I just found out I married a child molester!?

Question

I have been married for nine years and have three children. I just found out my husband has been lying to me the whole time! I just found out accidentally (I opened a piece of mail addressed to him) that 13 years ago he molested an 11 year old girl. I am shocked the person I know him to be would never do this. Now since I know I notice him looking at girls of this age range in the mall and such. My friend thinks I need to leave him I do to but then I feel guilty. When I told him I knew and how I found out he was very upset and cried. Now I don't know what to believe and what not to. I an so confussed. I have three children with him and fear for them. They are boys do you think he would molest them ? Do you think I should leave? Help!!

update: o.k this might answer some of your questions , He was 28 , he went to jail for two days, it went to court and he is now a level one registered sex offender. And he now admits all of this. I knew none of this when I married him. I am now 30 and he is 40.

Answer 1

some people do change............just watch ur son.....

maybe he make a mistake and never do it again for his life.......

should he be a register sex offenders?

Answer 2

You have been married to him for 9 years and appear to have 3 children with him, and you did not mention anything about any such problems occuring within your family. What I think is very important to know is how old you and he are to determine when this happened before you take any drastic steps. After all, it seems that he has not given you any reason to be suspicious in 9 years---so how old was your husband when he got accused of having molested that 11 year old? And next, is it an accusation that has never gone any further because of lack of evidence or is it an accusation that has to go to court? We all have to be careful not to read more than there is---you might notice a different way of looking at the girls in your husband because you read that into it because of this knowledge. If you had little problems in your marriage then you should listen to your husbands side of the entire story before you make any decision and be careful not to judge him upfront. What if he was 16 at that time and the girl was 11? I have personally witnessed things girls from middle school do(i.e., they practice giving blow jobs in middle school so that they know what they are doing later in high school, they dress like adult women). I mean, it is crucial to allow your husband his own defense.

Once you know his side of the story and all the facts(go about researching the given facts and compare them to what your husband tells you), then you can make a better judgement of this situation and decide accordingly. Not everyone accused of moletation is a molester.

Answer 3

Wow that is a huge secret to keep. You should not feel guilty for your feelings. Obviously your husband has been hiding a side of himself from you. I do not think a child molester will change, especially if he hasn't gotten help. Most child molesters are attracted to a certain gender, so your boys are most likely ok. However you need to consider how your children will feel when the find out as adults that dad did something like this. I personally would not stay with a man capable of sexually abusing a child. His looking at girls at the mall tells me he is still deviant in this area. I am sorry this has happened to you but I don't think your husband has changed from 13 years ago. He may be better at hiding it now having been caught once. Ultimately it is your decision, however I would think of what would you do if he were arrested tomorrow for molesting a child, that may be something that is in your future if you stay with this man. Good luck, I am sorry for your problems. Do not feel guilty for anything, this is something your husband did, do not let him manipulate you into feeling like you are at fault if you no longer want to be with him.

Answer 4

Not judging however he has carried that secret that obviously he knew that would effect what he REALLY LOVES(you,kids),nobody wants to reveal the ugly side.I don't agree with molesters however he hasn't molested anyone so far has he?Ok then.you said you told him so the cats out the bag,now he's ashamed again,to make matters so much better!!!,you TOLD your(FRIENDS)which will now automatically turn you into the " "to those same FRIENDS!!!BAD DECISION TO TELL FRIENDS.You should tell him that if he has desires like that still then DIVORCE.What are you GUILTY for you're not the molester!!!RU??So IF I WAS YOU,I too would be shocked,however you also have more freedoms to express EXACTLY what/how you feel.TELL HIM NOT FRIENDS oh wait you already did that!!!Love is rare if you LOVE HIM then you gotta LOVE the whole person and whatever comes with,if not DIVORCE plain and simple.13 years ago,damn chill out channel him another route *&%$#@# him more!!!!Embarass him when you "CATCH" him looking at those girls or something use the power you've got of "knowing".What the hell's he looking at 11yr olds when he has a beautiful?,smart? wife?If you leave maybe he'll turn depressed(highly likely!)and turn back to that sickness.!!(Highly likely)!!I noticed you said he was "very upset and he cried,those are reactions resulting from being ashamed of your sins.!!Remember that WE ALL WILL BE JUDGED ACCORDING TO OUR ACTS!!!I tink when you told your friends that autoescalated everything bad bad girl!!!

Answer 5

This offender needs to get more honest about what really happened. Clarification exercises for Sexual Offenders

Clarification help’s the offender understand the damage he created and to accept full responsibility for his offense. Clarification can be done formally but more importantly is part of the ongoing process where the disorder wants to project responsibility outward and discount the consequences to others and the role of treatment is to correct these inaccuracies and help the offender not reoffend.


