Marital Advice?

Question

I've been married for about 3 years and lately I've developed an infautuation with a woman a few years younger than my wife. I haven't cheated, nor will I, actually I don't think the woman in question I'm infatuated with has even noticed I like her. The problem beside the above is that my wife is overweight (100lbs), and she acts as if she doesn't care. I don't dare bring that topic up, because it could cause hurting. For instance we were at an amusement park recently and she couldn't ride any of the rides(coudln't get the seat belts over). That's humiliating, not only for me, but I can't imagine how much for her. I really feel guilty, especially when we go anywhere, because I'm too embarassed to be seen with her. I don't mean to be cruel, it's just the way I feel. Sex is monotonous for the most part. We don't try anything new, and she's not the adventurous type. The infatuation woman is my wife's family (her cousin), and I am in no way related to her other than marriage. ??

Continuing... I'm not sure what I should do exactly. I find myself wishing everyday to spend more time with the other woman, and not in a sexual way. Just to get to know her, or see her is what I wish. Am I a bad person for these thoughts? What do you guys think I should do? Telling my wife has for the most part been a waste of time. It gets us nowhere. Thanks for replies.

Answer 1

What if you started suggesting doing outdoor activities...don't bring up the fact that she is over-weight. Just say things like...
1. Let's go to the mall and walk around
2. Let's go for a hike
3. Let's get out of the house and stretch our legs.
Tell her she is beautiful. Get her out of the house. Suggest a lighter way of eating. If you go to fast food...Get one burger combo and one salad and split them. So that she doesn't feel self conscience about the salad feeling everyone is looking at her, but she is also still getting some fries and some hamburger. Make it fun and not hey your fat...you need that salad more than I do.

A woman can tell when you don't want to be seen with them. She probably feels that you love her, but are embarrassed by her. The best way to change things around is to accentuate the positive.

You need to be open about your sex life. She isn't able to do positions that she used to be able to do, however, there are several that are wonderful no matter what size you are. If her body bothers you, buy her some lingerie so that she feels sexy and wanted, and you feel exciteed that you bought it for her.

There is nothing harder than being plus sized and feeling like you wish you could be skinnier. I know this from experience (2 babies in two years). I am in the process of losing about a hundred pounds and felt very self conscience of my body. Don't get me wrong, my husband would love it if I lost all of the weight tomorrow, but we have discovered each other in different ways. Our sex life is fantastic and as I lose the weight it gets better and better. I feel better about myself and my husband tells me how sexy I am.

Don't judge her...you married her for a reason...listen to what your heart tells you and tell the woman you married how much you love her and why you married her. There will always be someone prettier, funnier, sexier, etc... But do those people connect with you the way your wife does? Probably not. They are just a moment of excitement...when at home you have a lifetime of discovery with your wife.

I hope this helps...good luck.

Answer 2

Well, I guess my advice to you is this:

You may not think that your wife has feelings about herself being over weight - when in fact; I'm sure she's not self confident.

When women are over weight, it effects all different sides of a marriage - one including sex. You say, you dont try anything new - this is because she is afraid to - imo. She does not feel comfortable with you seeing her perhaps, or being in some of those positions.

As for the infactuation, its normal to think others of the opposite sex are attractive. I would say stay as far away from temptation as you can.

You really need to start taking your wife out and help boost her self esteem, this will help her to want to take better care of herself.

I know you may be embarrassed to be around her, however - the more you get her out the better she will feel. I'm sure you dont think she knows how you feel, but - honey - us ladies are smarter than that. We can feel things in our bones. lol. ;)

I also like the girls idea above about going to the gym together. Chances are you are not the hottest guy she has ever seen before either. ;) Dont take that the wrong way... you may want to discuss the situation a little bit - I would choose your words carefully not to hurt her.... but, basically tell her you would like to see her more active and that you would like to help her by joining a gym together and spending more time w/ her.

Answer 3

Your wife sounds like a big lady and you are not attracted to her anymore, so your mind is wandering.....looking for someone else to be interested in. I can't say I blame you, but please......don;t get involved with your wife's cousin (she may not be interested in you and I think you realize that) it will cause an immense amount of pain and hurt, not only to your wife but also to her family. However, you must also think of yourself (You sound like a nice person) try talking to your wife...explaining that you are concerned about yourself as you have noticed your mind wondering onto other women (no names) and you don't want this to happen. Ask her....could it be that we can do something to get our relationship and sex life back on track. You may have to be honest and say she was a lot more attractive when she was a little lighter. Better to hurt her by mentioning the weight rather than get so far down the line.....there's no return for you! Speak to a counselor also. Good luck!

Answer 4

Obesity is a symptom of a deeper, underlying problem. There's something in her life that's missing and she's trying to fill the need with food. The problems in your relationship aren't physical, they're emotional. The physical is just an obvious manifestation. You're seeking solace from another woman, not just for the sex... but to fill the need in your life your wife won't.

You can't solve this problem. You can only make it worse. Your wife has to take charge of her own life. You might be able to help, a bit, but she has to do it.

Tough love is just that. Tough, but love. You have to get your wife to face her issues... the reasons behind her obesity. Approach it not as a physical issue, but as an emotional one. Get her to see she is self destructing. Suffer the hurt. Accept the pain. MAKE her see. Offer her help in making radical changes. Not diet, not exercise... change of heart and mind. Give her the opportunity.

Or bolt and run. Either she will make it better, or she won't. You will feel better if you make a clean break, instead of a dirty one.

Answer 5

Friend, you gave a big clue when you said you were humiliated by her inability to fit properly in the rides. You are allowing her problems to cause you shame. This means you are looking to her to make you happy and fulfilled. You must do this for yourself. No one outside of yourself will cause you to be happy.

If you can't talk to her about the parts of her life that are affecting you then you need to find a way to work on your communication. This may take counseling.

Infatuations are normal. Don't worry about that. Cheating will not fix your problems, just make them worse.

God bless.

Answer 6

It all depends-do you want to save your marriage or not? If not-then you know what too do. But if you do then discuss the situation with your wife (the fact that she being overweight is causing you not to be happy in the marriage) If she is smart she will not get upset at all. Sign both of you in an athletic club and make it a routine to go work out together. Work with her on changing both of your diets to something healthier.

Answer 7

I beleive in destiny but I still think you have to fight to save your marriage. Especially if you have children.
This ebook is a good resource to understand causes of your marital issues and to learn some important tips --> http://savemarriage.toptips.org

Answer 8

You really need to talk to your wife. Your feelings are valid. If your not happy in the relationship do your both of you a favour and give the marriage a chance by talking about it. Changes can't happen if she doesn't even know how your feeling. You say she doesn't care...well she should care, your her husband.

Answer 9

If your wife is that much overweight she probably has some issues she needs to deal with. You need to talk openly and honestly with her, and of course kindly. If you are serious about helping your marriage you should probably seek couples counseling. It sounds like your infatuation with another woman is really a warning sign that things are wrong in your marriage. Feel free to email me if you want.

Answer 10

You have no business being interested in another woman especially a woman who is related to your wife, you should'nt be embaressed to be seen with her she is your wife you should love her regardless of her size,but if you want her to lose weight trying going for walks with her or trying to change both of your eating habits, I hope everything goes well.