I discovered my husband was secretly talking to his ex girlfriend.I am crushed and I dont know what to do....?

Question

he was calling her up to 4-5 times on some weeks and one day he talked to her 7 times!Now that I caught him he admitted to her still having a piece of his heart(he liked the way he made her feel when she talked to him)
Before we got married he used to talk highly of her and It made me feel like I could never measure up.(we have been married 3 yrs. now)He still wanted to be "friends" with her but I told him it made me uncomfortable and to not call her and to end all ties with her.Well,he went against my wishes and carefully deleted her calls so I couldnt track him.Yet he SWARES that they were just talking like friends.But I wish I knew what they were REALLY talking like and about to each other.
Now he swares on our sons life that he will never ever talk to her again.And that God made him realize what a fool he was and that he needed to devote himself only to me.Well,now I am left with the distrust and hurt.He wants me to just "drop everything" and not speak of it again.
Any advice?

Answer 1

You really don't understand men, do you? Sheez... where to start? Let's ignore the lies, the deceit, the emotional betrayal for a moment. Focus on what happened after. After breaking his promise he then issues another, even bigger one (swearing on your son's life? Like he'd kill your son if he lied?). Worse, he expects you to believe it. Since you don't trust his own motives, judgement or insight he tells you "God made me realize". When one motivation is insufficient he issues another, even bigger one. Worse, he expects you to believe it.
This is then followed with expecting you to "drop everything" and not speak of it again. Rather than helping you find closure for your pain, he wants you to close the issue to end his. Whatever hurt or loss or fear you have... don't bother him with it anymore. Keep it inside.
Don't you understand what manipulation and control are? How they work? Can't you see selfishness when it stares you in the face and sleeps with you at night?

You're being played for a fool. This man has shown you who he truly is. Not in words, but by actions. "When a man shows you who he truly is, even once, believe him."

Answer 2

Do you know the reason why they broke up?? I feel your pain, I know you probably feel guilty not trusting him again....but you have to remember that he lied to you. And thats takes time to get over. The trust between you and him has been broken, and I honestly believe that that trust will never fully come back..I truly believe that. Do you wonder why all of the sudden he's swearing that he'll never talk to her again? That he wants to just "drop everything"? I'm wondering what happen between them that made him not want to talk to her again...It can't be because you feel uncomfortable about it because you've felt this way for a while now and he still went "against your wishes." Don't let him get off the hook too soon...I know you probably want to get over this already but find out the real reason why he suddenly wants nothing to do with her.

Answer 3

I've been married also for almost 3 years, I have a son. If I am in your position right now I will feel the same way, my trust in him will surely go down. Im a very sensitive person and I admit Im a jealous one, I always tell my husband that once I caught you cheating on me or talking to your ex, I will never trust you again, and if I caught you with my own eyes cheating on me, you can leave and you will never see our son again, me and your son will go somewhere where you find us. I always remind him that if he can find a woman, why can't I? I think that it really works for me. Hes been very faithful, and I pay him back by taking care of him, loving him so much. And we see to it that every weekends, we go out and make that a family day. We eat out and have picnics. Now, I'm pregnant and I want it so that he will love me too much for having hes baby. I hope this willl help you in little ways. Good Luck!

Answer 4

You will not be able to trust him. Once that trust is broken it is VERY hard to rebuild. Let him know that too!!! Tell him flat out HOW you feel and that you are not stupid! There is no reason to talk to someone 7 times a day!!!! You sound like you are still shocked by all this- and I dont blame you, but let him know my swearing on your sons life that if he ever does that crap again- he will never see his son again. Sometimes you have to threaten someone to make them realize the consequences of their actions. Sit down with your husband and let him know you do not trust him and its just going to take time to get over what HE did to you! Ask him how he would feel if you called your ex 7 times a day "just to talk" If he loves you he will apologize and beg for forgiveness. I hope your man learns his lesson and tells her to stop calling.

Answer 5

Your husband is a liar and a cheat, and you have proved it. He deleted her calls on the cell phone. I am not sure,but I think you can get a roster of the calls from the cell phone company.
What kind of man would tell his wife such bull crap? He needs to fess up. A hard dick has no conscience. He seems to have lost his somewhere along the line. There are too many people out their to be friends with. He didn't need to be friendly with her. I would talk to this woman and find out what exactly her motive is and stand my ground when I tell him to get out
You are more patient than I would be. I would pack my child and show him I meant business. Don't be a softie or this crap will go on forever.

Answer 6

Tell him that you trust what he's saying, but the fact that he deceived you gives you license to talk about it FREELY whenever you want to. As long as the goal is understanding not pent up resentment. People are people and nobody is 100% secure in themselves. If she made him feel a certain way, then he needs to figure out how to make himself feel that way. You shouldn't have to put up with it.

