She came back...Help me to keep her?

Question

I know I was an idiot. not just in my behavior, but this girl is so special/ perfect I cannot believe she is willing to give me another chance. I screwed up in a big way and am making changes t rectify that. I have been going to AA every night and counseling with the pastor of our church. she says she is willing to give our relationship another chance but she seems so distant. like she's not even hearing me when we talk. i am afraid that she may be having second thoughts and doesn't feel she can follow through with this. what else can I do to prove my love and devtion to her? help me.
I already feel like hell because of how I mistreated her and disresected her. she is going through so much right now and when she needed me all i did was make her feel like crap. See, she just got diagnosed with a terminal illness and I couldn't bear to deal with the idea of her going through this and went on a drinking binge. the whole while she continued/ continues to put everyones need before her ow

Answer 1

You want to keep her? Keep up with the meetings and really really trying. No excuses. No more drinking no matter what. Yes, she is distant. You hurt her deeply. She's holding back until she knows she can trust you. She doesn't want to be hurt again. Obviously she loves you or she wouldn't be there. Don't screw it up. Keep up the good work and be there for her unconditionally.

Answer 2

First, I want to give you kudos for admitting that you screwed up.... now, I'm going to be pretty blunt and I hope that you don't take offense.

SHE was diagnosed with a terminal illness.... so you mistreated and disrespected her!!! You completely destroyed her. She trusted you to be there for her and you screwed up. Do not blame your drinking on her illness. She needs you more than ever right now.

You will have to make an honest effort, a little butt kissing wouldn't go amiss. It sounds like you have a very rare jewel in her.

Above all else, remember how you feel right now, all of the time. There are some extremely difficult times coming for you two. (I've been there) If you can remember the pain that you feel right now, maybe it will prevent you from mistreating her again.

Remember, she needs your support and love right now, please don't betray her again.

I wish you two the very best. *hugs* to you both.

Answer 3

wow!! i would like you to know I'm proud of you! its hard to admit when your wrong, but just stepping up to the plate is awesome. I'm sorry to hear about her illness that CAN'T be easy for either of you, but don't push her. keep going to those AA meeting, remember if you want to keep her you need to take care of yourself first, if you are unable to do that how can you take care of her. I don't think shes having second thoughts, she's probably trying to cope with the fact she has this illness, its going to be a little rough right now, but if she TRULY loves you she will see you are trying to get your life straight and she will become more open with you. i personally think she loves you or she would not have come back. show her some romance, wine and dine her, take her to the movies, anything to keep her mind free as well as yours. (so you know you can go on as many binges as you please but the next day your problems will still be there and unsolved) most important take it one day at a time.. i wish you nothing but happiness. good luck to you.

Answer 4

How long ago was your last drink? You have to be in remission for a long time before thinking that you are cured. It's a big struggle and she is fed up with dealing with you crap.
She has problems on her own and you are putting the burden of your alcoholism on her. You have to be a cruel man to put your needs before hers, she is sick for Pete's sake, why do you want to burden her with your crap and crying for attention? she needs to concentrate on her health right now.
..... If she seems distant is because she is not ready to give you her trust after all the stuff that you have done to her, you have to EARN that trust and demostrate that you are changing. Between changing and trying to change there is a lot of difference, talk is cheap, walking the path is another story....

Answer 5

I think you should look her in the eye when you talk to her. If she is the special one and you both know it, treat her like a queen. If a talk occurs, tell her that you really do love her and you ask for her forgiveness. If she came back, that means she wants to make it work, too. But the main thing you both need , is a good sitdown to talk. If she is terminally ill, you make her last few months a dream. Just think, if it was your last few months,maybe days, treat her like you would want ot be treated. But, still love her like she is not terminally ill. Don`t ever remind her that she is ill. But the most important thing, love her unconditionally.

Answer 6

Wow , Well to begin with it nice to see a person that can admit to f-ing up, So right there you got u'rself a point, then have u told her that u feel like "Hell For mistreating her" she might want to here that you do feel really bad..... then also try restarting the relationship...... u know take her on a date, or to the movies.... something that u guys used to do before but dont anymore, BUT NO DRINKING!! ..... See if that helps....... Good Luck

Answer 7

Wow! That is sad! I think that the same way that you are writing this to us you need to write it to her and let her know what you are feeling. Ask her to go with you to the AA meetings. Do special things like running the bath water, leaving little notes on post its. Get creative and do a little more to SHOW her that you love her.

Answer 8

Well, I can relate to your situation. All that my husband needed was to feel loved. Now i don't know if you know about a person's "love language"? It is important that you find out about her "love language". In other words what makes her feel love. Cary Chapman wrote a book "The five language of love". Buy it, it will explain what you need to do, to make her realize you love her. My husbands love language is for example quality time, and even if i just sit next to him while he is working he feels that i care about him and love him.

See every person feel love in a different way and if you give her what she needs, she will have enough to trust you again and give you the things that you need.

Answer 9

Continue to take responsibility for yourself and your behaviors. There is no quick fix here. Trust has been broken, and therefore, she is entitled to her emotions, and for as long as it takes for her to heal from the unwanted scars that have been imposed upon her. It is not up to her to make you feel better, that's your responsibility. You are facing harsh reality and are waking up to the truth. How you handle yourself from this day on, is your decision, and yours alone. Only you know if your sincerety is genuine, and your willingness to accept help will be proven by your steps of success and/or failure/s. With that said, and in your steps towards success at present...way to go! It is courageous of you to share some of your mistakes with strangers and reaching out like that! Therefore, I am reaching out the best way I can and experience has taught me the best way to deal with such situations is HONESTY! Making it easy for you is not the answer here, either...I am not here to bake a cake and and layer the icing so to speak, I am here replying to your help request! You have begun your steps to sobriety, that is taking some responsibility thus far, but you have a lot of work to do! The next responsible part is to take care of your mental and physical health...so pick up the phone, make an appointment to get a full physical check up, and tell your doctor everything! I mean everything! Ask to be referred to a professional, psychologist, one that is not into prescribing medication but enable you to correct these learnt behaviors, and keep those appointments too! Your wanting help obviously means swallow your pride! A lot! Keep NOT IN MIND...time, for healing has no set schedule. You are in control of your life...therefore control it! Remain focused on the goal! I suppose last but not least, your diet, so eat right, exercise, and rest. Shower yourself with kindness twice each day, once in the morning to refresh yourself towards your goal/s for that day, and once in the evening to be refreshed from the honest work you put in! I added that in there, as food for thought. You will need all the strength you can get, but you are strong, you are capable of getting through this! In the meanwhile live the rest of those precious moments with love, joy, peace, and harmony with that wonderful lady of yours. You've been given a second chance, now it's all up to you! Good luck...wishing you every success!

Answer 10

I too am going thru a separation and I too am going to AA And I too keep driving the person I love away. practise step 7 try to avoid telling her how good your doing didnt work for me dont bring up the past really didnt work for me stay away from the booze buddy gets you no where. just be there for her but dont push really really doesnt work. U want instant gratifacation because your trying trust me it doesnt work that way. and watch out for compulsive behaviours its part of a alcholics make up. good luck im pulling for you. one day at a time.