When it come to the children, does she tell you who the kids can be around and where they can go, and EXACTLY what time to pick them up and drop the moff? do you share that responisibilty, or do you always pick up and drop off? do you ever pay her bills even after you pay child support. When she pisses you off do you take it put on your new lady? do you have a say in important decision such as the school the kids go to or how they dress?
How long does it take for a grown man to stop taking orders from his EX WIFE?
2006-07-11 03:57:42 · 13 answers · asked by ladyjno7 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
12 years of experience as a divorce attorney and 10 years of personal experience talking here:
It's not about the kids. She's not concerned about their environment, or his care, or yours, or any of that. It's about control. She loves the power she has to still tell him what to do, where to go, etc. The kids, money, etc. is just a means she uses to exercise that control. When she pisses him off she goes home with a smug little grin, knowing he'll take that frustration out on you. She gets all the benefits of being in control, while you suffer all the consequences, right?
Your husband needs to realize a couple of things. First, that all of her behavior is manipulation and control. Her rationalizations about the kids, etc. is just that. She's exploiting his vulnerabilities to get to him. Second, he needs to understand that when they are in his custody, they aren't her kids. They're his. Period. HE HAS CUSTODY. HE DECIDES. PERIOD. If she wants any say in what happens when the kids are with him, tell her to get a court order. Be that blunt. Cut off not only her control, but her access to information. Knowledge is power. She has no right to know what you are up to as a family when the kids are there.
Regarding money, she gets the child support. Nothing more. Ever. If she wants more, tell her to get a court order. Period. If a judge didn't order it, she doesn't have a right to it. The extras he gives directly to the kids. He hands them the money, not her. He pays the school, the camp, the whatever while with the kids. They understand the support is fulfilling his duty, and the extras are a gift of love.
Your husband may need to grow a pair (of balls) to make this happen. Telling him that won't help. He's got to have the self-esteem necessary to stand up to a controlling, manipulative B**** who knows all his weaknesses and will ruthlessly exploit them. Men get virtually all their self esteem from two areas: career (symbolizing success in the struggle for survival) and sex (symbolizing success in the struggle for procreation). Don't tell him he's weak. Show him he's strong. Tell him you see those qualities in him. Spend some time not being concerned about money. Let him think he's the mighty hunter and great provider... Boost his self-esteem. Don't tell him what he's doing wrong, show him what she's doing wrong.
The man you love is under attack by a vicious predator. Help or hurt, your choice. Choose wisely.
2006-07-11 04:37:12 · answer #1 · answered by antirion 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Read "The Enlightened Stepmother" by Perdita Norwood as a first step.
Realize there are things you cannot control in this relationship.
Find out what power the ex is holding over your man - is it visitation ("if you don't do exactly what I say, you'll never see your kids again!")? Is it child support ("I'll call the support agency and have a warrant issued!")?
does he know what his rights are? (my husband's ex used to have him running scared mostly because she acted like she knew what the legal rules were, but was making them up to browbeat him into submission. Boy was she pissed off when I showed him what the REAL laws were!)
Read his divorce papers - some of that stuff (who does pickup/drop off, and visitation schedules) should be spelled out in the divorce/custody papers. SHOW them to your man, and ask him why his ex is allowed to modify a court order?
His ex has castrated him. It takes a while, and gentle encouragment from you, for him to get his balls back from her. But it can be done.
2006-07-11 11:06:05 · answer #2 · answered by voxwoman 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Antirion is absolutely correct!! I told my DH the same thing. I went through this hell for some years, had enough, got him a lawyer, got his rights in writing, no longer hold on him. It is the whole control thing. I was tired of the "if i say this or do this she won't let me see the children." So, I said get a freaking lawyer and get your rights as their father on paper and nothing she can do after that. She hates that he "grew balls!" She hates that he married a woman that knows her steps before she makes them, she hates that I have showed him the light, she hates that he no longer is a doormat under her feet. Don't get me wrong, it will never end. Just when things are going great don't get comfortable-the sh** is about to hit the fan! Mark my word! She was/is very controlling, manipulative, and compulsive liar. We have proof of it all. Always keep documentation of "everthing" she does because someday you will need it!! If you don't have proof of what she has/is doing-your screwed! BTW-my children(<-his/I say are mine too) are the best kids. I have had the youngest since he was 3. I will say this. I do NOT get involved in these issues between them unless it is about me, my husband, or our marriage. The children are between them. She has crossed the line a couple of times with our marriage and I set her straight right then. I don't start things but i don't sit back and take it either. I am a very quiet person BUT stubborn as hell and you don't cross me or you will see a side of me that I don't even like. You need to give the reply from Antirion to your DH and discuss this further. It's worth a shot. Don't let her come between you two, she isn't worth it. Her motive, her drive, her ambition is to drive you two apart. She doesn't want him but she can't stand it if he is happy. Plus the whole money grubbing part. My DH ex honestly cares more about the child support than her children. One day they will grow up and will see for themselves how their dad and new family sacrificed so much in order for them to live a good life.