Goal of Clarification: The offender will be able to sincerely explain

He created a victim by committing the offense. All the offending and build up behaviors are clearly defined as wrong with no minimization or distortion.

No other persons had a role in the creation of the offense, not his wife, not his boss, and not society. The offender has 100% responsibility. The offenders will not defend their offense by focusing on the behaviors of others.

The offense as the victim reported , with no minimization of physical intrusiveness, force, duration, or frequency.

The emotional, physical and psychological trauma done to the victim, victim’s family, victim’s friends, and professionals (i.e.: secondary victimization of police, therapists, prosecutors, and CPS workers who have exposure to the toxic event via the offender, victim or case material)

The systems/communities response to the crime was fully justified, the offender is not a victim of any police DA’s, society, probation, lawyers, act.

The cognitive, behavioral and emotional states which lead to the offense

What occurred before an offense, like “grooming” (manipulation, trickery, bribes) and leverage (threats, coercion, force), abuses of power/authority/trust.

History of deviant thinking, fantasy, behavior.

Why the victim (as opposed to other potential victims) was chosen by the offender

The emotional and psychological wants the offender was attempting to obtain through the offense.

Identification of appropriate alternative behaviors to replace the offense.

Effects on the victim including future harm to sexuality, relationships, values, trust, educational and work achievement.

Any current retaliation fantasies against victim, victims parents, those who reported abuse, ex-wife, CPS, probation officer, Judge, prosecutor- and how these show displacement of responsibility for the consequences of his behavior.

Any substance abuse issues, like need for abstinence, meetings, ect

How the offender lied to, manipulated, and abused other individuals in a non-sexual manner to achieve the offense.

Answer 6

Whether or not it was a mistake 13years ago or however much you think he might have changed you will always have this doubt and worry in your head. Would you really be comfortable going out and leaving him alone with the kids?? Could you honestly live a normal family life when you're constantly watching him around your children?? If anything bad did happen you would spend the rest of your life blaming yourself for not leaving. Your life will never get back to the way it was before you found out about him so I really think it would be best for you and your children to leave him. Put you and your children's safety first before your feelings for this man.

Answer 7

I think you need to sit down and have a long talk with your husband and find out exactly what happened. Not that it should be forgotten what he did, but people do change. Maybe he has. Use your own judgement....go by your heart....If you love him and you think the marriage is worth it then try and work it out....But if you have fears he might do it again then by all means leave him...but if he hasn't done it in the nine years you have been married he probally wont do it again. He should have been honest with you from the start and things might have been different....Sometimes we hide things from loved ones cuz we are scared that they wont understand. In reality if we are honest with them from the start so much can be avoided...Good Luck whatever your decision may be

Answer 8

The problem is that you just don't know. It took 13 years to discover this one MAJOR fact about him. What else has he not told you? What have the boys not told you?

There is no right answer. If you leave and he would have been the ideal father for the boys then they lose. If you stay and something happens then you will never forgive yourself.

Get professional help for the entire family. Monitor the situation closely. It will not be easy.

Answer 9

ok first of all, i feel very sorry for you because i know it must be hell for you right now. find out all the details, when did this happen, why and who did he molest. did he go to jail, did he go to counceling? im no one to gudge anyone so im not gonna disrespect him, but molesting or raping someone is one of the worst thinngs that someone could do, especially to an innocent child. i was molested when i was 7 yrs old by my sisters boyfriend. and thank god that i did not let it affect me. now even though people are gonna say he is sick, and honestly his actions in the past are sick, but has he changed, we all make mistakes even if some are worse then others, we all deserve a chance to be forgiven, and if he has not shown any signs of him doing it again, then i suggest that if you truly love him you two should go see a counselor. because this is gonna cause alot of insecurities on your behalf, having to worry about him doing it again. i wish you the best of luck, and if you need someone to talk to that will not judge you or your family then email me.

Answer 10

Leave him! That 11 year old little girl could have been one of your children. What are you waiting for him to molest one of your children? I don't think that it is worth waiting around to see if he will do it. Get packed, get the kids, get a restraining order, and get out. Go far away so that he can't find you.

Answer 11

Talk to your children and find out if he has ever done anything of the sort to make them uncomfortable. Tell them that they can tell you the truth and that if he has threatened them you won't let anything happen. Leave...yes...leave....men like that don't change. It is so scary...think of your children! Take them to a therapist and a doctor...they may be too scared to tell you if anything has happened. Somethings you just DONT take chances on. You said it your self that you have caught him looking at little girls in the mall at that age group. That is sick.