I just found out that my husband had a vasectomy without my knowledge?

Question

I had been trying to get pregnant for over a year. I couldn't figure out why I wasn't pregnant yet.I'm only 24 yo. I went to a reproductive specialist...absolutely nothing wrong with me. After thousands of dollars have been spent...he finally confessed. Question is do I stay or go? It really means alot to me to have a second biological child.

Answer 1

I think the two of you need to talk it out. He clearly doesn't want more children. Why not? You need that question answered. Also is he cheating? (he might have gotten fixed so he wouldn't end up with suprises)

His underhandedness is a big problem but before passing judgement, you really need to know why he did it, and why he lied.
It could be as simple as not wanting kids and not having the courage to break your heart, or it could be as complicated as him feeling he's a bad father or not seeing a long term future with you (in which case another child complicates things).

Maybe he even has a genetic illness he didn't know about before that he doesn't want to pass on.

You just don't have enough info yet to make a choice. So get to the root of the problem, THEN you can take that information as well as whether or not you can live a happy life without another biological child (incidentally, you could adopt or have the vasectomy reversed).

So...take a deep breath and get past the hurt and seek out the truth first.

Then you can make an informed decision.

Answer 2

Wow, your question is really too personal for a forum like this. I'm surprised that the urologist that performed the vasectomy did it without including you in the process. In my state, that is grounds for a malpractice lawsuit based on your reproductive loss. And your husband not telling you about it is another really sticky area. Was he afraid of you? Did he just not want any kids and didn't want to lose you? I think that you and he need some long discussions as to why he betrayed you and didn't have the "balls" (pardon the pun) to tell you what he did.

I never recommend ending a marriage when you share a child but I would find it hard to ever trust him again.

Answer 3

Oh gosh. That's a very tough situation. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know for me, personally, that would be reason enough to leave. A family has always been very important to me as well and I don't think I could stay with a man that didn't want children.
If I were you, I would ask him if he would consider having the vasectomy reversed. If so, try to look into getting it reversed. And if he refuses, you may have to give him an ultimatum. Good luck.

Answer 4

My husband had a vasectomy. It was a hard decision we BOTH made, and now regret. By him sneaking around and doing it, then letting you spend THOUSANDS for no reason, he has shown you what kind of person he is. Tell him it hurt yoy deeply to find that out. And he has 6 months to get a reversal or you'll give him divorce papers. The amount of children you have is a joint decision, not one for him to make alone. By doing that, he undermined any bit of trust ya'll have. That was so selfish of him to do and not tell you! Its not as if your family size is out of control. You only have one child! On the other hand, you could always offer to keep him, but get artificially inseminated. That way you'll get your second child. But he might be mean to it since its not his. You have alot to think about!

Answer 5

There are two STRONG opposing positions here...
He has gone to the extreme to make sure he doesn't Father more children...
You have gone to the extreme trying to get help to conceive during the past year...
There in lies the problem... Either you must change your desires or he must change his... (in some cases the Vasectomy may be reversed...) What he has done will forever live in your mind...
The question is who is willing to make the other happy... If he will not at least try, then you should think about moving on... At this point in time you can never forgive him...

Answer 6

Wow, I feel bad for you, what deception. He must really ask your forgiveness. It may be a tough one to get through. Why did he decieve you?? Letting you go through all the testing? I guess if you REALLY love him, I mean you re married and it is forever, maybe some good counselling for both of you can help save the marriage. Personally if it was me, I guess I would try the counselling, but I would have a really hard time with forgiving him, assuming you have had a good marriage all the while.
Good luck...

Answer 7

Did he have the vasectomy after you were married or before. Timing is everything. If you really love him you will feel fulfilled without another child. If you don't then this big secret hasn't been the only thing between the two on you.

Answer 8

I think you need some marriage counseling to find out why he kept this from you, and allowed you to undergo all those expensive and maybe invasive tests without telling you!

I would have to think long and hard about staying....not because of wanting more children, but because of the loss of trust.

If he lied about something this important, what else did he lie about?

And yes....omiting the truth when you know it, is the same as a lie.

Answer 9

To me that indicates a HUGE lack of trust in you on his part. Did he say why he didn't tell you? What did he say when you talked about having children? Obviously there are some deeper issues in your relationship than just the pregnancy issue.

Trust is one of the most important things in a marriage. Without trust, you have no marriage.

Answer 10

That's wrong, he should have told you that he was planning on doing that, even if he told you right after he had it done. The fact that he left you spend that much money instead of telling you is a double no!!! Without communication, there is no marriage.