How long should you stay in a relationship that is killing every ounce of who you are or should be?

Question

I am married to a man who is a hard working, smart individual. He says he loves me very much, but he is killing me inside. He is the type person who is always looking ahead...always trying to plan for the future. While this is a great thing to do, I seem to always get the short end of the stick during the transition. I love being able to stay at home with my kids, but I am ready to go back to work and regain some independence. But every time I try to do this, my ideas seem to get shot down. I am losing faith in myself and spiraling further and further into a depression. We fight all the time and have had problems like this since we got married 4 years ago. Although he always says it's temporary, I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
So I guess my question is, how long is too long? When do I say it's enough?

Answer 1

Honey, you are singing my song. I was in your position only I did work. I knew 5 years into my marriage that I was very unhappy and I convinced myself that I just wasn't trying. He didn't hit me or drink too much or cheat on me. There was no reason to leave, I just wasn't trying hard enough.

I spent another 5 years trying to make myself happy and I ended up leaving 2 months shy of my 10th anniversary. I have been on my own for 4 years now and recently started dating a wonderful man that makes me so happy.

I worked hard to keep the separation and divorce on a civil level for the kids and my kids are doing great. The first step is to realize that if the two of you aren't headed in the same direction, it is better to separate while you can still be friends. If you stay until you hate him it makes it so much worse for your kids.

Good Luck!!

Answer 2

Why not today? Why not tomorrow or a month later or even a year later? The day is not for anyone to determine, it is when you decide it is enough. If you even need to ask how long, then it's been too long.

In my opinion, today would be a good day. I am an independent person too and I married a very great man who understands that I need my independence. If one day we had kids and I was able to stay home, I would not want to stay home because I know I would miss work too much. Maybe it's time to put your foot down. Give him the ultimatum, men usually react to those. Good Luck to you!

Answer 3

How long should you stay in a relationship that is killing every ounce of who you are or should be? Not another second.

However, you have two problems here: 1) You're married, which means you committed to him for life. 2) You have children together. But how healthy is it for the children to witness a marriage in which the wife has little or no say?

Get him alone, and tell him you are tired of his carrot-and-stick games. Tell him that a marriage is made of two people, not one. Tell him that you have a dream, that you shall over come, that you and your people will get to the promised land, and that you are tired of being the second-class spouse.

You and he need marriage counseling, and perhaps separate counseling. You especially need a counselor to encourage you to find and express who you truly are.

Hopefully, your husband loves you enough to learn to respect you and your wants and needs. If he refuses to hear you, if he resumes his carrot-and-stick games, if he resorts to verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, leave, and take the kids with you.

Get counseling no matter what you do. Also, I hope you have, or will find, a church or clergyperson or spiritual advisor who will encourage you to be the true self that God made you to be!

Addendum: I believe in your right to work and to have some independence. However, if working right away isn't feasible, find a hobby, volunteer work, or a class that feeds your soul and expresses your interests and talents. Do this as soon as possible!

Answer 4

Without knowing you and your personality it is tough for anyone to give you a right answer. Those who wrote that marriage is a commitment are correct, but we are in an age that doesn't believe that....and sending someone into depression is never good.
The old saying that with more money comes more stress. I can sympathize with his passion for work, but you must convince him that he is letting his home life slip away from him. If you haven't already say what you have said here. Write him a long letter = forces him to give direct attention to reading it in its entirety.
If that doesn't work then it may be time to make him understand your seriousness of this matter. Take a short trip away from him with your kids to get him thinking about how lonely life would be with out you all. Stay with family or something.
If you have exhausted all that you can, and can really say that you have tried then that is when you can say "its enough" and feel justification in your decision. I hope the best for you.

Answer 5

Hi. I think I am reading that you and your husband are not sharing your goals for your family, yourselves, and your future. The first thing you must do is take some deep breaths, then sit down and write out all the things that are concerning you. Ask your husband to do this too. Don't forget to include the things you like about your life together. Then swap lists and learn something about each other. You may find your husband has the same concerns. Talk softly and listen to each other. You may also need a third party to help you communicate in a more productive way. I don't think you are anywhere near saying "enough". Please don't give up! L

Answer 6

Unfortunately,communication and your happiness is no longer important to him.He would disagree but his actions speak for themselves. The important thing is that you see you have a major problem. Losing your identity will cause you to stay with him forever and continue to be unhappy.That is not good for you or the kids and its not good for him either. You must must must tyake stand very soon and tell him how hw makes you feel. I know what Im talking about because I was that kind of guy many years ago. If you really see no light at the end of the tunnel then it is truly time to get out nicely if possible.The kids need mom and dad to get along wether married or not.

Answer 7

The road you travel is obviously not for you...and you have known it for along time now, its time to find a new direction that will be healthy for your well being, and then settle the differences with your husband....I feel you have bought into the situation your in, alot of the blame is your own fault, but this is not going to resolve anything...Your husband need to hear the spiral your in, whether he listens or understands is questionable, and then you must present him with a plan that can allow you to become a healthier partner than you are right now...I hope you both love each other enough to have faith in one another....this is going to be a huge turn in the road for your marriage...but when it straightens out I believe you both can live happily ever after...good luck..blessings.

Answer 8

regardless of how hard working the guy is or how much money you have.
Have you sat him down and explained your thoughts and feelings.
if not do so as soon as possible.
failing that then the only thing to do is do a trial seperation, if you then decide to get backtogether good but if you realise that the seperation is the best thing to do then filing for divorce may be your best option.

if you've had nothing but fights then seperating as amicably as you can for the sake of the kids is going to be your best option, unless he wants to stay home while you go out to work.

but talk to him calmly if you can get the kids to a sitter and plan a quiet evening in with nothing on the tv or radio etc. so you can talk with no distractions (this means turning off your phones as well)

Answer 9

Had this issue too, sort of. I ended up flat out telling my husband that I NEEDED to go to work because I did not feel human in the current setting. After much debating with him I just went out and did it and now it is almost an issue when I am not working. the situation seemed to reverse once I got out there and we had that extra income. Sometimes you just have to use your own judgement, get your own resources and make it work for yourself. I love my kids but sometimes a job can seem like a daily vacation! YOU NEED THAT!!!!! Go get it! Good luck!

Answer 10

Looks like he is trying to keep you down for one reason or another. If you can find part time work or can work out of your home more power to you. You and your husband need to talk about how you're feeling and find a resolution so that your self esteem does not sink any further. You need to be there for your kids, but you also need to be independent as well.
The timeframe on what's too long is your choice so maybe it's time to move on. You deserve to be happy as well.