Am I wrong to disipline my 14 yr old son..?

Question

His father thinks when I ground him he should still be able to have friends over. Best of all when he didn't come home I grounded him for 4 days and he took off when I wasn't looking. When he came back I told him he has now lost his computer and the phone for a week. He took off to his fathers because he NEVER DISIPLINES him or ever backs my disiple. My son doesn't want to be told what to do...wants no rules. He has failed the 9th grade...lied.. and is now staying out all night. His father told me no wonder our son gets mad at me ..you give him things(computer) then take them away. My thought is...isn't that how it works...take it away and they earn it back. No matter what the issue is..it is never our sons fault always reasons why he is doing this...but none of them our our sons fault. he feels there doesn't need to be conseqeunses for his actions. I tell our son he needs to take ownership for the things he does.. Please help very upset by all this.

Answer 1

this happened to me too when my son was 13, he ended up moving in with his father because he felt life was better there. maybe thats an option, for him to see life on the other side isnt always greener.

your doing the right thing, he needs to know his boundaries and if he breaks them that consquences will happen. keep up the good work, he will be a better adult for it.

Answer 2

No, it's not. You are wrong it you don't!

Sit down with him, write down the rules clearly, and explain the consequences. By the way, grounding does mean no friends, cell phone/phone, computer, or e-mail. What's the point of being grounded if your room is like a hotel? If he gets to the computer, password protect it so he can't use it and take away his cell phone.

The next time he stays out all night, call the police and report him as a runaway and tell them where you think he is. If he is at your husband's place and the police won't do anything, leave him there. If your husband is not supportive and your son ignores everything you say and runs to his father's house, then that is where he needs to be. Permanently (at least until he gets a clue). Pack his things and drop them off. Your husband is not going to want to take care of a kid (shop, cook, laundry, school, etc) and hopefully your son will figure out how lucky he is to have someone who actually cares about his future.

Your home is not a hotel and you are not a wallet there to provide things for him whenever he feels like it. This kid is 14 years old and already rules the roost. If he doesn't get a serious wake up call quickly, it's only going to go downhill from here (for all of you).

Your ex-husband obviously has no respect for you and walks all over you. That is where your son has learned this behavior. It's time for you to stand up to both of them. Neither one of them is giong to change if you let them both continue to behave this way.

Let your son know that you love him more than anything and he is always welcome to come back home on a permanent basis if he is willing to follow the rules and attend school. Otherwise, the revolving door is closed and he cannot run back and forth between you and your ex. This is going to be the hardest thing you have ever done, but you must do it. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 3

Okay, I don't have kids myself, so take this for what it's worth. The father undermining you is a big problem. I would guess that maybe the father is trying to be the "favorite" by being a pushover and portraying you as a b****. I guess the only thing you might be able to do about that is call him out on it. Try to do it reasonably, without sounding accusing. Maybe start out with, "What are you so afraid of? You know [son] will still love you if you discipline him." From there see if you can have a discussion. If not, let him stew on that and try again. Try to avoid a big fight because it will probably just put him on the defensive and it won't be productive. If you can get across your point without sounding accusatory it may have a better chance of getting him to cooperate a bit. I hate to tell you this, but the kid's 15, so it's probably going to be hard to completely change things now. The whole groundwork of the interpersonal dynamic is laid and it won't change overnight. You probably need to get to family counseling, especially if you're frustrated enough to ask Yahoo! answers. Even if the father won't go. I'd recommend you both go so that your son doesn't feel like you're saying he's crazy or something is wrong with him. Perhaps even just see a family person on your own, which may help (not that you are the one causing the problem, but it sounds like the kind of difficult situation in which even a good parent could use help finding the best solution).
It may be expensive, but remember how important it is. To get a good one try asking at your son's school. I'm sure they know of other kids who saw help and may know who had good results. At the very least maybe they can put you in touch with some parents who went through it. Some parents may sugarcoat their results so as to look good, but look for objective clues as to how well it worked out for them.

Anyway, maybe this sounds preachy and all, but it has got to be tough. I'm sure there is no easy answer. That's why I'd say the family counseling thing, even if just by yourself. That way you have someone with experience to help you through each of the many parts of what is probably a complex problem.

Best of luck.

Answer 4

You're doing the right thing you can't have you're child ruling your life. And you are still responsible for him until he's 18 so you still make the rules and he should follow them. You need to sit down with the child's father and set some guidelines with him as well because he shouldn't go against the rules you make. It's seems like your son is going in a wrong direction and he needs to correct his path before he gets into a lot of trouble. Look up some programs in your area that will get him involved in the community. Or something positive and possible some counseling to work through his discipline issues.

Answer 5

What have YOU been doing? This brings me to my idea of parenting. I just answered a question about social sciences not too long ago about the our diminishing society that we will never get again. The reason why he thinks there's no need for consequences because you're NOT punishing him. My best idea is to send him to the military, that's the best way if you're not able to handle his behaviors much longer. I have a friend who was sent to the military due to his etiquette and behaviors. When he came back, he became a different person, everything about him changed physically and mentally. Military makes them a lot more disciplined. And may I suggest one thing? Send him to the military ASAP at this age because if he continues, it will become habitual and he won't ever have a chance to succeed in anything. Do the right thing. Moreover, I also think your husband is doing a terrible job as a father, I think you should insinuate that to him. Maybe both of you guys don't control your son enough. Of course, America is the land of the free, but come on, it will continue to contaminate our humanity, our mankind. It will continue to plague and it will soon spread throughout the world like the bubonic plague. Something should be stopped. Step up, guys. Do something, there's nothing much for you guys left, really. You're really doing a horrendous job trying to discipline your son, it might've been the lack of lectures you've been giving your child. Really, step it UP.

