My husband abuses me verbally, emotionally and physically. He has a driver personality. How to deal with him.?

Question

I have three kids all under five years. I am a trained journalist and was working prior to marriage. But right now am financially dependent on him. He belongs to the armed forces. Whenever I try to talk to him I am blamed for starting a fight. I know he wishes to control me. Some say I should stick it out with him for the sake of kids. Others advise to dump him before I turn neurotic. I feel I am at crossroads.

Answer 1

You already know the answer. An abusive male will first make you dependant, then controlled, then abused. He took a self-sufficient woman with training, experience and a career. He ended the career and burdened you with the responsibility of his children.
He's also cut you off from all your friends and family that he could. Probably by moving away. Those that remain, he bad-mouths. And puts you down for having anything to do with them.
Your personal finances are ... essentially bankrupt. You have no significant money to go out on your own, and you have no way of getting any. Correct?
In every respect you are tied to him. Kids, finances, friends, family, career... by now everything is either gone from your life, or tied to him. Correct?
First dependance, then control, then abuse. The stronger the dependancy, the stronger the control and the greater the abuse. The more he gets his hooks in you, the harsher he will act. It is getting worse, not better. Day by day you grow more dependant and less of a woman.
You will not have a better opportunity. There will never be a better time. You will never be more able.... Every day you will get weaker; emotionally, physically, mentally. Friends and family will grow more distant, more frustrated and less helpful. It will get worse, not better.
You are not stupid. You made a mistake. Abusive men are great con artists... at first. They have to lure you in to set the hook; then play you on the line.
Stay for the kids? Is this the father image you want them to have? Do you want your boys emulating him? Your girls looking for that type of guy as a husband? You think this is good for the kids?
You are not stupid. You were decieved by an expert. You made a mistake. Step one is admitting it. So... admit it. Step two is to get out. So... get out. Get out now.
Instead of feeling like a fool for making the mistake, feel smart enough to recognize it. Most don't. Instead of lacking self-esteem by allowing yourself to be brutalized, gain it by refusing that kind of treatment.
There will not be a better time, or a better place. You will not be more prepared. he will not permit that. Get out. Now.

Answer 2

Physical abuse is not tolerable, emotional and verbal abuse are often confusing because of communications skills or lack thereof.
Go to counseling. 1st for yourself, learn how to be more assertive. Then tell him to go with you after you've been doing so for a while.

If he refuses get out. take the kids and go to your folks.

It's pretty common for young couples where one partner works and the other is a stay at home for things like this to come up and it's not the end of the world. Start talking.

Use phrases such as "When you do this, I feel (feeling).." When communicating. Often it is a matter of truly not knowing HOW to communicate on both parties and a good counselor can help facilitate that.

Answer 3

Unfortunately I have been in your shoes to some extent. The best thing you can do for yourself and your children is to get yourself a good job and an attorney. I was in a similar situation with my ex. When I got myself a good job I gave him the boot and filed for divorce. Almost 7 years later I can say it was the best I could have done for me and my kids. He never even showed up for the divorce. It went through by default and we haven't seen him in about 7 yrs. Having said that the only downside is that he is a deadbeat now. He hides from paying child support by working under the table or living off a woman. You mention your hubby is in the military which is good. You would be able to get support without much trouble. Mentioning the abuse would be good with visitation and parental placement if you can prove it. You need a papertrail as far as abuse. He hits you call your local police department. Anything you can use in a courtroom is what you want. Just my two cents but I lived it. I'm lucky I made it out alive and I NEVER blamed myself for his physical abuse that's just a cop out they use to make you inferior.

Answer 4

Nobody should be putting up with abuse. Your husband should protect you and support you not talk down to you and hit you. I don't think your children will benefit from watching their Dad treat their Mom like garbage. It will only set a bad example and ruin their relationships. You are a human being and deserve to be in a loving relationship. Love yourself and take care of yourself! Give yourself a chance to find a man that loves you and be happy. This is the only life you'll ever have and its too short to put up with this. Breaking up a marriage is not easy its emotionally draining. But many women go through it and they survive and so will you. I really suggest you talk to a therapist so you can be strong again emotionally. I wish you the best and please make the right decission.

Answer 5

It should never be you stay with someone just because of the kids. It should be you want do the best for your kids and being in a abusive relationship is not the best for them. They will see daddy being mean to mommy and grow up thinking thats ok. My mom was in a abusive relationship and has been paralyzed from the neck down for almost eleven years because he broke her neck. She wouldn't be like this right now if she would of left him after the first time he hit her. Think about that.

Answer 6

You have the answer already. You don't even have to think about it. Your answer right now is to do nothing. When you have had enough you won't be posting any questions to anyone as to what they think you should do...you will just do it.
When and if you decide to leave you will find all kinds of help and support is out there for you. Don't base the decision to stay because of the children. If things are as bad as it sounds or if they get worse you won''t be doing them any favors by staying.
Good luck and just remember to look both ways before you cross the road!

Answer 7

First of all, Dont stay in the relationship because of the kids. Kids will have a tough time at first, but will understand. Might tell them that u didn't like that way he treated u or the kids and leave it at that. My older brother was in the military. There commanding officer can reprimand him for such things. If you are scared of retaliation from your husband, then tell his commanding officer. He might be able to help. With being his wife, you do have certain rights and privilages under military rules/laws (I do believe). Just remember what happened to the wifes of some soldiers in the alabama area (i think). They were severely hurt or killed. Dont put yourself in that situation just because you want to stay together for the kids. Also, find a counselor or minister to talk to, and for your kids to talk to.

Answer 8

Arrange a meeting with your parents and in-laws and tell them the whole situation an dthat you are going to leave him. If you talk to him about leaving...I'm afraid he will abuse you again. Take your parents or in-laws in confidence and then do the right stuff. Either he has to behave right or else get a job and take care of your kids. You are a journalist you can write about people like that. On one side they are fighting for Iraqi Freedom and on the other hand they are treating their wife like that. SHAME.

Answer 9

You really need to get your husband to agree to some help from A marriage counselor or therapist you should never stay in a situation like that for the kids because it could be harming your children to see their mother being treated in such a very disrespectful manner get help hon or just leave.

Answer 10

You need to get out of the relationship or get some help for the both of you.
If he has anger issues and is willing to get help, you can see a counselor together. You have to decide if it's worth it.
You can't put your kids in danger. If the fighting is hurting them or the resentment you feel for him is causing a problem, you need to just make the decision and follow through with it.

Just DO something!