what can you do when you have a husband who wont do anything you ask him to do?

Question

And the worst part is that if his sisters tell him the same thing he will do it.He compares me with his mother.He has no guts to approach his sister when she does a mistake and he takes it out on me.I am getting tired of this and i dont know what to do anymore.He becomes defensive when i talk to him about it.

Answer 1

The worst part is that you should have seen all of this coming, I suspect. Unless, of course, you thought you could "change" him (Heaven Forbid!) Apparently the only reason he does something he is told to do (not asked ?) is because his sister is doing the telling and, according to you, he has "no guts" when it comes to Sis. I guess that means - not that he will do something someone else tells him to do - but rather that he stands up to you rather than his sister.

Well, I think there is a heck of a lot more going on here than you have cared to share, but I will say this - you have a couple of choices here: one, you can re-engineer your relationship with your husband. Instead of "telling" him to do something, you might want to start discussing with him the need to get something done and then asking him if he will do it. More flies with honey, as they say.

Second, you might want to take a look and see if you treat your husband better or worse than his family. You should be treating him better (and he should be treating you better, but I will get to that....) Again, more flies with honey, if you treat him better than he will respond more to you than to his sister and mother.

I don't know what kind of "mistakes" his sister can make that he will "take out" on you, but you might want to simply a) ask him to cease that and b) ignore him when he does.

Yes, you deserve to be treated better - but for the most part, we are treated in the manner we allow others to use with us. When I suggest you treat your hubby better than his family, I do not mean roll over and play dead. I mean treat him with respect, love and kindness. Then expect the same from him. And don't settle for less. Don't yell and scream about it; don't pout. Just tell him how you expect to be treated.

And consequences. Nothing works like consequences. Nothing works without consequences. Since I know nothing about your life, I can't suggest anything, but note that consequences are not always about "punishment" ....they should be about action/reaction. (Kinda like you treat him better and he should react by treating you better.) You refuse to be mistreated and he will - should - stop mistreating.

Communication and consistency is the key to all human relationships.

Answer 2

I'm not an expert but I think men will act like that because women naturally have it in them to be so giving and spoil the man and then we become kind of like a mother image to them. They rebell as if you really were the mother.
How would you feel about some marriage counseling? Maybe you could just lay everything aside about the issues with his attitude and suggest it to him. If not, how about some programs they have on DVDs of seminar that give you some techniques on how to get your partner to respond in a positive way? I might look into that myself.
I do know for sure that if you change and start acting different in a more positive way, he will respond to that. Men get annoyed if a woman appears to sound a little naggy even if she doesn't mean it that way.
Try showing him that you notice his good qualities and maybe dirrect your attention on that more often. He sounds a little verbally abusive so you can't fall into that. When he makes rude comments, don't give him amo. Instead tell him you don't have to listen to that and just walk out of the room. Keep doing that everytime he starts up on you and don't fight back.
I've tryed this with my fiancee and was shocked to find that it really eliminates verbal abuse.
When you act more positive and ignore the negative, you'll get more positive responces. Try to stay away from complaining until you get some sorce of information that will help the marriage for better communication.
Hope this helped a little.

Answer 3

separation. you dont need that. they is still hope though. but the separation is not to hurt him or threaten him, its to heal yourself. sounds like your being put through the wringer over there. dont' let his defensiveness and anger run and dictate your happyness and sanity. some people when falling into abusive relationships twist the anger and quick temper as a means to control the other person. he needs to go to counselling. and so do you. i would say if you go for counselling, take some sessions by yourself first. then if he is willing to, the go with him. if he wants some alone, respect that. but i would make him going with you at least a part of the regulations to get back together. abuse is never acceptable, now matter how minor or major it falls. sounds like he's playing games. or if you dont' feel its come to this route. talk to his mother maybe. sounds like holds a lot to his family. maybe she might have a solution. maybe the family isn't aware of this. maybe you can keep it in the family and fall to a family solution. cause then you could tell your mom inlaw that you don't want it to effect your marriage even more then it has started to. and personally, you don't want it to affect your relationship with his family. there could be so many ways to approach the situation, talk to him again, but you said you tried. maybe if you had some back up and everyone was on the right page it might help to have a family meeting, with out the kids. anyways, good luck

Answer 4

This sounds like a question for Dear Abbey, But here goes Dear Crazys answer, Tell the lazy sob to start acting like a man.. I am a disabled husband and father of two young children and I still find time to cook, clean, do the laundry, care and play with the kids and a whole lot more.. For insurance reasons my wife was forced back to work after I became diabled. My disability may lay me up some days, but even on my worst days I will not add to any mess my wife may need to take care of. I keep the laundry washed and folded everyday so my wife will not be left with any backlog.. The kids need the most attention and I am always there for them.. Now here comes the kicker.. My wife never had to ask me to do any of this.. We are a family and families work together for survuival. Your husband, no matter how hard he works should still be able to kick in a bit at home.. And as for speaking uop to his sisters, that just falls on him as being one BIG PUSSY, speak up, your a man.. And That Is How Crazy Sweeney Sees It..

Answer 5

Obviously you have not been married long , because you still bother to complain about this situation...which is exactly like mine and millions of other women globally....The family roots or loyalty or whatever you want to call it , are very ingrained in your husbands' psyche. It takes many years to change....You have to do what my husband and I did and move far far away...because he can';t be expected to choose between all of you. Not everyone has the option of migrating away ....so if you can't communicate your unhappiness with your husband or negotiate a compromise then this marriage will weaken with time. Good luck

Answer 6

It sounds like if he won't talk to you about it in a logical, sensitive manner, then you need to get counseling. If he won't go, go alone. He may have some anger issues and it takes years to figure those out. My ex-husband was a lot like yours, he refused counseling and we divorced 5 years ago. Just a few weeks ago, he told me that he had "issues" and was sorry. Too little, too late. Do it now before it ruins your marriage. Do you have children? If not, don't. If so, don't have more until your marriage is stable.

Answer 7

GOD ALMIGHTY !! Why do women not get it ?Their relationships are completely different than the one he has with his sisters and mother . women always feel the need to compare . try asking and not nagging . If he does not do it politely say here let me get it for you . This will get the point to him faster . As for him comparing you to his mother is normal . You have in essence taken her place on several levels . Men are not that complicated . Women seriously over think men . When it comes to relationships .

Answer 8

do it yourself and get away from the mamma's boy that is nothing but trouble down the line for u. Tell him he did not marry his mother and u r your own person and if he cannot love u for that then u r out the door. but as far as doing things it don't matter it goes back to the saying if u want something done right do it yourself.

Answer 9

Watch out , he may become abusive . There is more than just physical abuse , there is also emotional abuse . When you point out what he is doing does he try to turn it around and make it your fault ? Tell him that you are not his mother , you are his wife and you will never be his mother or sister . Tell him to grow up and stop being a wooosy .

Answer 10

its funny how ignorant some people are and so quick to show people the door. What goes around comes around and you should really think about how you talk to him also nobody wants to be married to mommy dearest. If he cant sit down and talk to you in a normal fashion then tell him something is gonna have to be done and your very serious about it.