Title: I SAW...
A body lying stiff and cold on the ground,
While a deathly cold chill slowly circles around.
Even the trees shiver in the frosty night sky
A man then came running from deep in the wood.
He called out a name as loud as he could!
Then he saw, and he choked as he tried not to cry.
He tore his eyes away from the sight
of the body lying bloody in the dirt of the night.
And he prayed, "Please Lord, please don't let her die!"
I could hardly hear her as she struggled to breathe,
and she turned her head so to see as she leaves
just who knelt by her side as the morning draws nigh
And with her last breath she said just one word
to her beloved who dropped his shield and his sword.
His face close to hers as she whispered, "goodbye".
2006-07-10 14:57:52 · 29 answers · asked by Inimitable_Elucidator 3 in Society & Culture ➔ Other - Society & Culture
It's really good. I like it very much. Something for you to think about though. At the start it just seems like it's a random guy who finds a body. See how different it seems if you just make a minor change:
"Her body lying stiff and cold on the ground,
While a deathly cold chill slowly circles around.
Even the trees shiver in the frosty night sky
Her beloved then came running from deep in the wood.
He called out her name as loud as he could!
Then he saw, and he choked as he tried not to cry."
That makes a big difference that way it doesn't seem so random. Think about it.
2006-07-10 15:34:16 · answer #1 · answered by DragonHeart18 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
At 16, you're off to a very good start. Keep writing and, just as important, READ as much good poetry as you can. Ask your English teacher to recommend some for you. I would hope you plan on going to college and becoming a Literature major. You have a talent that simply needs to be developed. Don't waste it--the world needs to hear more from you! Best of luck.
2006-07-10 15:10:35 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would drop the exclamation point in the second stanza. Watch your gender references in the fourth stanza. I'm not sure if you are in this poem as a bystander, or just the narrator. Personally, I would keep you out of it and replace the references of " I " with " She ", Then the ' her ' in the first line of the fourth stanza would be ' him ', that would make the second ' she ' in the second line of the fourth stanza ' he '. Of course, if this is a lesbian poem, you would need to change the gender references in stanza two, three and five. Also, capitalize the G in goodbye.
Keep working on it and keep writing !
2006-07-10 15:06:18 · answer #3 · answered by yodeladyhoo 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
im sorry but to be honest i dont like the rhyming scheme, and the story line is weak. maybe instead you should focus more on how the body looks lying stiff, and try free verse, or shape the poem into a figure.
2006-07-10 15:02:37 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Decent if not a bit too morbid. I find that the best and most liked poems are on a subject that most people can relate to, and this really isn't.
2006-07-10 15:02:48 · answer #5 · answered by reverenceofme 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Terribly cliche. Every teenager writes about tragically cold dead bodies. Find something original. You obviously have some potential- use it.
2006-07-10 15:01:14 · answer #6 · answered by Susie 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, it was absolutely amazing. A bit dark, but I love that kind of poetry. You should definitely keep writing.
2006-07-10 15:09:13 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's sad. It reminds me of a quote by a friend of mine...
"Don't forget you're beautiful." - dUg Pinnick
Xan Shui
Philosophic Philanthropist, Honest Man
2006-07-10 15:00:43 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i thought it started off badly, got worse in the middle and the less said about the ending the better. apart from that excellent!
2006-07-10 15:01:28 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very romantic, kid! Excellent. It's worthy of being a romantic story narrative.
2006-07-10 15:05:49 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