I am Scared that my marriage is going to end in divorce.?

Question

I know all marriages go through ups and downs but this down is caused by me. I am not a very affectionate person and my husband gets upset by that. he knew i was this way b4 we married but he is really bothered by it now. when it comes to sex i am not an initiator and never have been. and alot of times i want nothing to do wih it at all. He gets very upset with me over it. I try too sometimes but i feel comfortable. Another problem I have is that I am very flirtacious. but not towards my hubby. i love him because he is the father of my babies and he helped me when i needed someone. but it is not the same kind of love that a wife should have for her husband. I thought it was when we got married but after a few weeks i knew that wasnt why i married him. I was trying to get out of a way of life that i did not want my daughter raised in.my ex was very abusive and a druggie and never had a job . so i knew once she was born i had to get out of there. so i did. and thats how i got here.

I know it was wrong to marry him for the wrong reasons, but i did not realize it at the time. everything happened so quickly and i really did not have any time to actually think about what i was doing. i was just so desperate to raise my little girl in the right enviroment and i didnt think about anything else until after the deal was done. I know he is a good man and that is another reason i feel so guilty because i know that there is someone out there capable of loving him and being a good wife to him and i am holding him here in a life that is not making him happy, he says that he loves me all the time and i feel it is true but i know he deserves so much more.

I do love him and we do make love it is just not to what he would like to have. If we werent making love enough than how in the hell did we end up wih 2 more little ones? Any way i know it was wrong, but after being in the relationship i was in b4 it is never easy to love the same again. I loved my ex more than he deserved and it ended in a way it shouldnt have. I chose to get out when i did because i saw him going deeper into a hole and i knew he wouldnt be able to get out if i had stayed. He hurt me physically and mentally and i did not want my daughter to be hurt like that.

and another thing to the people who think i am bringing other men into my lif i have only been with these two men my entire life. so how is what i am doing so bad. I never said i was going to divorce him i am just asking for advice on how to love him like he needs even if the feeling arent actually there.

Answer 1

I had this exact same problem. My ex wife was from up north and did not like to be touched unless we were having sex. She said it was because when she was growing up her parents were not the type to show affection and she was not used to it. But when we first got together she said I was everything she had ever wanted. That she wanted a romantic amd loving man which I am. She still had a big problem being affectiate tho..example..when we were driving and i would reach out to hold her hand she would pull away from..or if i tried to hold her hand while we were walking again she would pull away. even at home if i just walked up to her and gave her a kiss and a hug she would flinch.......She swore she was trying to change and said she still wanted to get married. But after we had been married about a year things were just as bad and i could not take it anymore. I told her that i could not be in a marriage with someone who only wanted me to touch them when we were having sex. That it was making me crazy to have her pull away from me everytime i tried to show her any affection because i was raised in a very loving and warm family. We tried to make it work by talking to a therapist but it did not help. I told her i felt more like a roommate with sex privlages than a husband and that even tho i still loved her i was tired of trying and i filed for divorce. I was sorry it ended but it was not fair to either of us. I can't be cold like her and i guess she can't be loving like i am so it was better that it ended. If you care about the guy your with then i think you should let him go. Your not being fair to him by useing him when there is a chance he could find someone out there who would really love him. Or for that matter you might findone you truly love. The longer you stay together for the wrong reasons the more it will hurt when you do split up.....because you will !! how long do you think you can keep fooling him ? If you split up while you to are still friends it will be better for your child because she will have parents that get along even tho they are divorced. Look into your heart and do what's right and Good Luck to the 3 of you !

Answer 2

Wow am i the only one hearing the violins??? lol.. Look, im sorry your a grown damn woman u knew what u were saying the day u took your wedding vows.. ur so worried about what kind of environment that your children are growing up in yet u seem not to worry at all what a horrible influence your being on your own daughter how hypocritical.. Lets teach our daughter to use men and spit them out when they are no longer needed, lets teach her that wedding vows really dont mean anything.. lets rip my children away from good daddies because well im just to damn selfish and always think i can get something even better then what i have now.. You finally have a man that is a good husband is trying to do all he can to make you happy, and has taken on the responsibilities as father to your child.. but thats just not good enough..im happy u got away from an abusive druggie, but i think u must be one of those girls that are only happy if they get to be the martyr in a relationship.. GROW UP. ... ok so u leave this guy and then u realize that most guys out there today are closer to being more like the abusive guy rather then the good guy your with now, and your children get to go on this rollercoaster of mom being with crappy men and dumping the good ones and well its ok to have men come and go, and sleep with whomever u want , have no morals or values.. Geeze for someone that wanted to do so much right for your daughter, ur really getting ready to REALLY screw her up on the road ur getting ready to go down...

