If your spouse abuses you mentally and even physically for years and you finally lash back are u an abuser too

Question

I spent years with an untrustworthy woman who put me thru every kind of mental abuse you can think of, at times even hitting me in the face or baseball bat in the back if i tried to walk away. One day i'd had enough of hoping it would get better and slapped the #%@* out of her after she had finally pushed me to my limit, and it felt good. But i'd never struck a woman before or since. She actually called the cops who took me to jail without so much as a question. Now I look like the mean abusive ex-husband. If she had a conscience she'd know she was wrong, but I don't think she does.We divorced 8 years ago and it still eats at me. Shes wrong and so is this horrible "justice" system. According to todays definition I'm an abuser, and once an abuser always an abuser so it is said. But I know I'm not, but who beleives me or cares anyway?

Answer 1

You took more than I could have, but in reality, you should have left the woman long before you were driven to this point. I don't know you, so I cannot know if you are being honest, but I think you are. My heart goes out to you and I pray your guilt eases soon.

Answer 2

First answer, yes, you are BOTH abusive. That's the law and reality. People don't like to accept the fact that the abuse continued for years because they stayed. Duh. You got sucked in or whatever but then you stayed. I see it all the time. It goes both ways. Most fighting couples I've known abused each other. It is usually worse when the man does it because he's stronger. But women do some damage. And when it is one sided, the victim stays. And that can have all sorts of endings. You have to leave a situation before it builds up to the point where you blow up. This is true of any situation. Would it be okay to hit your boss? An old lady at the bus stop? A guy who cut you off in traffic? If the answer is no (of course it is) then it isn't okay to hit your family or friends either. You do exactly what you'd do if it was some freak on the street or a creep at work.
I hope you left and stayed out.

Answer 3

Your problem was
1) staying with someone who mentally and physically abused you
2) not calling the police and having her arrested when she hit you (each and every time)

If she hit you and you hit her back, it was self defense. If you just hit her because you finally had had enough, that will be tough to fight. With women, it is more socially acceptable to come out of the blue and hit an abuser. Yes, this is a double standard and it sucks. Have you actually been convicted? If not, I would work with your attorney/public defender to deferred adjudication. I'm very sorry this happened and I believe you when you say it will never happend again. From this point forward, have no contact with her and if she insists on coming around you, get a restraining order. Good luck.

Answer 4

This was 8 years go? I think it's time to move on. She is still abusing you to this day if you can't let it go.
Honestly if you realize you were wrong and promise yourself that you will would never do it again and never have since, then you deserve to give yourself a second chance. Forgive yourself just as you would try to forgive a friend for doing something wrong. Sounds like you feel guilty and never got a chance at redemption, in the 'laws' eyes or more importantly your own.

Answer 5

I am so sorry that she put you through that and that law enforcement is stupid and put you in that category because you are a man. why is it that people do not think women are capable of this behavior. I don't understand why abusers are oblivious to her behavior my ex husband tells me it was all in my head he never beat the crap out of me but he did abuse he skipped hitting and went straight to chocking I hope you have found someone who treats like a king. I do not consider you a abusers I think she got what she deserved you want to fight like a man you better take it like a man I never fought back or called the cops but one day I had enough and left

Answer 6

I am against verbal or mental abuse of any kind but it sounds like you were abused yourself and you went into protection mode. Women who hit other people and expect them not to retaliate do not have my sympathy. You sound like it bothers you a lot that you hit her. I say that you should quit blaming yourself. The only thing you did wrong was to get involved with someone like her in the first place.

Answer 7

If what you say is the truth and the way it actually happened, I believe you. This happens. Men get abused by women - their spouses are often the abuser. It's not as common as men abusing women, but it happens. She sounds like she was psychotic. It's too bad there is SUCH a stigma about men admitting to authorities that they're being abused. If there weren't, you may have reported her to the Police years ago...........

Answer 8

personally i think that showing someone that they have crossed the line and that you have had enough does not make you an abuser-it just shows that you waited too long at opening your eyes and ending a bad situation
on the other hand,if you enjoyed your lashing out as you put it,so much that you would impose such behavior in your relationships after your divorce then dude you have a problem-seek help
if that is not the case, just let it go-you are free
chalk it up as one more lesson learned in you're mission in this existance.

Answer 9

You know, I am sorry. But this has to be said. Why are these questions being asked? Common Sense! When you are verbally, emotionally, physically abused "if it feels good stay!" "If it hurts leave!"
I think people are just wanting to talk and make up all these abuse questions or just really stuck on stupid. No offense, but my goodness. How hard is this really? If you like it stay- enjoy it! If you don't- it hurts too badly leave? Hello.....

Answer 10

i think you shouldnt have gone to jail because this could have been a form of self-defense and she has done much worse than you. but maybe you should have left her or called the cops before your anger built up and you made a bad decision. i wish it wasnt like this but men are always blamed more than woman because they are bigger and stronger. im sorry you were abused for so long and i think it was wrong that you got in trouble for one thing after putting up with her for so long.