Is it normal for him to withdraw from the relationship as in emotionally. He spends much of his time on his xbox or pc and does not participate in the relationship unless I tell him what to do as in going places etc.... He is depressed and is going to start counselling soon. I have had enough, as much as I am there for him he is not for me. He says that he does not understand what I mean when I talk to him about my feelings of him neglecting me/us?? I feel like walking but love him and know that when his head is fine our relationship is so good. I feel like I am doing it all on my own and he doesnt see it like that. What can I do?
2006-07-11 01:41:14 · 13 answers · asked by Sasha 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Do not feed the depression. It becomes an addiction.
All humans have 4 basic human needs
1. the need to feel significance
2. the need to feel certainty
3. the need for variety
4. the need for connection or love.
which of these needs are being met by the depression?
when depressed, is he getting sympathy? that meets the need for significance and connection.
certainty is met by knowing full well that this depression can be counted on. it is ALWAYS there!
uncertainty, or variety is met by never knowing where the depression is leading, how dark the future will be.
if you can have any 3 of the 4 needs met to an intensity of 7 out of 10 or more, it becomes psychologically addictive.
He needs to find positive ways to meet those needs and you need to encourage him, by responding positively to good behaviour, with connecting with any happiness he shows, making him feel significant for being happy, not sad.
Think of any other way you can help him meet those 4 basic needs in a positive way, with positive emotions.
Starve the emotions driving the depression and the depression will lift.
2006-07-11 01:56:19 · answer #1 · answered by kenhallonthenet 5 · 12⤊ 0⤋
Counselling is a big step and he will be doing a lot of thinking right now. Diagnosed depression is as any other illness, just extremely hard for partners and families to understand. Not feeling like talking is normal, it sounds like he isn't intentionally not there for you. It is part of the illness. Ask him if you can com e to the GP next time to ask for some advice on how to help. Go to the MIND website for a good source of information. You aren't on your own expecially if you find some support too. Good luck, be patient, you sound in love, caring like you clearly do is better than any medicine. Just take the pressure off him, that helps you too, and gives you the opportunity to relax, maybe start the jobs you have been putting off for ages, you never know,, he might even join in! Good luck!
2006-07-11 05:43:37 · answer #2 · answered by silentium aqualis 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
At some point you need to decide two things:
1. Is this just a temporary situation with him, based on some specific event (like depression from a friend passing away), or is this the way he is personality-wise? If it's the latter, you are asking for a life of misery, unless he recognizes the need to change (soon).
2. Are you enabling his depression by being there for him, supporting him, etc. so he can just do what he wants? There's nothing wrong with you telling him that you care for him, but you don't plan to spend the rest of your life living with a depressed person.
Good Luck
2006-07-11 01:48:59 · answer #3 · answered by JeffyB 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm so sorry to hear that your partner is depressed. Please give him time, it's an illness . Ask yourself this question " Would I leave him if he had influenza or a stomach ulcer ?". You say that he is going forcounselling, I am sure with time things will improve, I am afraid at the moment things have to be about him and not yourself. Give him all the support and love you can,don't give up on him, he probably feels worse than you do. Why don't you try to find out how you can help him on his long road to recovery. Very best wishes and try to keep smiling, if he sees that you are miserable it will make him feel even worse.
2006-07-11 20:10:44 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It depends on how much you want the relationship to work. Sometimes you have to give more than you receive, and hopefully, in a not so perfect world, there will be times he will give more than he receives in return. If you know he is seeking counselling soon, give him time. Let him first find out how to deal with his pain for himself. After time, pursue couples counselling to re-group your relationship. Both will be necessary. The waiting really is the hardest part, but life is a journey and you can't rush what you're supposed to be learning to make it worthwhile.
2006-07-11 01:50:06 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
My partner is depressed too and I feel so helpless as to what to do. He was diagnosed a few years ago with ME. I was overseas at the time and he told me not to come back because he was all. So I had to pick myself up and carry on which was very difficult but I did it. He then joined me after 8 months but he was still very unwell. Uncommunicative, sleeping alot irritable and in pain. I had to support him financially as he could not work. He refuses to go to the doctors or get any help at all. He lacks in basic hygiene which is very difficult to deal with. When I ask him to have a bath he snarls at me. His BO is really bad which to me indicates it could be due to an illness. I have phoned the doctor myself today and I am waiting now waiting for a phone call. It is difficult to live with for me but it must be so much worse for him. Dont know what to do
2015-12-17 19:46:10 · answer #6 · answered by ? 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to wait a little longer until he's started his counselling. At the moment, he's doing what he has to to cope - he can't handle any more stress. Find yourself another outlet - someone to talk to - and be ready to encourage him to participate more in the relationship when it's time. For now, you have to be there for him - depression isn't easy and if he's going to be getting counselling them he's taking positive steps for himself and for your future together. Give him time.
2006-07-11 01:46:40 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i get mild depression and i know that my partner really doesnt understand how i feel - he does try but unless you have ever been depressed yourself you cant fully understand. It is very difficult to try and cope with other peoples feelings when yours are such a mess. you feel like if you have to deal with one more new thing your mind will just shut down. give him time - if he is starting counselling it will help, just be patient and dont get frustrated with him. good luck - remember it will get better
2006-07-11 01:47:11 · answer #8 · answered by eva 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yes i was depressed once and just hid my self away, all you can do is be strong and re-assure him and try to coax him out of his shell. counselling will work like it did for me has there may be a deeper problem he has, and he need to unlock it. p.s he has to do it for him self and you have to be prepared that he still may not want you at the end of it, im sorry but this it is just a true fact i hope like me and my wife you can get through this.
2006-07-11 01:46:22 · answer #9 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
1. Read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, men do think differently from women.
2. Depression is long term problem and treatable, but in my view not curable, you are in for a long term struggle and its your call as to whether you need this or not, he will never be fine in terms of a loving and happy man.
2006-07-11 03:33:56 · answer #10 · answered by Nimbus 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