Can rejection by women turn you gay?

Question

I never felt remotely sexually attracted to guys until after about a four to five year period of no sex with women because every single one I ever talked to would turn me down for a date. My fantasies drifted to men because in my mind, I was resolved that women are unattainable. I'm at least bisexual because I can do "anything" with a guy in bed and am "sexually" but not "emotionally" attracted to him. When I am in public, looking at women, I want them so bad it hurts. Since this bi thing cropped up, I have been with women and it "suddenly" goes away at least during the period I am with the woman. I mean no fantasies or anything 100% straight. The last time, I was getting regular sex for two months and no gay fantasies at all, then we broke up; hence no sex and the fantasies came back. My therapist thinks I'm gay. I keep telling her that I'm not friggin gay. I just need an attractive girl and by the way should I tell her I'm bi? (that will most certainly kill most relationships)

Answer 1

I'm not a psychiatrist, but I think if you are being honest that you are not even bi-sexual that you are substituting men for what you are lacking sexually with woman. Being bi-sexual you can maintain an "emotional" connection and desire to be in a relationship with a man as well as a woman-just my definition, I am sure it varies. Since the sexual desire to be with men subsides when in a relation with a woman, you are probably most likely straight. Sex with men is easy and a lot of straight guys have it for this reason and are on the DL because it is fast no worries of "emotional" connections and it is fun, taboo and secretive.

My advice is just go with what you feel, if you are willing to consider that you are bi-sexual then say you are and if you meet the right woman be honest and tell her that you have had experiences with the same sex, but are committed to a relationship with a woman. Honesty prevails, more so in your own heart and for your own mental health.

Answer 2

No. Rejection by women cannot "turn you gay".
Nothing can turn you gay.
You are undoubtedly bisexual if you have lusts for both sexes.
Use it wisely, and stop being afraid of the 'gay' label.

If you think you 'just need an attractive girl' to overcome this, you are so wrong. You'll still have sexual attractions towards men.

Keep an open mind with your therapist. You claim you are "not friggin gay" (that's a very defensive statement, and any therapist would see it as a red flag)....and so do I.
You recoil from the gay thing like it's a hot flame.
There's something interesting in the way you profusely state you aren't gay. Hmmmm........

Keep it up with the therapist. Soon you'll be comfortable in your own skin.
Good luck!

Answer 3

I believe you! I have always thought that rejection from the opposite sex was why people turned "gay". I am glad that you can be honest enough with us to let us know how you feel. I know a few "gay" females who I know deep down would love to be with a man/boy! They claim to be repulsed by men/boys but the truth is that they have been either hurt or rejected by a man/boy. I have met a few gay men that have never had sex with a female. They seem to be repulsed by the fact that women have natural jucies. What they should be repulsed about is going into someones dookie shute! I think that this can become a mental disorder (when people started changing their voices to sound more like the opposite sex)! So-called Gay People are obviously hurting in some kind of way! There are many reasons why someone would think they were gay, such as their parents, their self-image, society saying that it's ok, etc. If you don't have female organs on the inside but male organs on the outside, then you should not be gay. Seek another therapist. Some therapists think that they KNOW everything just because they read it in a book! Sometimes it just takes a little bit of common sense.

I don't think that you should tell your future gf that you are bi. Tell her exactly what you just told all of us.

Answer 4

I understand completely where your coming from because I have had essentially the same experience with women. I agree with many of the answers on this forum and some I simply see as kiddies needing attention. Anyway it is not all so cut and dry as some would think. "You either are, or not" kind of thinking doesnt cut it with me. There are to many variables emotionally or just plain biology if you will that entail so much chemical production and response in the brain that black and white don't cover it at all.
I think biology is a little bit more complicated than our macho society would like to think. first of all, not everyone's brain is wired the same. One thing that everybody does have is estrogen and testosterone. These are not the only factors that come into play in the chemical make up of the brain and its many facets that amalgamate into sexual desire. People generally choose their most dominant desire but to say that only, (1 in 3 is it?) is gay or latent in tendency is a more comfortable thought in a world where we hide what we feel because of stereotypes. I think it is unrealistic to say that all men and women, due to the simple fact of biology have at least thought about it at some point or another. Even if it is simply being entertained by ones own penis or vagina. So can one be influenced by environment, upbringing or "Rejection?" Stay tuned!, Because as long as we live in a society that deems same sex as some sort of deviance, the answer will remain "politically incorrect!"
For those who are openly gay and say that you are either born that way or not? You Are Born that way and Are and Not!
Absolutes! Black or White, Rights and Wrongs, Suppose to's and not suppose to's? Maybe we should be looking more closely at our belief (structure and or SYSTEM) and how it creates denial with it's hand me down guilt ridden, born sinner complex from the time we are born and how it influences what we would deem as personal opinion.
The pressure of loneliness can play a huge role. If we are social animals it only stands to reason that is one feels they are not adaptable to the expectations of the "Game" that all to often ensues, then one's mind will seek alternative methods of intimacy.

