Give Me Some Jokes! Please No Fowl Language?

Question

Person Who Gives Me the most wins ten points

I Put This In The Beauty and style department Because There was No Humor Place and This department has mostly girls.

Answer 1

No "fowl" language, huh? Guess that does away with "Why did the chicken cross the road?" LOL

Answer 2

1. you so ugly, when you look in the mirror your reflection ducks!

2. your mama so fat when i slept wit her instead of giving me aids she gave me high cholesterol.

3. your mama so fat she dj's for the ice cream truck.

4. your mama so fat and hairy when she takes a shower she looks like gorrilla in the mist.

5. your'e so poor your mama put 3 peas on the table and when you took one she slapped your hand and said don't get greedy

6. Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley were in their hotel room when Lisa told M.J to take off her shirt. He did, then she told him to take off her pants and he did, next she told him to take off her underwear,and then her bra. Lisa then turned to Michael and said, Now don't ever wear my clothes again!!!

7. your so poor i saw you dragging a can down the street and when i asked what you were doing you said you were moving.

8. There are 3 men in hell a white guy, black guy, and a mexican guy. one day the devil tells them to go to earth and get him a pretty girl and he'll let them go to heaven. So the men do what they're told and when the men return the devil tells them he lied and he is going to melt off their penises with his hand, so he burns off the white and mexican guys penis, but when he gets to the black guys penis it wouldn't melt. The devil asks him why his penis won't melt and he replies " chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hand!!!!!"

9. one day a woman decided to spice up her sex life so she went to a Victoria's Secret and bought a pair of crotchless underwear. So that night she put them on toshow her husband and said "do you want some of this," he turned to her and said,"hell no, look at what it did to those panties."

10. there is a plane that is about to crash and there are 5 people on it. the pilot, a doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and a little boy. There are only 4 parachutes. The first to jump out of the plane is the pilot he grabs a parachute and tells the rest to get off the plane is going to crash. second to jump was the doctor he grabs a parachute and he tells the rest that he saves lives so he has to live. Next was the lawyer and he says he is the smartest man in the world so he must also live, and he grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. now there is only1 parachute left, the priest hands the little boy the last parachute and says, " I've lived my life you take it." The boy hands the parachute back to the priest and says, " It's okay father the smartest man in the world just grabbed my back pack."

11. Why did the blonde get fired from the m&m factory? Because she ate all the w's

I know the last one is kind of corney but still amusing. maybe? I'd give you more, these are the only clean jokes I could think of.

Answer 3

Ok. Well I actually have a couple.
Read all of them!
I luv blonde jokes so here are a couple!
1:A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.
He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded the blonde "stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!". He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

2:Q: Why did the blonde die in a helicopter crash?
A: She got cold and turned off the fan.
i knew a blone who was soo dumb she.....

put m & ms in alphabetical order

starved in a grocery store

called me to get my phone number

was looking in the phone book for the number of 1-800-flowers

tried to drown a goldfish

when she heard that 90% of robberies occur around the home she moved

on her way to the airport she say a sign that said airport left so she turned around

she spent 20 min staring at a ketchup bottle becaues it said concentrate

she put lipstick on her forhead because she wanted to make up her mind

she sentme a fax with a stamp on it

she thought a quarter back was a refund

she tripped over a cordless phone

took a ruler 2 bed 2 see how long she slept

asked 4 a price check @ the dollar store

studied 4 a blood test

thought meow mix was a cd 4 cats

when she missed the 44 bus she took the 22 bus twice!
3:There are three women in front of a mirror. A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. A man walks up to them and says that if they lie in front of the mirror, they will disappear(get zapped?). The brunette goes up to the mirror and says "I am a virgin." She disappears. The redhaed goes up to the mirror and says "I am a college graduate." She disapears. The blonde goes up to the mirror and says "I think.." She disapears.

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
4:Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up ... you're next!"

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground.
Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

A blonde gets on a elevator and a man is standing there and she turned and smiled at him and said; "Hi.....T.G.I.F." " S.H.I.T. " replied the man "Excuse me...how rude T.G.I.F." responded the blonde "S.H.I.T." replied that man "Maybe you don't know what I am saying, T.G.I.F means Thank Goodness It's Friday!" " You didn't understand me, S.H.I.T ....."Sorry honey, it's Thursday

5: There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head on an island 30 miles away from shore. The red-head swam out 15 miles before she got tired and drowned. The brunette swam out 20 miles before she got tired and drowned. The blonde swam out 29 miles and then said"I'm tired." So she swam all the way back.

6:A blonde went into a store and asked the manager"How much is that television" the manager said "you can't have it" and the blonde said "why" the manager replied "because your a blonde" So she went and died her hair brown. The next day she went back and asked"How much is that television" the manager said "you can't have it" and the blonde(well now brunnette) said "why" the manager replied "because your a blonde" So she went and died her hair red. The next day she went back and asked "How much is that television" the manager said "you can't have it" and the blonde said "why" the manager replied "because your a blonde" So then she said to the manager"how do you know I'm blonde" And he replied "because that's not a television. It's a toaster oven"

Hope that will do it!

Answer 4

OK there was two boys and they where late to school when the first boy came in the class room the teacher said why where u late and the boy said i was on top of blue berry hill she said OK and told him to take a seat the second boy came in and she asked y where u late and he said i was on top of blue berry hill then she said OK take a seat then a girl came in and the teacher ask y where u late and before the girl could say anything the teacher said let me guess u where on top of blue berry hill and the girl said no i am blue berry hill

Answer 5

here's a cute one lol

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load

of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on

his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts,

which he gratefully munches up.


After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.


When she is about to hand him another batch

again he asks the little old lady,

" why don't you eat the peanuts yourselves?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth",

she replied.


The puzzled driver asks,

"Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied,

"We just love the chocolate around them."

Answer 6

This is a beauty section not joke section. Get real!!

Answer 7

2 pigs fell in the mud...3 came out.

Answer 8

♥do you got hair?ok then stay there...
♥i dont know anymore but are these sposed to be hair or style jokes

Answer 9

A Jamaican man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he
passes a
little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using
numbers,
represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds
to draw
three trees.
What's this?" the boss asks
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the
Jamaican.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use
the same
rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the
picture that
he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
>>The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that
represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree, and
dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to
hire this
Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again,
but
represent the number 100."
The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the
picture again
and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you
go. One
hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of
each tree
and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now
you got
dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a
turd,
which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"
------------------------------...
The Good Napkins

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions."

Now fast forward a few months .... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"
------------------------------...
Spaghetti
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
------------------------------...
Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"


So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"


The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.




St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.



The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Answer 10

an Anthropophagus travels USA & died
because there is nothing to eat