My husband has an ONLY daughter from previous marriage. She is almost my age ...I am 3 yrs older than her. I've been trying to make friends w/ her, send her gifts, send her cards and I think I did everthing that needs to be done...but still she continues to REJECT me. I know and I completely understand her feelings, so I continually try to deal w/ her nicely, I know where I stan and I know in her eyes I am such an "Intruder" to her father's attention. What concerns me now is my husband is starting to get pissed of the idea, he said "She can either be part of the problem or part of the solution, she needs to make a tough choice, if cant be part of the solution she will have to bear the lose of her father". I dont want that to happen...please help me... I dont want to ruin their wonderful friendship, I know my husband loves her daughter so much..I dont care if she can continue to be mean to me. What should I do???
2006-07-10 20:48:43 · 18 answers · asked by SeductiveLady 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
U need to discuss how u feel with your husband..(how he's making u feel bad because u don't want to come between him and his daughter)....and u don't want him to choose one over the other..as long as your step daughter is at least showing u some respect(like even if u know she hates u,she's still polite)then tell your husband to please not give her an altimatum like that...i can understand that he would be upset with his daughter for not at least trying to make an effort to be nice....but if he does that she's going to put the Blame on U!!!!Suddenly it will be all your fault ,that u took her dad away from her....If he says that to her anyways!!!U might just need to give her time...and if she doesn't like u oh well as long as she's civil to u(u don't need to be best friends)......I understand why your husband would be upset though..if his daughter's a grown up she doesn't need to be acting like such a baby about it!She doesn't have to like u but she should be showing u the proper respect....so if i were u i would talk to my husband and tell him as long as she's civil to u...this is between u and her to work out!Thank him for sticking up for u and if he wants to he can still have a talk with his daughter just try to get him away from giving her an ultimatum....the all or nothing thing....cause no matter what he's always going to be her father.....
Also if you've been being nice to her thats all u really can do just keep trying(well the being nice part anyways)the sending her gifts and cards and stuff i would stop(unless its for her b-day or christmas)cause she might think your trying to buy her affection...which could make her hate u more...as long as your being nice and trying thats all u really can do until she accepts u...
also if your husband won't listen maybe u should talk to your step daughter and tell her how upset its making her father(just an idea...thats if she'd even talk to u)and tell her how upset she's making her dad....and u realize that she doesn't have to be buddy,buddy but she should be willing to get along for her father's sake(unless she's a spoiled brat!)
2006-07-10 21:13:42 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well... I am not in such a situation (luckily), but I think you should leave them alone for a bit. Like, when they want to spend time together, go shopping, or out with (girl) friends, so your stepdaughter can have her father all for herself. Let _him_ know what you are doing, a different approach, so that he doesn't feel like you are running away from the problem. I hope that when she stops feeling threatened, she will stop being mean (I myself have a stepmother, and though my mother is very bitter towards her, I could never share the sentiment - it was my father's choice, and I think I should respect it).
Oh, btw, make sure her mother is not aggravating the problem by speaking against you. In that case, there is no immediate hope of improvement.
Anyway, take it easy, give her breathing room, and good luck!
2006-07-10 20:56:12 · answer #2 · answered by AlphaOne_ 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stop trying to fix something you didn't break. You are also trying to hard so it seems forced. The age thing is a problem she has with DAD and you're the whipping post so to speak. Be nice, be cordial, don't kiss her ***, don't interact with her at all for awhile. Keep out of the relationship between her and dad , things work out if they are given time. If you love your spouse remember the most important thing, marriage supersedes all other relationships, you married him not his daughter so give her a big ignore until she can grow up and accept the way it is, your married to her dad, like it or not, STAND YOUR GROUND when it's trampled on otherwise pay no mind!
2006-07-10 21:02:59 · answer #3 · answered by want2flybye 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stop trying to be her friend- it's not going to happen. You are way to close in age to her, which to her, is probably gross. Just leave her be, for the most part. Either you're really young, or she's old enough to be out of the house, if there's only 3 years difference. If it's the young option, then seriously, don't try to act like her mom. Give her space, and when there's a problem, make sure dad deals with it. Who wants a step mom who you probably went to school with, right?
And don't make him choose.
2006-07-10 20:52:59 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
DONT LET HIM GIVE HER AN ULTIMATUM. If he does it will always be seen as your fault. Nothing but time will help this situation. It will always be hard for her and you.
I've heard that how ever old the step-child is when the parents get together is how long it takes for them to accept the step-parent. So a 6yr old takes 6yrs a 15yr old takes 15yrs. Sad but probably true. My step dads life was hell for him Im sure but we all like him now. Just dont try to be her freind or for gods sake her mother. Let the father do all the discipline and try to do your best. Good luck!
2006-07-10 20:56:48 · answer #5 · answered by froggy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You sound like a wonderfully understanding person. Keep on being nice to her and just being yourself. Don't go overboard on the gifts though cause she might see that as trying to 'buy' her affection or love. Speak to your husband. He needs to give her lots of time and love. Eventually she will see that you are not trying to steal her father and that you are good to him and make him happy. Hopefully then she will start appreciating you. Give it another couple of months. If he rejects her now she will just blame you and assure herself that she was right about you after all.
2006-07-10 20:56:12 · answer #6 · answered by SweetyPie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
first of all dont think that she is your step daughter.Give her some time to change in this situation or in that atmosphere .What ever you do for her do show this to her that you did this for her. In some time you will she that she is started changing . Im not so young to suggest you but you should stop thinking her as your step chaild and she is going to be your daughter friend. That you know that mother is the best friend of her daughter.
2006-07-10 21:00:57 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just give it time and stop trying to buy her no kids are too crazy about someone else with their dad, Just talk to her with your husband and take it from there, Because people whether being young or old know if you aren't sincere from the heart.
2006-07-10 20:52:35 · answer #8 · answered by Neek-Neek 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
u want some advice...I have a stepmom and I absolutely hate her! I'm not close in age to her tho but i haven't spent time with my dad in 2 years i'm supposed to visit every other weekend and i don't want to...the only difference is ur actually nice to her i don't no what her deal is but she might just need to spend some time alone with her dad ya no? I no i would ne way i hope it works out for ya
2006-07-10 20:55:12 · answer #9 · answered by Kodi 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Continue to be true to what you feel is right. Understand her and be empathetic. Tell your husband to continue his relationship and give them some space without you...
encourage him to bond with her and let her know that he will always be there for her (girls need their dads!)
You won't be able to bribe her into liking you - back off and just take it as it comes....there is no easy answer.
2006-07-10 20:57:02 · answer #10 · answered by angdarling1 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