Answer 6

From you email, it sounds like you and his father are seperated. So that in itself can be a problem for your son.
Either way, you are correct in grounding him, He is headed for big trouble and it seems he is going to have problems with the law down the line. Failing the 9th grade ??? This is a very serious problem.
First you need to find a family councelor, 2) You need to talk to his dad and make sure he backs you up. 3) Tell him of the consequence and what his son is going to amount to if he does not get his act together.
4) Take him on a trip but dont tell him where and then you should visit a jail or state prison and let him talk to prisoners and They will tell him what it is like when you dont go to school and do what he is doing. ( first call the prison to make sure they have a program for youths, most do)
5) Dont be too hard on him like being draconian yet you need to lay down the law, find that medium.

Answer 7

My sister went through a rebellion stage too. She wanted attention, I was getting married, having a baby, buying a house, etc. You need to sit down and talk with him. Give him some curfews and rules, then tell him what he will gain if he abbides by them. It's hard the your ex won't help. He's trying to be the "good parent" . But, friends with divorced parents have told me that they might be the easy parent, but they have no respect for that parent at all. Grounded means grounded, no friends, computer, telephone. Tv is ok cause he'll drive you nuts.

Explain how you feel when he runs away, how scared you are, then if he runs away again, call the cops. might scare him if they come after him.

I wish you all the best of luck.

Answer 8

As long as his father wants to play the good guy & make you the villan, you're going to have to set guidelines & stick to them. Someone has to be the adult in a child/parent relationship & your husband doesn't sound anymore mature than your son. Of course he's probably backing your son so he'll like him and think he's cool.

You're absolutely right to set guidelines. Why not try another approach where your son is responsible for helping t make the rules. Sit down together with a sheet of paper divided into half, with one side action, the other consequences. Ask your son what he thinks would be fair for staying out past curfew, for instance. He's going to try to get away with murder, but keep at him until he comes up with results you both can live with. Do that with each problem area you have--even if it's taking out the garbage. Be willing to compromise on some of the issues so he can see you're trying to help him. When the rule is broken be sure to institute the punishment immediately. If he gives you any grief, remind him he had a part in the decision making and needs to stand by his word like a man would.

Is there any other male figure (relative, friend, coach?) that could have a talk with him? Right now he doesn't feel he needs to respect you, but maybe someone else who has had an influence on him that he looks up to could show him he's headed for serious trouble. Does your law enforcement agencies have programs for kids like your son where they talk to them and show them what it's like to be in juvenile detention?

As harsh as it may be, he's out of control and you may have to have him tested for drug use and put into a program.

You both need therapy--for your peace of mind and for coping mechanisms, and together so he can learn to respect you and your rules.

I wish you the best. He's at a bad time in his life now and he needs you to stay strong for him. Don't give up.

Answer 9

You are trying to do the right thing! The boy's father is a lousy parent and a bad influence on him. You must be firm with your son and teach him that there are responsibilities that he must live up to if he is to enjoy the luxuries in life. You must talk with your son and his father together and explain how you feel. Your son MUST learn to follow rules, and his father has to grow-up and take his parenting responsibilities seriously. Go to his school and talk to a counselor - maybe they can point you to an agency or someone who can help or give advice. You are trying to be a good mother and raise the boy properly - don't forget that, and be proud of yourself for realizing that you have a duty as a parent. I wish you all the best! Take care! I'm proud of you!

Answer 10

First you need to decide who has custody of your son. If you do then you need to enforce it. Second you need to sit down with dad and have a talk. Then have a talk with your son. If Your son keeps this up he will be in a gang or in trouble real soon. either get some counseling or talk to a lawyer or a officer they maybe able to give you some advice on how to handle what you are going through. I said the officers because I know of another child that was doing some of the same things you described and he was but in juvenile detention that is not a place you want your child.

Answer 11

I have a 14 year old son and he'd be lucky to see the light of day if he did any of these things.. U need to stay firm, your x husband isnt being a "father" he's being the good time dad, in his lil mind he thinks that if he lets the kids do what ever they want they will love him more when in all actuallity all its causing is for your son to self destruct.. Kids will want to go where they can get away with everything, thats being a typical kid, I hope when he takes off to his dads that you immediately go and get him and bring him back to your house.. Your trying to raise your son to be a responsible adult, your x husband is raising him to be irresponsible and not accountable for his own actions.. which only leads to trouble.. Id let your x husband know that if he doesnt start helping u by atleast standing by u, that you have no other alternative but to hire a full time babysitter to watch over your son and that he's going to have to pay for most if not all of it.. (that will usually snap a man out of it having to fork out more money lol) but for your sons sake , do what is right, dont back down, and stay strong, your son needs your guidance.. Good luck..