What do you think of this poem/song i wrote (be honest)?

Question

bruised heart by paris

as i think about u, i remember all the precious moments, iv spent with u, and the sky is so blue, and our love was as blue as that sky, and i ask the question y, and now i sit down and cry,y did u lie 2 me. was it a key to lock an open door, cause its no longer here anymore, its down to the core, my heart is bruised and torn apart, and u damaged my sole, and now im stuck in a hole, and now i cant get out,i wish i could shout,y did u say those things, y did we give us those rings, what was we supposed to be, and now where are we.i just remember u saying you loved me, i just remember you saying what we could be, but where are we, was it a key to lock an open door,
as i lye on this floor, i think about u,and what u r now, u have fowled, say it out loud, and i hope u r proud,
because my heart is bruised and torn apart, you damaged my sole, and im stuck in a hole,but im trying to get out,im trying not to should,im letting it out,so u can see what u have done 2

Answer 1

Whenever we write our own poetry, we lack the perspective to judge our own work that's why I appreciate that you gave me the chance to offer my honest opinions about your work.

I bet the poem you've written is based entirely on raw emotions you just want to write down, that's why ideas came in a much typical presentation. It's a good start though, just keep writing. Practice makes perfect as they always say. I suggest that you keep your images intact. Keep it simple and start with the basics not just rhyme. Try to match sound with meaning. Be specific on creating a vivid imagery.

As you progress in writing, you might also want to use similes and metaphors to make your work more artistic. But, do not strive for perfectionism, it is a great goal yet a terrible standard. Whenever you write one, feel free to shake off poetic perfectionism and allow yourself to write a bad poem. Poetry writing is a skill, so the more mistakes you make, the more you learn from them.

The more you read, the more you learn and the more you write the more you develop your skills. I am leaving you that simple advice. Try to check out the works of Pablo Neruda, Kahlil Gibran and Rumi, they are all great poets and you can get ideas from their works.

Keep writing and always be inspired, do not be defeated by the idea of perfection. Best of luck be with you.

Answer 2

love it... i wil write that song in my diary yeah...


as i think about u, i remember all the precious moments, iv spent with u, and the sky is so blue, and our love was as blue as that sky, and i ask the question y, and now i sit down and cry,y did u lie 2 me. was it a key to lock an open door, cause its no longer here anymore, its down to the core, my heart is bruised and torn apart, and u damaged my sole, and now im stuck in a hole, and now i cant get out,i wish i could shout,y did u say those things, y did we give us those rings, what was we supposed to be, and now where are we.i just remember u saying you loved me, i just remember you saying what we could be, but where are we, was it a key to lock an open door,
as i lye on this floor, i think about u,and what u r now, u have fowled, say it out loud, and i hope u r proud,
because my heart is bruised and torn apart, you damaged my sole, and im stuck in a hole,but im trying to get out,im trying not to should,im letting it out,so u can see what u have done 2

Answer 3

It is good in some areas, but there are some parts that are a bit juvenile in the hope of rhyming. it is a nice poem. I would probably need to hear it as a song with the beats, and such. any who. over all I give it a 6 out of 10. keep working on it and do not give up. keep writing,practicing, and moving ahead. I just hope this is only a song/poem and not something you have had to live.

Answer 4

It is typical. So many poems have compared heartache with being stuck in a hole and a broken (torn) heart. Try for some original imagery and metaphors. Also, work harder on the content and less on just making sure it rhymes.

Answer 5

Oh, Jeez, I'm sorry but that is so bad, and you can't spell or use punctuation or grammar correctly. Please take up another hobby.

Answer 6

i think its very meaningful and it rymes!

you put 'done 2'
did you mean 'done to me'?
probably...

Answer 7

nice attempt...keep writing..this is not ur best.

Answer 8

spaces would have been nice

Answer 9

love it!