What do i need to do to get my wife to want me again?

Question

we've been together for almost 20 years now and we're both in our mid to late 30's. for the last 4 or 5 years shes kind of shyed away from me (even though she says she doesnt think so). we have kids and everything, but it never used to be a problem before. she says she loves me more than ever all the time, but i can never get her to instigate sex between us and im getting tired and bored of being the one who always does instigate it. ive talked about it with her til i cant even say it anymore because its like "beating a dead horse". im lost as to what to do about this anymore... i love her to death, but i dont want to have a dead sex life at this point in my life already...

thanks everyone... alot of good answers! believe me, the sex isnt the only thing. we are both very much "into" one another, but we've tried almost everything that you all have written -- about the only thing we havent isnt counseling. maybe that will have to be the next route. we've always been very open with each other about everything, so im a little leary about telling someone else our problems -- we've always felt we could work any problem ourselves -- and we pretty much have, but this one seems to be the biggest one we've had and neither one of us can figure out an answer... thanks everyone.

Answer 1

I'm much older than you and I know exactly what you're talking about. My first marriage had similar ingredients. I personally think when it comes to sex, it's not unusual for two people to shift to different levels of interest as they and their marriage age. I always had the higher sex drive and it led to many difficult times and just when we though it was all worked out, it wasn't. If one person loses interest, aside from some sort of medication I don't see how that can be remedied. Even counseling (to me) doesn't cause a person to be more in the mood. But I would nevertheless consider counseling or professional intervention because if for no other reason, you haven't tried it and it may lead to a solution you and she never thought of before.

Answer 2

With her focus on the kids and all at this stage of your lives, it's pretty normal to cut back. You need to give her compliments, tease her during the day and plan a weekend away here & there. Find some sexy lingerie for her, toys, whatever it takes. Find out what turns her on, if the kids are gone, go after her and ravish her sometime and see if she likes it (consider her general mood at that point). Maybe the way you touch her is turning her off, check her body language when you make love and be sensitive to her needs, foreplay, etc. Some women don't feel sexy when the kids are in the next room making noise, crying or whatever. Sometimes a peaceful cabin or resort might do the trick and don't stop trying. Treat her to a housekeeper once a month and take advantage of that evening since she won't be so tired. Take the kids to grandma's overnight. Be sure you're in shape, have good hygiene and do things to keep yourself attractive as well. Inquire more about her interests outside of the family to stimulate her intellectually if she's into that. No one likes anyone that never learns anything new or doesn't have opinions about the world at large. If none of that works-consider she may have some built-up resentment you're not aware of - start listening carefully. Flowers and gifts won't work if there are serious resentments. Then use counseling if you're getting no where. Marriage is work/commitment too. Good thing you care to improve it, and she will have to contribute as much of the effort as well.

Answer 3

OK well, this is a tough one but I'll give it a shot. 1. she may be the type that thinks the MALE is supposed to ask first ALL the time for fear of rejection, 2. stress with the kids/job, but your not looking for a source just some answers. OK compliment her on various things through out the day/eve., watch tv and spoon; caress her arms, back, legs, hip. Speak softly in her ear stroke her hair/neck be sensual not sexual ( I know it's a fine line) and talk about her day while ya do it. Give little kisses too. Women are aroused by many things; touch, smell, conversation, etc. Make her feel special, do little things to make her smile. I feel it is always the little things that matter most. So your like being loving and affectionate but not saying hey let's get it on. Hopefully before you know it she will drag ya bed or if the kids aren't around who knows where!! But alas every woman is different. You may have to tinker with technique to let her know it's ok if you want me I'm here vibe. PS counseling isn't always the answer; you go & pay someone to listen to your issues, they know NOTHING about you, throw out judgements, and half aren't even married. So you wind up even more upset and got another bill to boot. You know her more then some shrink you've been together for 20 years, try and do it yourself. If you fall off the horse ya get back on.

Answer 4

Try to remember how it was and what you did for her. Do some of those things again. Buy her flowers, pay attention to how she decorates the house(we women express ourselves in our homes), buy her chocolate or her favorite perfume, take her out for romantic dinners and to movies. After all those years you know what she likes and what she hates---so go for what she likes.

