I've been dating a married woman for 18 months. She's 40 and has been married 17 years. I'm 29. I am head over heals in love with her. She tells me everyday she loves me too and she wants to be married to me ... but she says it's too hard to leave her husband. Some days when we talk I leave the conversation thinking it's any day now, and others I feel as if there is no chance at all. She says he's not a bad guy and doesn't deserve to be left. It's starting to play on my mind more and more that if she leaves him I am going to be the cause of great heartache for a guy who'll be totally blindsided. Please any advise would be helpful. I know the just walk away advise is what most people think, but at this point it's no easier for me to walk away from her than it is for her to walk away from him. She's a big part of my life now. They have no children. Do I have any chance of happiness with her? I'd really like answers from others who have gone through the same situation.
2006-07-10 15:44:00 · 18 answers · asked by Hope The Best - Expect The Worst 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Thanks for the answers, please keep them coming. For those that answered about security. I make more than them combined. Sex is great, but I'm perfectly content just holding her through the night (on the rare occation I can) ... it's not and never has been about sex.
2006-07-10 15:54:15 · update #1
I would love to tell you to keep pressing her to leave her husband for you...but the best thing really is to let it alone. What goes around comes around. You're only going to end up hurting each other. Be a good friend to her instead, and if you really love her you would encourage her to stay with him. If she were to leave him, let it be willingly. For other reasons...Just be patient, and in the mean time, look for something that's not taken. wouldn't you like your own?
2006-07-10 16:00:52 · answer #1 · answered by kittiekatblue 1 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Will she leave him- no, she won't leave him and that's probably for the best for the both of you. Think about it, she's been married for 17 years, which means she and her husband have a home together, friends together, family basically together after that amount of time (think about your friends that you've known for a very long time, their families are practically your families as well), they probably vacation at the same place - she is not going to sacrifice all of that for someone in a completely different place in their life who has no attachment to anyone important to her. How is she going to explain to her family and friends that she's in a relationship with someone else and is leaving her husband for him? If she was really going to leave him for you-she would have done it long, long, ago-18 months-no way. And really, you're 29-enjoy your life, date, travel, experience different things-you're so young.
Now-would you really be happy with her? NO, you wouldn't. Right now you are in a very safe situation-you can say that you are in a relationship, and you can feel all of the intimacy and 'love' in one, but really you don't have to make any kind of true commitment because she is attached; it's the best of both worlds (for both of you). Let me ask this-have you ever had issues with commitment before? Have you ever dated people and then gotten bored? Are you the type of person that enjoys the chase more than the final reward-if so, then this seems like a perfect situation.
Also, realistically, if you 2 were to end up together, your entire relationship would be based on lies and betrayal, since she lied to her husband and cheated on him for her own selfish reasons. Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who cheats?? You'll never trust her since she cheated before she will clearly be capable of doing it again.
Oh-and don't you feel just a little bit bad for her husband in all of this? You mention that he'd be blindsided and you'd be the cause of heartache, so why would you want to be a part of that?
Walk away-I know it's easier said that done, but at least you can be with a woman who truly loves you AND ONLY YOU, and will commit to you, and will come home with you every night; someone that you can introduce to your family and friends as your girlfriend. The short term pain will be well worth the long term happiness.
2006-07-10 16:29:27 · answer #2 · answered by Fran33 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Chances are she would love to be with you but does not want to hurt her husband either. She has the best of both worlds right now. She has a lover and a husband. She has a family and a boyfriend. She has it safe. She will probably play this out as long as she can and may or may not leave. I have to say though I really don't know if I would want to start a life with a woman who was too weak to cheat on her husband and too weak to string a boyfriend along with the hopes of starting a life with him someday. She is not being fair to you and I would not wait around for her. I don't think you are being stupid. I'm sure you really do love her but there are a lot of single women that would be just as grateful for your love and can give it back honestly and truthfully.
2016-03-15 22:26:35 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Probably she will, probably she won't.. silly. Why are you clinging a woman who is much older than you and yet you can found a better woman than her. If she really cares and loves you, she would have made up her mind and divorce her husband and yet she has the cheek to say that he isn't a bad guy and doesn't deserve to be left?? She is just toying your feelings.
I'm sympathy her husband who thinks that he has a married a decent & faithful wife but never he would thought that his wife is adultery with a young guy behind him.
Perhaps she is damn good in getting intimacy with you but to be honest with you, she doesn't deserves the best from you. Afterall, you could find a 'private toilet' which you only allow to use and not sharing with others or public. Think it over...
2006-07-10 15:53:24 · answer #4 · answered by Adorable Mrs 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She'll Never Leave Him why should she she has her cake & can eat it to no joke she's been with him along time there is security there plus she's cheating on her husband they say once a cheater always a cheater so if she did leave him then you'd be worried if she would cheat on you or not with even a younger guy it has happened.Find someone who isn't married I'm sure U can & You'll be alot happier you won't be looking over your shouldar affraid hubby will be home soon lol
2006-07-10 15:54:04 · answer #5 · answered by sugarbdp1 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She will not leave her husband and the security that he offers, that you (in your youth) can't yet.
You should be satisfied with the great sex and be happy. If you want a long term relationship, then convince her to be honest, and stop cheating on her husband. Maybe he will beokay with it if you are honest with him. (He'll probably be angry with her for lying to him and cheating though).
There are plenty of open and honest people out there, both single and in polyamorous relationships.
If you don't mamke any changes, she will string you along for a few years, and then it will suddenly end, and you will be hurt and alone.
2006-07-10 15:50:28 · answer #6 · answered by Atom 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The deck is very seriously stacked against you my friend. Unless she is profoundly unhappy and he is abusive in some way, probably not. Life is a journey, and you shared something special. Maybe give her some space and let her decide? Work on you and getting strong. If you take care of you and she leaves him, you can create a good life together. If she doesn't, you'll be in a good place to meet the right girl. Good luck, and don't let anyone judge you.
2015-10-21 01:56:06 · answer #7 · answered by toddinde 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do you have any chance of happiness with her? Well dude say she leaves her man for you....are you really ever going to be able to trust that she wont do you just like she has done her husband? If you can blindly trust that she is "not that kind of girl, just with you," then I guess you could possibly be happy. Think about that one.
Are you ever going to be able to forgive yourself if she leaves that dude and destroys him? If so, you might have a chance at happiness.
How does this relationship fit in with your family and friends? Are they all down? Will she fit right in? Will they accept her? Do they know about her? Is that all good? If so, you might be happy.
Are you going to be able to accept full responsibility for her if she leaves her husband? It sounds like, if she leaves him, she would be moving right in with you. Are you prepared to deal with the pressure of taking on all of her problems as she is going through a divorce? Are you prepared to deal with her husband? Are you prepared to deal with the fact that she might leave him for you and then go back? If so, I guess you could be happy.
I don't know man. Obviously you know what you and her are doing is wrong, why would you want a woman willing to do something like that? How do you feel every night when she is in bed with him and you are all alone? If you can get past all of that, then, I guess, you might be able to be happy.
Just remember, karma has a way of coming back and returning.
2006-07-10 16:43:37 · answer #8 · answered by Cing 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry, but it's not looking good for you. 29 should be a great time in your life. Head out and see who else you might meet. Besides, have you really thought what you have in common with a woman 11 years older than you?
2006-07-10 15:49:19 · answer #9 · answered by Jennifer W 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She will never leave her husband. You are just a good "stay hard longer" for her. I know youve heard it before but leave her alone and find someone who could really use a good man. Sounds like you are a really sweet guy.
2006-07-10 15:57:09 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