Answer 5

Let me start by saying that I've never heard of anyone being gay and feeling attracted to women at all. I certainly don't want women, thank you -- and it wouldn't matter how long I went without.

However, I'm gay not straight and not bi. So

If you are bi, you must be in the Deep South or older if you think it would kill most relationships. Most females I know don't care.

That said, you do have some self image issues surrounding the possibility of homosexuality. That may be what your therapist sees -- I wouldn't make the assumption she did, but I can see why she would make it.

Reyn
http://www.rebuff.org
[e-mail]

Answer 6

You might become 'desperate' but I'm pretty sure a lack of sex can't turn you gay!

Your 'dream' or 'fantasy' world are seperate from the real world. We could read all sorts into your subconcious - depending on the person who's interpretating your thoughts.

May be your just curious (bisexual) but if you don't want to have sex with men, then don't just because you're having some freaky dreams.

My mates & I (from drunken conversations) have had all kinds of wierd dreams over the years and many I doubt will ever be told to anyone else. Fantasizing is perfectly nornal, even if you think its weird!

Answer 7

What's in a label? The one's we've got are only markers anyway - I'm lucky, mine (Bi) fits me well because I can be emotionally/sexually involved with a person, regardless of their gender. Doesn't fit you so well though.

So you can have and enjoy gay sex. I disagree with those that say that, of itself, makes you gay. There needs to be an attraction to the same sex partner you're with. Otherwise, it's just fulfilling the libido's requirements. I suspect that this is what you think of yourself. I'm not altogether sure that this is correct in your case. The gay fantasies - Yes, straight men can have them (but they don't act on them) - make me think that you are are somewhere between straight and a "true" bisexual.

Whatever your orientation - it's something that's been with you for your entire life (at least since you've been sexually aware) and women may have picked up on your "not quite straight" vibes - even when you didn't realise it. Hence your extended dry season.

My advice (for what little it's worth), use your therapist to understand who and what you are. Once you can accept yourself and be comfortable in your (sexual) identity, your inner confidence should improve your strike rate. Here's hoping you get a veritable rainy season!

Answer 8

Maybe you're sending out gay signals to the women you ask out.
Maybe they sense that what you're mostly interested in with them is sex, and that also is a turn off.

If you're bi and not having luck with women right now, embrace the male side and enjoy. You don't have to put a label on yourself. Just do what feels good to you and stop trying to create problems for yourself.

And whatever you do...use protection.

Answer 9

Your aversion to the term gay leads me to believe you may just be g0y and yes you are bisexual. Check out http://g0ys.org and read what it says there. You may be pleasantly surprised or you may actually have some revelations about your own gender identity.
Bisexual doesn't always mean you want a romantic relationship with the same sex sometime it is just about the sex. I personally can have deep feelings for both sexes but it is different for both of them. I can love a woman and I can love a man but my feelings of attraction are on different levels. My Love for a woman is more traditional and my love for my buds is like the deepest type of friendship. More like a male bonding experience that goes beyond being best friends. Go to the website see if it is for you if not then you will know you are not g0y but you are bisexual and you can go from there. I am g0y and I am bisexual so they are not mutually exclusive.

Answer 10

Unbelievable replies. Being Gay is not a tendency. But it doesn't happen overnight either. You either are or your not. If a man sleeps with men he is Gay, if he sleeps with men and with woman he is still Gay. But all these labels mess us up. Why not jut love, man or woman what difference does it make. Love is not about sex! Love is not physical, it is spiritual. What you are talking about here is physical sex, and whether with a man or a woman you are not making any kind of love connection here. You talk about having suck with a man but feeling nothing emotionally but then you never mention feeling anything emotional with any women either. Either you are very young or like most very self absorbed in what your body wants. Try not having sex with anyone until you fall in love, believe me it will mean something and you won't care if they are a man or woman if you find love there!