Answer 7

Trust him one more time, you have to if you still cherish this family. Watch him and put your focus on your sons. Give him time, time will dilute everything. Spend more time with him, organise family outing over the weekend. If can only two of you once a week, that's to take his mind off her. Dont expect immediate changes, be patient.

Answer 8

Here is one man's advice regarding Exes and what it means--hope it helps a little for you. I had to tell my fellow that I did not welcome his new and forgiven relationship with his last wife into our home now, and I understand 100% how you feel.

Feelings do not equal committment, so how she makes him feel only lasts as long as it is happening. If it is NOT happening, then he will have to live with his feelings with you!

Hooked on Your Ex?
Signs you're trying to keep a dead relationship alive

by Bob Maschi
Published: 07/07/2006

Sometimes, old romances are harder to get out of your head than a theme park song (like, It's a Small World, After All). Much harder. In fact, people have been known to linger emotionally in past relationships for months -- or even years! Some go so far as to convince themselves that they are no longer hooked on the old lover, though their friends and family can tell otherwise.

It's a familiar situation. After all, almost everyone has had a relationship end when they didn't want it to, and letting go is no easy task. Particularly if you don't realize you're hanging on.

Here are some signs that you're stuck on a dead relationship:

Let's start with the obvious. Nicely framed photographs of the old flame, a lock of hair and a pile of movie-ticket stubs all displayed neatly on a night table like a Wiccan altar for instance, suggests that you haven't been able to cut the cord. Don't have a shrine per say, but think that candid shot of your last trip together on the fridge doesn't count? Wrong.

Calling someone by your ex's name can be another clear clue (and a supremely embarrassing one in the bedroom and out). Sometimes this is just habit. Other times, it's a Freudian Slip - and a valuable look into what (or who) is on your mind!

And, while we're on the obvious, jealousy regarding your ex probably means you haven't let go. If the thought of them being in another relationship bothers you, then you're still hooked - at least more than you want to be. A relationship that has ended means that the two people involved no longer have any business in each others' personal affairs, no matter how hard that sounds.

More often, the hints that you haven't been able to move on are far more subtle. So subtle, that you may not even recognize them yourself!

For starters, people often blame a breakup entirely on themselves - even though it takes two people to tango. Some might blame their physical appearance, thinking that they weren't attractive enough to maintain the romance. They convince themselves that the outcome would have been so much better if they were slimmer, had a better hairstyle or wore trendier clothes. Others take this even further in a subtle attempt to reignite the romance -- they try to drastically improve their looks -- solely to show the ex "what they're missing" and without thoughts of feeling better about themselves and/or attracting someone new. Face it. True love can see beyond some blemishes, a few extra pounds or even a bad hair day!

Another sure sign you're holding on? A lot of people who are still stuck on an ex continue to engage in habits and hobbies that were familiar to the relationship, even though they have very little personal interest in them. Going to familiar places, like your regular restaurants, or even hanging out more often than usual with mutual friends can be an omen that you haven't made peace with your past.

On the other hand, going to the opposite extremes can be one of the most blatant (but often unrecognized) signs you're caught in the grip of a failed relationship. Tearing your ex's image out of your entire photo collection or burning every last gift and memento in an angry rage are signs something's not quite right. Likewise, displaying an overwhelming hostility toward your ex may mean you still place a tremendous amount of importance on that person. While anger and hurt are all normal reactions, consider that hostility is neither healthy nor attractive (and certainly doesn't do anything for the people you may start to date).

When a relationship ends, it's normal to hurt. And everyone requires time to heal. But in the interest of saving yourself too much heartache (or at least healing yourself as fully and healthily as possible), do your best not to live in the pain for too long. Pack up the pictures and other reminders of the romance and store them away. Even if you aren't interested in a new partner, try to go out and mingle with others who share your interests. Know when to call upon your friends (for counsel or for fun). Learn to appreciate yourself as an individual, rather than as half of a pair. As time goes on, you'll find that the memories fade and new, even better, opportunities will present themselves.

While a period of mourning accompanies the end of most relationships, dwelling on the past can become obsessive and damaging. Only you know when you've crossed that line.

Answer 9

If you want this marriage to work you guys should get counseling. If not I hate to say it but get a divorce. You don't deserve to feel insecure about what HE'S doing. You deserve to be treated well. Like a loving wife and supportive partner.

Answer 10

He still loves her or he is really attracted to her. Its one of the two. They are probably seeing each other.
I'm not trying to piss you I'm being realistic. You can trust that he is sorry if he never does it again.
The stupid never forgive and never forget. The naive forgive and forget. The smart forgive but don't forget. Forgive him but keep an eye on him!