and I think it is right around 12 that judges start listening to the kids, so that should work for your kids. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 3

Try talking to a family practice lawyer. He will be familiar with the laws where you are at, and most of the time you can get a free consultation. I feel really bad for your girls. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 4

stop using the kids as your pawn. u gonna tell me that u don't fight with your husband in the house. and that u haven't taken away special occasions from him before. oh yeah the lawyer issue maybe his case is better prepared than yours or he's not ready to roll over and die. try and take my son and see the war u started.

Answer 5

now that they are 12 and 14 just going for a custody cast should be enough to get them to talk with a judge.