Marriage and Mother-in-Law, where do i draw the line.?

Question

My mother-in-law is trying to plan my wedding. Its a large wedding and she thinks that she is going to make all these plans. We are having our reception at this beautiful place. Ok its expensive but shes paying for it. I feel like she should be the one getting married. Its not a money thing both me and my fiance make really good money and can afford this place but she is making me feel like i am not good enough that the church i picked isnt good enough. Everytime i try to talk to her she shrugs it off and goes back to planning. HELP ME my mother in law wont stop. I personally think she is crazy.

Answer 1

Been here. And I ended up in counseling over it. Your Husband to be needs to step in and take his place as your confidant and protector and that includes emotional protection form family especially his own mother. You need to set up boundaries and he has to be the one to do it since it is his family. You are in a good position to be able to afford your wedding on your own if feeligns get hurt enough that they bow out of their traditional obligation. He needs to set his mother straight and remind her that it is your day not hers and he would appreciate it if she would accept with an open mind his wife to be's ideas and be willign and able to make suggestions but take rejection. She need to be willign to help when you call on her but to do things your way not hers even if it the craziest thing she ever heard of it is your day- better you cry about your own mistakes than to be able to blame your new mother in law- not a good beginning to family get togethers. Trust me on this one. Get your man in front- I wish I had the balls to do jsut that when my mother attacked my new bride. 8 yrs later they fight like cats and dogs. Its all abotu learing new boundaries and roles. Good Luck

Answer 2

Write her a letter and tell her to read it when she's alone. She'll have time to digest what you're saying and if that doesn't work talk to her with your fiancee around. She's just excited but she has to know her place. She's done it already, this is your first time and explain that you only have the wedding of your dreams once. Maybe that will help. When all else fails call an exorcist and exercise the demons. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Answer 3

i think your mother in law probably has your best interests at heart but is getting carried away with the occasion,,she wants the best day possible for her son and you but does not think she is doing wrong(maybe)
talk to your mother in law in the presence of your husband to be ,, and tell her whilst you appreciate her help it is your big day and you would like to decide on the important issues together,,however you would appreciate her input and guidance but the final decision must be yours and not hers,
hopefully it will be resolved without any bad feeling,,
also don't forget everyone gets on edge about weddings and people seem to let small things bother them that normally would play no significant part.
be strong but respectfull and perhaps deli-gate a certain task required for a successful wedding to her personally,,tell her its very important to you both and you would be delighted if she could complete the task for you,,
that way she will feel she is making an important contribution and that she is a big player in the arrangements..
good luck to the three of you,,lol
PS tell her the honeymoon is for you and your husband only and (no)she cant come


have a very special day i am sure it will be great

Answer 4

It's your decisions that count --- if you want to be taken seriously --- then take control - make the selections that suit you and him... Since the mother-inlaw won't listen - tell her you and her son plan to elope if she doesn't stop the high handed tactics ---- your opinion matters and she hasn't any right to question or cancel your choices for your own wedding!
Let her know that you are capable of standing up for yourself --- some mother-inlaws want the daughter-inlaws to be submissive to their ruling .... when it comes to your wedding and the marriage - her role falls into the support category--- be respectful .

Answer 5

First, she makes you feel inadequate. Not just that you aren't good enough, but that you're not strong enough to stand up to her... that you're not experienced enough to second-guess her... that you're not secure enough that if hubby was forced to choose, he'd choose you... right?

The wedding is not the issue here. It is merely the excuse. You are locked in a struggle for dominance with an Alpha female. It's not about the wedding to her. It's about control. Dominance. If she can win on "your special day", then she can win in your marriage. And that's exactly what she intends. She wants to be the "significant female" in hubby's life. She'll do that by forcing you into her mold.
She'll use money, his natural affection, your politeness and curtesy... any tool in the chest to win. She may be rude, or very polite. Openly hostile, or quietly critical. The method is irrelevant. The goal is dominance. And you're letting her win.

Don't ask him to make a choice. He doens't have to. You do.

Her arguments, rationalization... all of it is a means to manipulate and control. Your only weapon is a singe word. "No." Simply say no. You don't explain, you just decide. You are in control. not her. When she explains, argues, etc. understand that is manipulation. You win by not playing the game. You reply "I understand what you're saying, but I don't want to do it that way." Period. She suggests, you say no. She argues, you don't. You're polite, but... YOU ARE IN CONTROL. She'll be pissed, but she'll get the message. You win here.

Answer 6

You and your fiance need to be together on this one. This is going to set the pattern for your future dealings with this woman. You should BOTH sit down with her and have a serious talk. You need to let her know you appreciate her willingness to help (and even give her a couple of things to be in charge of), but explain this is YOUR wedding, and you want to do the majority of the planning. You don't want to start out fighting with your future MIL, but you also don't want her to think she can continue to run your life.

Answer 7

holymell you GALOOT! That is the best answer to be given, it IS the answer to all questions. Get your head out of the sand! Now to the question at hand: You should draw it very CLEARLY! MILs have a way of butting in where they don't belong. This woman is now your family! More family to you now than your mother! YES ITS TRUE. Your mother is not your nuclear family anymore she is now considered "extended" family! Wife 1st, Mother 2nd but always treat your mom well!

Answer 8

You should go on with your plans and forget about her. Have you talked to your fiance about this?? You should, if he doesn't side with you, then I would seriously think about getting into this family, because it won't be any different after the ceremony. Stand up for yourself and don't let her bully you. It is YOUR wedding, after all. Good luck.

Answer 9

My mother in law and my mom tried to plan my wedding too. But we gave them 2 weeks notice on purpose and had a small casual wedding. We also told them "This is what we want....." It helps to communicate things out. You dont want built up resentment later on. If you can, tell them what you want and say when you renew your vows we can do it your way, or suggest that she renews her vows her way. Or you could elope, but that is not always the best way to go about it. You and your fiance should BOTH talk to your mother in law about what you want. This is YOUR wedding, not hers.

Answer 10

Be firm about it, but at the same time act like you want every one to be happy. See what she has to say..and develop your own ideas form ther. Tell her that she can help but not run the show in a good way, but like I said be firm. If there are compromisise to be done there should be from her part, thats if she wants to be a part of the wedding.