One more thing, NEVER talk about the ex in front of the children or within earshot. That is their mother/father regardless the situation. They will respect you for that later on-plus it's just wrong. Hope this helps......
2006-07-11 12:00:46 · answer #3 · answered by Babygirl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Can't say that I take out my frustrations on my new lady but she is always pissed at me for doing things for my daughter. For instance, in addition to child support I pay for Band at School, for Soccer and for other things Kids want like I just bought her an IPOD. My girlfriend thinks that my ex should be buying her those things because I pay quite a bit for Child Support. But it's not about making my ex responsible, it's about me doing the right thing. I did pay some of the bills while seperated during the divorce procedure but it was only because my daughter is living with her and she needed electricity paid. Now that we are divorced she has not asked me for help and if she did I would tell her to find someone else to pay her damned bills. Not mad at her but I have to move on with my life.
2006-07-11 11:00:32 · answer #4 · answered by 666K9 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ex wives feel they should be over protecting their kids. They don't really think much of what their ex-husbands want for the kids. They want to have full directive control on the kids. The ex-husband are good as far as paying bills.
Classic case and speaking from experience
2006-07-11 11:39:13 · answer #5 · answered by hotdesersand 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is tough! Sounds like the ex needs to find herself someone else to boss around. Sounds like your man loves his kids and understands that making their Mom look bad will backfire. My son lives with me, and my ex always tried to control things...now, our son has decided that he only wants to see her every other weekend. It was rough. Mostly, don't tell her what you are doing. Let her demand all she wants...if her demands fit yours...OK...if not..oh well. Keep kids happy...they see the truth. Keep a journal....always. If he doesn't pay bills...would kids suffer? She is using him...but, if he suddenly took the kids less, she would have less free time to move her own life on. Tricky... But, whatever you do...you will never get ahead if you give him a hard time about caring for his kids. His kids will ALWAYS be his kids...he knows that a woman can leave.
2006-07-11 11:28:59 · answer #6 · answered by trafordman 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes I know exactly what you are talking about.It is not that they are worried who you have the kids around as much as they are worried you might find someone better than them.My ex wife is a acholic and hangs out with pure trash me I am a nuclear engineer and hang out with the creme of society yet the people I hang with are supposely trash and her acholic bar hooping buddies and what ever man she can find for the week are qaulity people. It really is unbelievable.
2006-07-11 11:04:03 · answer #7 · answered by hank 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
she acts like MY mother. she tells me what to dress him in and how he should brush his teeth. I have been with him since he was 2, he is now 13 and she still does it. BTW.. i would like to say that I do tell her about herself and how SHE dresses and since then she has stopped. But we took a vacation to disney and told me to make sure i put 50 sunscreen on him everyday and put it on his ears.. i said, has he ever come home with sunburn? well he wont have it now, so thanks for sending the sunscreen, now i dont have to buy it!
My husband does whatever she says because he is so aftraid to be fcked by family court yet again. We drive him to baseball games if she has to work, but other than that she wont let us have him unless its our weekend or a wednesday.
we DO NOT give her any extra money at all.
2006-07-11 11:03:37 · answer #8 · answered by psychstudent 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When he starts taking orders from YOU. He obviously still needs a mommy.
2006-07-11 11:02:03 · answer #9 · answered by T S 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My ex-wife and I have a business relationship. I don't speak to her. She is out of her freaking mind.
2006-07-11 11:03:31 · answer #10 · answered by Fishgutts 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