Buy yourself her favorite men's cologne and wear that, shave your beard if you didn't have one back then, if you gained weight join a gym and work on that---but also, make a point that she knows where you are at--even better, invite her to join the membership. Do things together with her. When you have conversations about things, turn the tv off and listen to her. Give her feedback and repeat what she says as a question if you are not sure what she is trying to tell you. Give her hugs and tell her that you love her. A lot of times after getting married people fail to tell each other how they loved each other, and they also fail at showing enough affection. All this should help you to re-ignite the fire. Be open with her and let her know that you miss that part and would love to be more romantic. I really think that trying to change some of the routine and having an open and honest conversation about it will help you to re-establish what you are looking for.

Answer 5

She may have a lower sex-drive due to hormone changes and/or imbalances that can happen in the mid-thirties, especially after having kids. Go to her to talk with her doctor about it. They can do some hormone tests to see if she has a lowered sex drive because of decreasing hormones. If she is willing, she can also get low-dose testosterone injections which help boost the female sex-drive if there arent' any other physical reasons for her to be this way.

You may also consider counseling for both of you. There is a chance that there is an emotional reason she is not feeling it.

You also have to keep in mind that women do not "need" sex, they "need" intimacy and closeness. Give her what she needs instead of looking for sex, then maybe she'll return the favor. Maybe she feels like she is fulfilling your needs, but you aren't fulfilling hers. Do you listen to her? Do you ask her about her day and her life? (with genuine interest) Do you do little things for her to remind her you are thinking about her? Maybe she feels she has a dead emotional life with you. Spice that up a little and that will transfer into other areas of your life.

You will figure it out, don't give up on her. Best wishes.

Answer 6

Go out on dates with her, make arrangements for child care and on a regular basis make time for just the two of you. It might take time, but this could really bring the two of you back to having a relationship outside of the kids, home and work. If things are awkward at first, you could try going out on double dates with some mutual friends, or joining a bowling league together, something like that. Just to get to know eachother again on a romantic level. Bring some fun back into the marriage. The sex life will likely heat up after that.

Answer 7

Hmm u really should talk to her about this, else u might end up having an affair to satisfy your sexual needs. What does she like? Maybe u 2 need soemthing new to spice up your sex life, or try n remember what u did to turn her on in the past, or how u wooed her n set the mood for sex. Relive those memories. Or mayb she could just b plain tired, try and find a day when her workload is not so stressful.

Answer 8

Every marriage has to have a good sexual base to be successful, it may not be the most important part but it is necessary. Explain your sexual frustration to your wife. I have heard that a lot of women get bored with sex as they get older and that probably some men turn to younger women.

If your wife still loves you, and she should, then she would understand that you still want and need her and expect her to feel the same for you.

Try to bring back the youth into your lovelife- the spontaneous and wild romatic sort of love. Not the boring, missionary, for pro-creationonly sex, but the vibrant, I just want you sex!!!

Good luck.

Answer 9

Maybe you could suggest going to 'couple counselling'? your wife may not realise quite how badly you feel about the situation, and a professional counsellor could help you both face it in a neutral environment. If she won't agree, you could always go by yourself and discuss these issues and possible strategies for making you feel more satisfied in your marriage. I hope you manage to find a solution which you are both happy with, and hope your wife knows how important your entire marriage (not just the sex part) is to you. Have you told her that??

Answer 10

First of all be affectionate without any strings attached. Women want to be loved for themselves and not just for sex. Women like to be romanced also.

Next be helpful around the house. With household chores and children to contend with, she just might be too tired.

Be willing to listen to her. Be receptive to what she has to say. After dealing with kids all day, she needs an adult ear. Love her unconditionally. See her as the most beautiful woman on the earth.

There is a verse in Scripture that says "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her." Practice sacrificial love for your wife without expecting anything in return.

I have been married for 32 years, and I still see my wife as the most beautiful, gorgeous woman there is.