How do I get over the issues I have about my boyfriend having ex girlfriends? Completely irrational, I know...

Question

I understand it would be completely insane to think my boyfriend was never attracted to anyone but me, the problem is I obsess over it and I create these morbid imaginings of it. He's sick of me bringing it up, and frankly, I'm sick of myself, so I want to get over it, but I'm really struggling.

Okay, it's not the fact that he had exes, I know they are exes for a reason and all of that stuff. It's that I know enough of the details about certain specific things with his exes, like him messing around with them or certain things and about sex and stuff, and although most of it isn't threatening, because he had a pretty horrible sex life before me (something I know I can believe him about), I still create pictures in my mind from the details I do know, and it drives me nuts thinking about him being intimate with other people. Again, I know if it were a competition I would "win", but it's like that's not good enough for me :( What I'd like to do is just sort of start pretending there was no one before me, which is essentially what he does, he hates his past and wants to forget it completely, and says the only time he things about it is when I bring it up. So, I'd like us both to be able to forget, but I have a WAY overactive imagination, and it's making me miserable...

Answer 1

Appreciate that every one of his prior experiences and relationships formed him and "made" him into the person he is today. So be happy about those prior experiences he's had, they made him into a better and more experienced man for only YOU to enjoy!

Answer 2

Look at it this way. If you broke up with him, how would you feel about all of your future boyfriends obsessing over this guy?

You might want to talk to a counselor about this one, because this is one of those things that can hurt your chances for a successful long term relationship (and eventually marriage) later on. You see, even when you're married, your husband WILL BE attracted to other women. And YOU WILL BE attracted to other men. We're human, that's the way we're programmed. The important thing in a committed relationship is that you can both look, but no longer touch. And if you can't trust your significant other----or yourself----here, then you've got serious trust issues. And if you've got serious trust issues, the guys aren't going to want to stick with you. (Which, in your mind, will make the whole thing a self-fulfilling prophecy).

Seriously, if you can't get past this on your own, I'd strongly recommend, for your own well being down the line, that you talk to a counselor.

Answer 3

I had the same problem myself. I was insecure and thought "I wonder if she was prettier than me." It's kind of like you want to win the competition and wish there was no one before you right? Well, all that matters is that he's with YOU now. They're EX's for a reason. They're the past, you are who he's with now and that's all that should matter. If he didn't want to be with you he'd throw you in the ex-girlfriend stack but he hasn't. Just realize that he wants you and only you. You have to get over it in order for your relationship to work. He's not going to want to stick around if you continue to bring it up. There's no point in stressing out about his past. The past is the past, move on and enjoy your life and enjoy spending time with your boyfriend.

Answer 4

Hey you!
Okay speaking from experience...you need to let it go! I had only dated 2 people before I met my husband, he had dated and slept with like 25-30...I know, he was a male slut! It bothered me, bec. I had only had one other lover before him, so I did the whole picture in my mind thing too, but I had to stop, bec. I was destroying any future we would have together. I realized that he needed to be with those other girls, so that he could have his fun and then once we met, he was able to settle down. He is not proud of his past, infact he hates it, but we met young and he told me that if we would have met any sooner, he prob. would have cheated on me, bec. he wanted to taste every flavor. So, I know it doesn't make things any easier to swallow, but feel safe in the notion that atleast he wasn't a virgin when you met him and now he wants to sample every girl he comes across. It will get better, if you just look at it that way, trust me, I know.

Answer 5

my girl does the same thing. We will be watching tv or something and she says, "I know you like her. That's ok, keep looking, she looks just like *ex-wife*." Or if we are about to get it on, and I complement her, she says "Stop lying, *exwife* does have a ____ like mine." So I deal with it. Part of the reason she continues to do it is because she is pregnant but it still kills it for me and I usually just go away from her and she realizes how stupid she is for saying that and comes to give me a kiss and hug and apologizes. I have nothing to do with the ex and she still has these ideas. It drives me crazy but I know my girl loves me. I would like her to stop. You should stop. I tell my girl, "if I wanted to be with her or anyone else, I would." Im not a bad looking guy and I can get with a girl if I really want to, but i dont. I love this girl and I want her and only her, but she doesnt seem to get that I guess. You need to give yourself incentive to not do it because your man will get fed up if it continues.good luck

Answer 6

Wow welcome to the party...I have the same problem. I'm not crazy obsessed with it, but enough to bother us both sometimes. I found if you sit him down tell him "Listen I will try-keyword is TRY- not to bring this up again....then follow it with any questions that you have about his past ladies. If he feels like you are making an effort to do this for you both, then you won't become an ex your self.You will eventually learn to bite your tougue, and know what is and what isn't up for disscussion.

Answer 7

You are risking your relationship over this issue. If you cannot make yourself stop worrying about something that has nothing to do with you, and is in his past, then get some counseling (seriously). It's not healthy and it'll become a deal-breaker real quick.

He's with YOU now, so apparently those past women werent' good matches...they are no threat to you...just as (hopefully) your exs are no threat to him...

Answer 8

Every time you get this jealousy feeling you need to find a way to block it out. ex-girlfriends are in the past. There is nothing you can do to change it, and stewing over it will ruin your relationship, and ruin the present time you have with him. If you keep needing reassurance that he loves you more than his ex-girlfriends, he may begin to think he doesn't.

Answer 9

Its not irrational its normal. But unfortunately everyone tries to push this the past is the past crap. Now you are getting to feel the reality of that type of immorality.

Get some morals, grow up, and find someone with morals and a past you can handle. This relationship isn't fair to him or you.

Answer 10

properly, i imagine it may well be somewhat a procedures to go away him, yet attempt to describe that your no longer thoroughly mushy with him no longer placing any boundries. i propose you probably did look forward to him to come back living house and under no circumstances search for suggestion from from absolutely everyone else so why is it ok for him to search for suggestion from from an ex. i propose in the journey that they were purely being acquaintances then ok yet i imagine your top, she needs to both sleep with him or attempt to get him decrease back... yet id attempt to only search for suggestion from from him and attempt to no longer accuse him of a few thing and in case you quite love him and picture he's the only you 2 will artwork it out... you dont pick to throw what you've away purely because of a few chick, because then she wins!