After the birth of our baby my husband started giving me a lot of problems and then he decided to join the Military. He said he was doing it for us his family but I can not help but feel resentful that he left me all alone with our new born baby. Our baby is going to be 4 years old now and she only has seen him 3 times. But yet he says he loves his family. I think he loves the idea of a family but not the obligation of one. Now he is in Iraq and in a severe combat zone. Now he writes me letters stating all the heartache he is going through and how badly he wants to be a family. But he had been gone so long and I am practically a single mom that I do not want to stay with him but I do not want to worry about him taking my daugher away from me even if all he ends up being is a weekend father. She doesn't even know him at all. But other people are telling me that after all he has been through over there I should stay with him no matter what or how messed up he may be. I'm so confused.
2006-07-10 13:23:29 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I know your confusion, and I know that it's hard. The one thing that you have to look at when he joined is did he have an education? Men have this thing that they want to take care of us "womenfolk" and they will do that at all costs. The military for a lot of guys is a stable income with insurance and he gets to learn a trade on top of the fact that when he is done serving our country, he gets to go to college and the military pays for it. To him it may have been securing your future, your child's future and his as well. It may seem warped to you, but for him, he was doing the right thing and ensuring that you would be taken care of no matter what happened to him. He didn't have that security before he went into the service. Stop to think about what he is going through. I know that you are going through a lot yourself, but look at all the things that he has missed by trying to secure his family's future. You love him and I know that you do because you wouldn't be confused if you didn't, so get out of the box and look at all sides and you may see things a little differently.
2006-07-24 15:28:09 · answer #1 · answered by hvnly_spector 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First, the military didn't change him because like you said he started giving you problems then joined the military. He was already looking for a way out and just used the military to get it. The military doesn't teach you to be emotionless that is just alot of BS. I have been to Iraq twice, once during the war and I just recently returned. There are things that happen there that make you think but after you return and spend a few months home people return to their normal selves for the most part so if they are emotionless now then they probably were before they left. I think you were absolutely correct when you said he likes the idea of a family just not the obligation. You deserve to be happy too so don't let him or others use the smoke screen of "He was in Iraq" do what you feel in your heart is right, file for divorce and let all three of you get on with your lives.
2006-07-24 07:55:22 · answer #2 · answered by chuck 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I guess the first thing I would say about this situation…Is that everything you’re feeling is normal. Lonely, hurt, and abandoned. And of course, you will resent him for that.
But on the other side of things, being a Military wife myself, I can understand him joining. Especially if he had any financial concerns having a baby. I know the biggest reason why my husband joined was to know, that no matter what, we would be taken care of - financially. We discovered recently, that sometimes the money isn’t even worth the pain of being apart. But that’s the sacrifice we make.
There were plenty of times when he was away that a big part of me was so angry with him. We have a two year old son and at the time, I was pregnant with our daughter. I felt neglected, and definitely felt like I single parent. And then to top it off, I went in to labor before he came back home. That’s what hurt the most. Having our little girl and her Father not being there. Thankfully, he came home the night I got out of the hospital, she was just a few days old. But going through that alone, then coming home to two children with no Daddy, well I have to say, that was the hardest thing I’ve dealt with.
I don’t have any answers to your questions really, but I do want you to know that it’s normal to feel the way you feel. And that maybe you should wait until he comes home to talk to him directly about your concerns. He might tell you things you never knew, reasons why he joined, and how much he really does care.
http://www.militarywives.com/ - You can find more women like you and support here.
Good luck.
2006-07-10 13:57:54 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
3 times in 4 years? Why? I am a Military wife and I have never heard of anything like this before. Why don't you live with him? No matter where he is stationed ok besides Iraq obviously you can be with your husband...yes even Korea if its not command sponsered then you go on your own $$...I am not really understanding what is going on here. Chances are he won't be 'messed' up when he comes back from Iraq remember he is a trained professional. There are guys yes that claim to have all these symptoms and i'm sure alot of them do but don't believe all that you hear on that subject.. Ok so if you have anymore questions or want to know anything else about the military just email me or IM me..