Answer 3

I too was in an abusive relationship and got out after the birth of my daughter and also married a man that I knew was good for us. It was very hard for about the first 6 years and still is but he is a good man and works very hard for the family and adopted my daughter when she was four. Now, I couldn't imagine my life without him and I love him in a totally different way. I too was not very affectionate after my horrible experience with my ex. It took me years to actually feel the way I wanted to feel about my husband now. All I can say is time will tell. If he loves you, he will understand. I've been married 9 years now and it hasn't been easy but now I love him more than ever and continue to love him more each day. Hang in there and don't be so hard on yourself.

Answer 4

If he is an understanding guy, you need to talk to him and maybe you can get therapy. You can't go on letting him believe you love him like you should. If you realized a few weeks after you were married, then why didn't you do something about it? I understand that you don't want your daughter to be raised in the wrong way, but don't you think that you kind of are being in the situation that you are in right now? Should your daughter be exposed to a mother who doesn't love her husband like she "should"? You love him deep inside, it just needs to come out and you need to realize it or it will end.

Answer 5

Marriage is never the answer to a problem You made a very made decision but you can do you and your husband and your children a big favor before you call it quits. Go to marriage counseling. Even if it doesn't save your marriage it'll help you to have a civilized divorce. Also counseling will help you so that you won't use marriage as a solution to a problem ever again otherwise you'll just make this same mistake again.

Answer 6

You got serious un-resolved problems. No real solutions.

You went from one bad situation into another and now you want to jump again.

You need to work things out.

Both have to compromise.

Otherwise you need to be a single parent and live with the fact that marriage is not for you and you can'f fullfill the requirements.

Talk it out and reach a half way point.

Otherwise go it alone and stay that way.

Answer 7

Hey, great idea, Rose. You made a big mistake, so you jumped out of that marriage. Then, because you made one big mistake, you jumped into another big mistake, now you want to make another big mistake to get out of this one.

Hey, it might work. Be sure to listen to the dummies who will always recommend jump again. Sarcasm intended!

Just how long are you going to keep making bigger and bigger mistakes trying to fix the last mistake, until you decide to stay and fix things???

It's time to "bite the bullet" and try to fix what you have. Do you think you are going to find a lot of other guys -- any other guys -- who will love you and your daughter like this guy is trying to do, and who will cause you to feel this great love, when you've been divorced how many times, and it sounds like you don't really know how to love?

There are some things that have been learned in this world before the generally young and inexperienced participants on this URL were born.

One is that "romantic love" is more aptly called the "hornies" and goes away in less than two years. We have to learn to love our mates. That is, we have to work at it. It doesn't happen all by itself.

Dr. Laura has said for years to women exactly like you that if they start TREATING THEIR HUSBANDS LIKE THEY LOVE THEM, THEY WILL LOVE THEM.

I wondered if that is true. My son is in medical school, and recently he ran across a study which showed that it is true. Women who simply started treating their husbands as if they loved them, quickly reported they had learned to love them.

What more can I say? Take charge of your life, and fix what you have, rather than make another big mistake to fix the last two...

By the way, this is gross, apologies to the moderators. But, I have a second cousin, a woman, who was an electronics technician in the factory where I worked. I tend to hang around women, most of my buddies are women, and sometimes they say things they usually only say in front of other women, not men.

She said one day her husband watched Baywatch, after she went to bed -- because she got up at 4:30 am to work overtime. After watching all the sexy women on that show, he'd come into the bedroom and try to wake her up for, ahem. She sleeps like a log, and it is really hard to wake her up after she falls asleep.

And, after he did, she had a terrible time getting back to sleep, and would come into work the next day half dead. She finally told him, "STOP WAKING ME UP. I am your wife, and I want you to come to me for your needs, just do what you need, then (re-arrange my clothing when you are done.)" That was one of the kinkiest things I heard in a long time, but it was her honest solution, her way to literally love her husband and not refuse him.

The point is, smart people can always find new solutions for any problem if they try.

Answer 8

So in essence you USED this man's kindness and love to make life better for yourself and your daughter?

You are one of the reasons why women go through what we go through..

The moment that you noticed (two weeks later) you should have told him how you really felt and allowed him the choice and chance of a decision, he may have still helped you out of your situation.

so now he's stuck inside of a loveless, non-love making In-affectionate marriage, with you?

WOW.

...and you're flirting with other men?

Answer 9

Sorry to say but it probably should end that way.
Why live in a self created purgatory? It's not fair to him and it's not fair to you. You both need to move on and try to find some happiness for yourselves.
How are you to set a good example for your children? You cannot. Because they will know when things are not right.

Answer 10

i feel for you and i have to say that you are not in love with your husband. how do you think you are going to avoid a divorce. you know you are not in love with him and you will never be happy with him in this marriage and sexually. you wanting to flirt with others all the time shows in so many ways that you are interested in other guys..yea it is nice ot be with th father of your children but if your not happy mom then they will see and they wont be happy..you know what you have to do or what is gonna happen i really wish you the best in your mess as im going through a mess too...