What do you think about micromanagement, routine, control and structure in a relationship?

Question

Provided that you have one submissive party and one Dominant party.

Answer 1

depends... if its healthy where both people get to make some decisions, and there is compromise, as opposed to one person being the "boss" and the other being the "employee" it can be good to keep important things together (bills, home, kids,etc..)

but to me it sounds more like you have a business going.... one person cant make all the rules and decisions in a relationship - it can't work like that

Answer 2

It isn't really a relationship then. It is employment for barter. I believe the term is "The oldest profession".

Each person has within themselves areas where they are weak and areas where they are strong. To define one person as dominant and one as submissive does a disservice to both.

The "dominant" party may enjoy the feeling of power, but they suffer from never being able to lay the burden down on the other person's shoulders.

The "submissive" person may enjoy the freedom from responsibility but they live in constant anxiety of displeasing the other person.

This is an unhealthy way to live and it will eventually implode. It happens in traditional 1950's style household, and modern kinky "S & M" couples. The strong imbalance of power is a symptom of pairing of unhealthy people, not the cause of the dysfunction.

The reason why micromanagement and routine will not help is that the problem is not about organization. It is an issue of control. Problems with control have to do with insecurity, NOT with disorder.

Most often people with control issues come from homes where the situation was unpredictable. Sadly no amount of prediction or accommodation can protect you from your abusive childhood.

But as a child it is too scary to believe that nothing can be done, that the parent is truly out of control. That no one is "Manning the Ship" so to speak....

The fragile psyche of the child has to believe in the infallibility of the parent’s ability to care for their needs. Survival is at stake. So the child incorrectly adopts the belief "If only I had tried harder".

That mentality brings the feeling that control is back in the hand of the child. Sadly it also brings guilt back to the child. Since they feel they had the power in the situation although it is positively clear they did not/ could not.

Many children grow up in a home where they cannot count on their needs being met, and they blame themselves. Then seek to create a situation where that will "Never happen again".

Many children grow up in a home where there needs are not met and they believe they do not deserve to be met. The seek protection from the environment they are running from, but also the comfort of something familiar. So they "Never have to go back".

Sadly when they grow up these two types meet each other and pair up in great numbers. You can't imagine the amount of harm they cause each other.

The "Dominant" desperate to feel in control, who still paints themselves as the victim, who uses iron will to make sure they are never on the receiving end again.

The "Submissive" wanting protection and then realizing they have gone out of the frying pan into the fire. Slowly will twist against the will of the other. Making the dominant crazy, and trying to clamp down more. Creating a downward spiral to a black hole.

It can only be fixed with Professional Help.
That’s my two cents.