2006-07-24 18:56:03 · answer #4 · answered by marian_4u1975 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're husband has seen his 4 year old daughter only 3 times in her life. There were problems with the relationship before he joined the military, I don't think the military caused the problems, they afforded him an escape from facing those problems.
You're afraid he will attempt to take the child, why? He can't have her solely on the basis he was in the military. If you have a job (and if you don't, NOW is a good time to get one, before you make the divorce decision and he gets home), you can support yourself and the child.
He's less than a weekend father now, I think you and your child deserve more, are you willing to work for a new life?
2006-07-24 00:45:09 · answer #5 · answered by Betty-Bob Budreau 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My husband is in the AF. We are stationed in Germany. It has been really hard. I think what has made it so hard is that since the military he hardly shows any interest in me. I'm back home in Ohio visiting my family for 2 months. I even got my belly pierced and sent him pic on the Internet but he never bothered to looked. The military changed him A LOT! I miss the boy he was before he joined. im really proud of him and He has become a wonderful man but a man that can't show affection or intimacy. I think you should ask him to spend some time with you when he gets back. have him take leave so you two can evaluate your relationship. It seems that you two don't know each other anymore. I know what that feels like. I say to you not to give up yet. Give it one more chance! give it all you have and let him know how you are feeling along the way.
Good Luck!
2006-07-10 13:36:06 · answer #6 · answered by ilovedragonflies6 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You two loved each and he went into the military for his family ( very valid act) for many reasons..financial stability, security along with plenty of fringe benefits to offer his family....you and your daughter. Now he is over seas risking his life not just for his COUNTRY but for his family YOU...and you want to leave him.....what problems do you have with a man that isn't there because he is off at war? it's not like he is at home with you and you two are arguing.or something and here's a point......your daughter is ONLY FOUR she has a lifetime to get to know her father she hasn't been here long enough to really know anybody but you any way ... you feel resentful about being alone how do you think he feels over there missing you guys? I doubt he signed up to get shot at to avoid the obligation of family. what about "for better or worse"? You are not the first nor will you be the last military wife to feel this way. Have you tried the family support groups on post? made a circle of friends with other military wives ? if this is your first and only child this may be another reason why this feels so hard for you...you never had a baby before of course you will be stressed out. he needs your support out there it helps them to survive knowing that they have a family to come home to. If you two end up apart atleast know in your heart that you tried your best and did everything you could to save your family and try to wait til he is home. Don't do something you may later regret. I hope this helps.............I'm outta breath.
2006-07-24 06:20:07 · answer #7 · answered by ms_sweet_real 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
<> If he is in the military he has an obligation to his country...sorry but sometimes it outweighs the family. Been there done that. If he is in the military and married then you are getting an "allotment" that's his obligation to his family right now. I don't understand how he could take your daughter away from you unless you are an unfit mother. Custody doesn't work that way. I think you both got married and started a family way too young...You have a choice...either stick it out and wait for him without all the "whining" or file for divorce.
2006-07-18 20:02:12 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can relate to you. I was married and my husband went to Vietnam. I was lonely and a mother of two children ages 2 and 4. and also we were stationed in Yokohoma, Japan. My children and i stayed over there for 1 1/2 yrs then came back to the states. He came home 7 mos later and was drinking so much. I lived with that 6 months and left him..I later found a nice man that accepted my children and me.. I was really blessed to find such a good second husband.
2006-07-24 18:18:51 · answer #9 · answered by Carol H 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Give the guy a second chance. I spent 3 tours in Iraq and Afghanistan, and had the full support of a loving wife. It helped me make it home alive, and gave me something to look forward to. If you love this guy, or did at one time, then give him a second chance. Life changing experiences can often help people see the error of their ways, and he will need to have something to look forward to when he gets home. This may be the one perfect soul mate that God has made for you, and if you throw it all away, then you may never have the chance to find true love again.
2006-07-24 15:13:28 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